The SMASH Reality Index: Season 2 Episode 13

Back by popular demand, Dave (@NineDaves) and I have teamed up to bring you our take on what’s keepin’ it real and what’s faking it each week on SMASH. Follow the 'caps here or on Dave's site.

After three good episodes in a row, the momentum was bound to wear off eventually. And it did this week with a mediocre episode, “The Producers.” We’re totally onboard with the fact that this show is still dealing with realistic issues like how to sell tickets to Bombshell and keep it open until the Tonys. And how to get producers to invest in Hit List. But this episode focused a lot on Jimmy. And as much as we love Jeremy Jordan, we’re pretty much over Jimmy as a character. Plus, we found out this week that Linda the stage manager will be gone for the rest of the season! It’s like SMASH hates us!

Check out how it all played out:

Totally True

• Agnes is on set for The Today Show filming, making sure everyone in the cast smiles. Plus 10.
• We can’t remember the last time The Tonight Show had on a Broadway performer promoting his/her new musical. But if Ivy Lynn is getting national press like this, we’ll take it.
• Can we just get another Bombshell cast recording with Megan Hilty singing all the songs Katharine McPhee sang? ‘Cause we need this recording of “20th Century Fox Mambo,” stat!
• Hit List is having it’s own PR plotline, taking seemingly bad press photographs in super cheesy setups. Plus 10 because we’ve seen the marketing for Hit List so far and these look like they’ll fit in perfectly.
• “Loosen Up. You don’t really want to kill her,” the photographer says to Ana, as she holds a gun to Karen’s head. Plus 10 because yes she does and yes we all do.
• Ana is still dating Adam because “he’s funny.” The things us gurls will put up with for a guy with a sense of humor...
• OH HEY MONTEGO GLOVER AS HIT LIST’S STAGE MANAGER! You’re no Linda/Ann Harada, but we’ll take you.
• Derek has invited 10 possible producers to the same performance of Hit List. Among them, Scott Rudin, Daryl Roth, David Stone, and Kevin McCollum are all listed. Plus 50 for naming actual producers. Plus another 50 for saying that Rudin wants to write the check to transfer the production without even seeing it.
• Agnes has Ivy Lynn on a number of ridiculous press outings, including some sort of signing at a Macy’s sweater sale. Plus 100 because Broadway doesn’t necessarily get the best press opportunities and they are always doing partnerships with Macy’s that don’t exactly make sense.
• Ivy Lynn says she can’t wait to get home to her bed, her DVR, and the entire season of GIRLS she missed. Plus 60 because we dream of doing the same thing.
• Agnes and Eileen break down the current status of Bombshell’s Tony competition: “Marisa Tomei broke her leg, which means Moonstruck won’t be going to Broadway this season. Imitation of Life is DOA. The Lloyd Webber just posted its closing. So if we stay open ‘til June, that Tony is ours.” Plus 100 because this is exactly how producers and press agents think - and crazy theater bloggers like us too!
• Agnes thinks staying open until June might be challenging. “Advance sales aren’t what they should be, we haven’t gone a day without being on the TKTS board since we opened.” Shows with no stars and positive reviews, but not across-the-board raves struggle with this all the time. And as much as it pains us to give them points for introducing this plotline, plus 50.
• Tom wants Julia to go back on her promise to do Gatsby with Scott because it’s their “dream project.” As shitty as it would be to do that, Dave has to side with Tom here. If this has been their long standing plan together, it would be really shitty to walk away from this now. Especially because Julia decided to move forward with Gatsby in like, 5 seconds without really giving Tom proper time to discuss it. Linda actually sides with Julia here because like Scott says, Tom only wants to do Gatsby now that City of Angels has fallen through, which is pretty shitty. Like Tom and Julia, even Dave and Linda disagree sometimes. 
•Jimmy stumbles into rehearsal from a cab with two sexy ladies. OF COURSE HE DOES.
• The longer opening credits are back! And we’re oddly happy about that!
• People are lined up in the cold waiting for rush tickets to Hit List and it looks like every rush line we’ve ever been in with the blankets, the beanies, and the coffee to keep warm. Plus 500 because even though Hit List kinda bugs the crap out of us, we’d probably be there too.
• Ivy is on the phone with Derek, and says she has a “Broadway Talks Back” Q&A with Tom and Julia. She also tells him she has a Group Sales Event the next day. And then she leaves her conversation with him to do a phone interview. Hey, if they’re going to make Ivy busy, at least they’re giving her plausible things to do! Also, that phone interview is probably with one of us!
• “I was drunk and starstruck,” Kyle says of his hookup with Tom. Plus 200 because we’ve used that line a few times.
• Derek is auditioning new people for Jimmy’s understudy. Plus 20.
• Kyle reads Karen Cartwright like a book, blaming her for Jimmy’s demise. “She begged him to open up to her for months,” he says. “And when she finally did, she didn’t like what she heard and bailed. And then she brought her friend in to audition for his part.” He may be a little off here, but it’s about time someone called Karen on her shit.
• AHHHH CAROLEE CARMELLO! AS KYLE’S MOM! PLUS 500!
• A fan boy tells Kyle that he saw Hit List three times. He’s the Kyle of three months ago! Full circle moment!
• Even Kyle’s parents are nervous about Jimmy. Plus 50 because if Carolee Carmello were our mom, we’re pretty sure she’d be invested in our friend’s lives too!
• Seconds before their Q&A, Julia tells Tom she’s doing Gatsby at MTW, and he reminds her that she secured the rights in their company name. Man, if this doesn’t lead to a “Franklin Shepard, Inc.” number, then we’ll be pissed.
• OH HEY KEVIN MCCOLLUM AND DARYL ROTH PLAYING THEMSELVES! Plus 20! And another 20 because Roth calls McCollum “Kev.”
• Jimmy shows up 10 minutes before performance, and Derek reminds him that if this happened on Broadway, he’d get a fine. Plus 10.
• The opening of Hit List is still really great.
• Julia and Tom have a crazy meltdown at the Q&A and it’s great. Though Tom says that he and Julia are no longer working together and we secretly hope that doesn’t stop Shaiman and Wittman from working together again!
• The pre-Hit List announcement is bananas: “Ladies and gentleman. We’d like to take this opportunity to tell you that the use of cellphones and other recording devices is not only permitted, but encouraged. Record the show in its entirety for all we care. We don’t own it more than you do.” Hit List is so hip, you guys!
• If Jeremy Jordan could just sing on this show and we didn’t have to endure Jimmy’s backstory and terrible personality, we’d be much happier.
• Julia claims that Tom didn’t ask her to wait for him to do Gatsby. Um.. Julia, go back and watch last week’s episode. He did ask you. You just couldn’t wait 10 minutes without making a decision.
• Julia says that Gatsby is “the first thing that has really made me happy in years.” Damn! We didn’t know Brian d’Arcy James was THAT bad of a husband.
• Yet another new Hit List song, and this time it’s another Joe Iconis number, “The Goodbye Song.” You know, Iconis has given us our favorite song from Hit List so far, “Broadway Here I Come.” “The Goodbye Song” is pretty great too. Maybe they should have had him just write every song from Hit List? Then at least they’d sound like they were written by the same person.
• At the end of “The Goodbye Song,” the entire cast picks up some American Idiot choreography that makes us miss the fuck out of that show.
• Derek decided to shut down Hit List for a few days to give Sam the chance to prepare for Jimmy’s role. Plus 20 because even though Sam’s totally wrong for the role, we’re glad they’re at least rehearsing in an understudy.
• When Daryl Roth asks Kevin McCollum about Hit List, he says, “High energy. Um...very talented,” as if he’s searching for nice things to say. Plus 10 because we’ve been in situations where someone asked us what we thought of a show within earshot of a member of the creative team.
• Agnes tries to talk McCollum and Roth out of producing Hit List, calling it “culty” and comparing it to Hedwig and Rocky Horror. Damn, this makes us love her even more.
• Kevin McCollum says that he likes edge, and brings up Avenue Q, which he produced, and Rent, which he was a co-producer on. Plus 50.
• Also, McCollum compared Hit List’s edginess to Rent. RIGHT TO DAPHNE RUBIN-VEGA’S FACE! Plus 100!
• “There’s edge and then there’s cliff,” Agnes says, in response to McCollum. Plus 50.
• Kyle’s mom gets Karen to sign her Hit List Playbill. The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree, huh
• Blake breaks up with Kyle after hearing that Kyle cheated on him. Finally, a gay man who stands up for monogamy.
• Karen gives Kyle the motivation to stand up to Jimmy and cut him out of Kyle’s life. Plus 100 because this is the best thing that Karen has ever done on SMASH.
• Eileen tells Derek that taste doesn’t move producers, money does. There are exceptions to this, like Jordan Roth, but it’s mostly true.
• Eileen tells Derek that she can’t invest in Hit List because she can’t bet against herself. “I loved the show,” she tells him. “I didn’t want to, but I did.” All in all, it’s a really nice conversation. Eileen and Derek are honest with and supportive of each other, and it’s the kind of friendship we can root for.
• The sales of Bombshell are up 7%. We love you Agnes. You keep doing your thing.
• Ivy chooses watching GIRLS instead of hooking up with Derek. Not going to lie, but we’d probably do the same thing.
• Hey, the previews for the next week’s episode are back. Thanks NBC!
• The previews for next week’s episode show a Hit List Broadway marquee with a sign that says “Previews begin April 9.” SO MUCH FOR THAT CLIFFHANGER!
• She may be gone from the show, but we’re still having THE ANN HARADA LINE OF THE WEEK, DAMMIT! “No disrespect to Montego Glover’s character, but none of my actors ever showed up 10 minutes before Bombshell performances. So...!” WE LOVE YOU ANN!

Oh Hell No! 

• The Bombshell cast is doing a segment for The Today Show on the master classes the Broadway community offers to musical theater students from around the country. Only thing is, those don’t happen “once a year” like Kathie Lee claims they do.
• Kathie Lee dressed up as Marilyn Monroe performing “The 20th Century Fox Mambo” are the things nightmares are made of.
• The cast of Bombshell are on The Today Show and can’t keep yawning through the segment. Sure, Broadway folks aren’t morning people. But this is ridiculous.
• Julia skips out on The Today Show filming because she’s clearly still mad at Tom. Also, maybe she likes to sleep in? Also, she would have no reason to be there. Her work on Bombshell is done at this point.
• Scott Nichols has already announced Julia’s Gatsby play to his board. How many lines has Julia written of it so far?
• Jimmy is two hours late to the Hit List photoshoot. “You know he left in his costume last night,” Ana says, implying something’s wrong with Jimmy. Sure, you’re not supposed to leave in your costume. But as long as Jimmy’s not wearing an angel costume and singing “Cheers (I’ll Drink To That)” in the middle of Times Square, we’re sure he’s okay.
• Come on. Ken Davenport surely would be one of the producers clamoring to produce Hit List. Minus 10.
• Minus 100 because we’d probably see Marisa Tomei in a Moonstruck musical.
• Eileen thinks that launching a radio campaign might help Bombshell sell some tickets. Great idea Eileen! It’s like it’s the ‘90s all over again!
• Julia missed The Today Show press event because she was writing her Gatsby play? The Julia we know doesn’t write! At least not without the help of a dramaturg. Minus 100.
• Also, Julia bought the stage rights to The Great Gatsby all on her own? We’re sure she has money, but she can’t be THAT rich! Unless Three on a Match has some serious touring/regional production life we don’t know about. And even then - she just went through a divorce, and that shit is expensive. He was a chemistry teacher!
• Tom says that his directing gig for City of Angels didn’t come through. Minus 500 because we’ll never get to see a City of Angels revival on Broadway - even if it’s a fake one on SMASH.
• Whomever was taking the Hit List photographs decides that without Jimmy being there, they’re just going give Hit List an inside spread rather than the cover. What magazine is this? ‘Cause besides maybe Time Out New York, we’ve never seen stars of an off-Broadway show on the cover anyway. And even then, it’s usually the “Best Bars” issue!
• Scott reads Julia’s first scene of her Gatsby play, and claims “it’s not just an adaptation - it stands on it’s own.” He also says that it’ll win a Tony and that people will be doing Julia’s version for years to come. Um... we want to root for Julia, really we do. But we can’t imagine that she’s writing something better than F. Scott Fitzgerald. That’s why Gatz just used the actual book. Minus 500.
• Scott says that he’s spent some of his reserves from next season on Hit List. “So if that doesn’t transfer to Broadway, I have to follow up with a home run - like Gatsby - or else I’m out.” With shitty business decisions like that, Scott deserves to be out.
• The Tom and Julia Q&A is at Table 46? My god, does EVERYTHING happen there?
• OH HAAAHAAHAA THAT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE COVER OF NEW YORK MAGAZINE. THEY WOULD NEVER PUT THEM ON THE COVER! HAAHAAHAA!
• Kyle and Tom have hooked up a few times. Yet Kyle claims he is still with his boyfriend, Blake. Minus 200 because gay men are the worst.
• Jimmy is turning into Lindsay Lohan, being late for work and showing up high, and we’re so not into this plotline.
• Sam is auditioning to be Jimmy’s understudy? He just quit Bombshell because he didn’t want to be a swing on Broadway and now he’s willing to be an understudy off-Broadway? We know Sam doesn’t make the best decisions, but this makes no sense.
• Eileen agrees to a Bombshell performance at the Brighton Beach Senior Center. We know Bombshell is hard up for ticket sales, but this is ridiculous.
• Based on the Hit List performance Eileen saw at the MTW winter benefit, Eileen doesn’t think Hit List is big enough for a Broadway transfer. Um... half the cast was suspended from fabric strips, flying from the ceiling. It looked pretty big to us!
• Jimmy says that he thought that Karen was “the one.” BARF.
• Sam has been cast as Jimmy’s understudy. Man, this show really has no idea what to do with Leslie Odom Jr., huh?
• You’re telling us Kathie Lee and Carolee Carmello are in the same episode of SMASH, and still no mention of Scandalous? Patty and Emily must be devastated! Minus 50.
• No “Franklin Shepard, Inc.” Minus 10.
• The new Hit List song we hear tonight is called “Don’t Let Me Know” and it’s by Lucie Silvas and Jamie Alexander Hartman. It’s pretty not bad! But dammit if all these Hit List songs are melding together in our minds.
• Why does every number from Hit List look like a group number from So You Think You Can Dance?
• Jimmy misses his cue and fails to catch Karen, injuring her. Minus 10 because we wish we enjoyed seeing Karen Cartwright fall more.
• DAPHNE RUBIN-VEGA AND JESSE L. MARTIN ARE IN A SCENE TOGETHER. AND THIS IS ALL YOU CAN MUSTER UP, SMASH? Minus 100.

• Kyle tells Jimmy that he’s been fired when he’s clearly high as a kite. Spinning Jimmy into an epic takedown of the entire Hit List team, especially Karen and Kyle. In it, he’s pretty damn eloquent for someone who’s on a bunch of coke, no?
• Like, we love Jeremy Jordan, but we’re not a fan of his drunk/high acting.
• Jimmy once again mentions that Kyle is in love with him. Is he still harping on that? Minus 10.
• “It never occurred to me it wasn’t going to get to Broadway,” says Derek, of Hit List. Yeah, it never occurred to us either. Because it’s obviously getting to Broadway.
• Kyle sings “The Last Goodbye” while walking alone down the street. He’s really into that singing and walking thing, huh? Like, we love it when Andy Mientus gets a chance to sing, but this isn’t Glee.
• And there is always a montage when he sings. SMASH, you were doing so well keeping away from these.
• Julia is literally reading The Great Gatsby and then going to her computer to write scenes for her Gatsby play. Ugh. That’s a terrible way to show how writers work on adaptations.
• Karen’s flirting attempts with Derek are making us even more uncomfortable than Jimmy’s breakdown.
• Kyle packs up Jimmy’s shit and leaves it waiting for him at his brother’s place. That seems like a lot of work, no?
• Minus everything for this lame-ass cliffhanger where Kyle might be run over by a car.

…. 

Did you also think this episode was disappointing in comparison to last week’s? What did you think of the cliffhanger? Let us know in the comments.

The SMASH Reality Index Season 2 Episode 12

Back by popular demand, Dave (@NineDaves) and I have teamed up to bring you our take on what’s keepin’ it real and what’s faking it each week on SMASH. Follow the 'caps here or on Dave's site.

We may base a big part of our Reality Index on SMASH’s major missteps. But believe it or not, we much prefer the show to make the right choices. Which is why when an episode like tonight’s “Opening Night” comes along, we actually feel pretty damn good. Because there were far more “Totally True” moments than “Oh Hell No!” errors. And when there’s an episode with Leo in it, and we’re not even really mad about it, you know SMASH is doing something right.

This episode had everything that makes SMASH actually good when it’s good: memorable musical numbers, legitimate conflicts, and actual realistic glimpses at the behind the scenes of theater. Sure, there were still some ridiculous moments, but overall, we couldn’t be happier with how this episode played out. Read on to see why.

Totally True

• Bernadette Peters is back! And still wearing her Gypsy wig and costume! Plus 50.
• “For the first time I actually feel kind of confident,” Ivy says, the night before opening. It’s about time Ivy! We’ve always believed in you!
• Ivy goes into a self-imposed media blackout until opening. Plus 10 because even though we doubt she’ll make it, if there ever was a time to stop paying attention to message boards, it’s now.
• Julia is brainstorming ideas for her next show with Tom, and suggests musical adaptations of Gulliver’s Travels and Lord of the Flies, a musical built around the poetry of Ezra Pound, and “something Julie Taymor-y with puppets” for The Very Hungry Caterpillar. Plus 100 because all of these ideas are terrible, and so is Julia.
• WELCOME BACK DAPHNE RUBIN-VEGA! AGNES IS OUR FAVORITE CHARACTER!
• Agnes is calling her sources, trying to get a heads up on the Times review. Plus 10 because that’s what any good publicist would be doing.
• Even though Eileen is upset about the Times article comparing Bombshell to Hit List, Agnes is not. “Bombshell got mentioned just as much as Hit List did,” she says. “That’s a plus in my book.” Duh!
• “The last thing we need is a vindictive journalist,” Agnes tells Eileen. Maybe she worked on The Addams Family musical before this?
• Scott informs the Hit List cast that the show is sold out for the rest of the run. While an off-Broadway house should have a few extensions built into their schedule, it’s pretty likely Hit List would sell out quickly after the Times piece in such a small house.
• Plus 100 because the Bombshell opening is at 7pm. Broadway openings are always earlier than 8pm.
• Karen doesn’t want to go to the Bombshell opening. “It’s like going to your ex's wedding,” she tells Jimmy. “It’s not that you want to get back together, but you don’t exactly want to see them marry someone else either.” Finally - the first thing Karen Cartwright has said that’s made sense all season. Plus 10.
• Also in that conversation with Jimmy, we learn that Karen still “barely talking” to Ana or Derek. We knock SMASH a lot here, but we gotta hand it to them for not pretending like the conflicts in last week’s episode would resolve themselves that quickly.
• “Tomorrow night, you got me in your corner,” Jimmy tells Karen. “If you still want me.” WE’LL TAKE YOU IF SHE DOESN’T WANT YOU, JIMMY.
• Ivy is standing across the street from the “Lilly Hayes” Theater, staring at the Bombshell marquee. We like these little moments when SMASH reminds us that actors remind themselves of the dream even when they’re living it.
• How do we get one of those Bombshell Playbills? We’re totally serious.
• OMG THAT’S DONNA MCKECHNIE! PLUS 100!
• Tom has drinks with producer Chip Preston (Stephen Bogardus), who says he might have to cancel his City of Angels revival last season because he director jumped ship. Plus 100 because even SMASH knows City of Angels will never come back to Broadway! But that doesn’t stop us from wanting it to happen.
• Also, HEEEEY STEPHEN BOGARDUS! LOOKIN’ GOOD TOO! How’s that 1995 Tony nomination for Best Featured Actor in a Play for Love! Valor! Compassion! treatin’ you?
• Ivy has broken down and is now reading the All That Chat message boards. And they’re just as ridiculous as they would be IRL. “Half the grace of her predecessor.” “A career chorus girl.” “Can she even dance?” Plus 20.
• Derek says he’s not going to compare his directing to Tom’s, and Ivy totally calls him on it. It’s like she’s doing our jobs for us!
• Ivy won’t sleep with Derek on the morning of opening night because she doesn’t want to wear herself out. Plus 10.
• Leo says he’s excited about Bombshell because Ivy gets naked. You see Eileen? It worked!
• Julia says she’s going to take Leo to see Hit List because “it’s more up your alley.” Kids and their rock musicals...
• Julia wants to turn The Great Gatsby into a musical. “The big society party scenes, the unrequited love story, the narrator - it’s perfect.” Apparently she and Tom tried to do it a bunch of times but the rights were never available. While we love The Great Gatsby, and turning it into a musical would probably be terrible, dammit if we wouldn’t be into seeing SMASH try that in another season. Too bad SMASH will never get one.
• Ana tries to tell Karen about Jimmy’s past, and Karen’s a total bitch about it. “Can we talk?” asks Ana. “Oh, we’re doing that again?” responds Karen, in her cuntiest tone. Roommate conflicts are fun! Also, this is why we both live alone.
• AHH! IT’S MARC SHAIMAN AND SCOTT WITTMAN! PLAYING THEMSELVES! AT THE OPENING OF THE SHOW THEY WROTE! SO META! PLUS 500.
• Karen decides to go to the Bombshell opening after all. Duh. We know we are always hard on her, but it must be said that she looks really nice here.
• Tom tells Julia that announcing their next musical on opening night is a jinx. “We announced our next project at Heaven on Earth’s opening,” he reminds here. “Our Vegas musical? And that didn’t pan out.” That’s a pretty good example to give her, Tom. We would have also gone with, “STFU JULIA! WE’RE OPENING THIS SHOW! CHILLAX!”
• Eileen tells Agnes that she broke up with Richard, and Agnes asks Eileen if she’s out of her tiny mind. Plus 50.
• Leigh and Ivy have a sweet moment backstage before the curtain rises and fuck if we aren’t moved by it. “All it takes to make it in this business is one role if it’s right for you,” Leigh tells Ivy. “You fought like hell and you got that role. You are Marilyn Monroe on Broadway. Now get out there and show everyone what all those years in the chorus has taught you.” AWWWWWWW!!
• And Bernadette is wearing another old Gypsy wig and costume. Plus 50.
• Also, Bombshell has an overture. Plus 100 because we miss these!
• Ivy sings ‘Don’t Forget Me” and it’s a million times better than when Karen sang it in season one. That’s why she’s Marilyn, people!
• Karen is having heart palpitations during Ivy’s performance because it’s fucking brilliant and perfect and she’d never be that good and AHHHH!
• CHILLS PEOPLE! IVY LYNN IS GIVING US CHILLS!
• The house gives Ivy a standing ovation. Because DUH!
• OH HEY ROSIE O’DONNELL! OF COURSE YOU’D BE AT OPENING.
• Rosie O’Donnell tells Julia Bombshell’s her best work ever. We’re guessing she saw Three on a Match and Heaven on Earth too.
• Rosie blabs to Julia that “Tom’s a great director. I cannot wait to see what he’s going to do with City of Angels. Eileen told me that’s his next project!” Plus 50 because Rosie is a great gossip.
• Derek is screaming “Bravo” and Eileen is crying in the back of the house. AWWWWWWWW x2!
• “I’m not saying it’s better than my version,” Derek tells Scott of Bombshell. “But it’s a pretty good shot.” Of course it’s not as good as your version, Derek, you angry genius.
• Agnes is waiting for the reviews to come in with her PR team. “As soon as these reviews are in I want to start pulling potential quotes for the campaign.” she says, gesturing to a Bombshell poster with “Quote #1, Quote #2, and Quote #3” on there. BECAUSE WE ALL KNOW WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU GO LIVE WITHOUT THOSE QUOTES, RIGHT MATILDA?
• Variety is the first review in, and calls Bombshell the “finest musical of the season.” Sounds like a boring Variety quote to us!
• The Times review isn’t in yet. “They’re always last,” says one of Agnes’s PR assistants. Plus 10!
• Julia and Tom have a fight, straight out of Merrily We Roll Along. “This isn’t about you,” Tom says. “I just want to make a name for myself as a director. I love writing with you. I look forward to doing it again. But right now what I care about is directing, and that is it.” And then Julia sings “Franklin Shepard, Inc.” Oh wait, no. Sorry that last part just happened in our heads.
• The ladies room has a makeup counter with a ‘Marilyn Yourself’ sign. Cute! We’re guessing there were also theme drinks at this party.
• Ivy says the anticipation for the Times review is killing her. “So are my shoes,” she adds. Plus 10.
• Ivy and Karen find one another in the bathroom at the opening night party, and have a pretty cute scene that - dare we say it - makes us actually like Karen Cartwright! “I can’t stop comparing myself to you,” Ivy tells Karen. “All of those reviewers loved you in Boston.” “They’re going to love you too,” counters Karen. “Ivy, no one could have been better than you tonight. Not me. Not anyone. Not even Marilyn Monroe herself. I was so jealous of you tonight, I almost left at intermission.” It’s nice to see Karen admitting that she’s not the best. Plus 100.
• Ivy reminds Karen that it took her eight Broadway shows to get to Bombshell, calling her ‘the magical Karen Cartwright.’ “You do some tiny show at the Fringe festival and suddenly it’s the can’t miss event of the season!” Plus 50 because again, Ivy’s basically writing the Index for us.
• Ivy says Karen will get to Broadway, “just not this season.” Ha.
• Kyle has a new hairdo and it’s serving us Jason Priestley realness. Plus 50 because we love us some Brandon Walsh.
• Eileen drops a bucket of ice on Jimmy and Adam to break up their fight. “Now get out!” she screams. Plus 100 because we’re glad to finally see Eileen throwing liquid at people again, even if it’s frozen.

• The New York Times review is in and it praises Julia’s book. “Julia Houston has achieved the impossible. She’s less bookwriter here than playwright - and a great playwright at that.” Tom also get’s praise - but for his score. “Tom Levitt’s score is a triumphant combination of soulful melodies and foot tapping show stoppers.” His direction on the other hand is called “overblown” and “competing with Julia’s complex masterpiece.” “Houston and Levitt, whose synchronicity previously gave the impression they might be conjoined twins, seem to no longer share a heart. Even in it’s best moments, many though there are, it is clear this Bombshell is marching to two different beats.” Yeah, even without ever having seen Bombshell in its entirety, we know that review is pretty right on. Plus 20.
• “Come on, you know Ben Brantley,” says Julia about The New York Times critic. “If you’re not in US Weekly, he’s got it out for you.” Plus 50 because judging by the raves he’s thrown towards Scarlett Johansson, he does seem to have a thing for celebs. 
• Tom says that even though every critic loved Bombshell, Brantley’s lukewarm review matters most. We hate to agree here as critics ourselves, but the Times does seem to carry more weight than others.
• Ivy gives a speech at the opening party, thanking Julia and Eileen. She also makes a little speech for Tom: “An actor is nothing without a great director. Every move I make out on that stage, I owe in his faith in me, to his humor, and to his incredible talent. He’s the one who gave me this chance. So will everyone please raise their glasses and join me in this toast to Tom Levitt.” AWWWWWWW x3! 
• Ivy also thanks Karen Cartwright in her speech. “I can honestly say that I wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for you.” Because she quit, right? Very classy of her. Plus 10. 
• Karen and Ivy sing “That’s Life.” And fuck, it’s extraordinary. We really think we wouldn’t hate Karen that much if she and Ivy were buddies from the start. 
• Also, plus 50 for having Marc Shaiman at the piano! 
• Julia and Scott take a limo back home together. Without Leo! Plus 20 because we hope he’s walking home.
• JULIA AND SCOTT FINALLY KISS AND YESSSSSSS. 
• Leigh says goodnight to Ivy. “You made me so proud tonight,” she tells Ivy. “I’m so glad I get to work with you everyday.” AWWWWWWWWW x4! 
• Ivy decides not to go home with Derek, after learning that he asked Karen out a few weeks ago. She then walks away from him with a smile on her face. Which we love, because Ivy’s so much better than that! 
• “The last opening night I went to, they didn’t even make it to the end of the second act,” Kyle tells Tom, referencing Liaisons. Plus 10 because we had forgotten about that. 
• Kyle tells Tom Bombshell is the best Broadway musical he has ever seen. We love a good fanboy and their selective memories. 
• HOLY SHIT! TOM MAKES A PASS AT KYLE, AND THEY LEAVE TOGETHER! AHH! WE LOVE THIS! 
• Seriously SMASH, you better give us a Christian Borle / Andy Mientus shirtless makeout session next week, or else! 
• Didn’t we say Tom and Kyle would be cute together? Are the writers of SMASH reading the Reality Index? If so, we still want Tom and Derek to hook up before the show gets canceled! 
• Daisy Parker (Mara Davi) apologizes to Derek for sexual harassment allegations all those weeks back, saying she only joined the suit to get back out in the business. It didn’t. But she still goes home with him after seeing Bombshell. We get it. We’re talent sluts too. 
• Also, HEY MARA DAVI! Loved you in Death Takes a Holiday with Julian Ovenden (JFK)!
• Eileen says that Bombshell is going to sweep the Tonys. DAMMIT WE HOPE SO! 
• Even though she wasn’t in it this week, we love her too much not to have THE ANN HARADA LINE OF THE WEEK! “Sorry I missed the Bombshell opening! I was stealing Cinderella over at the Broadway Theatre. Later losers!” CONGRATULATIONS ANN!

Oh Hell No! 

• Eileen reminds Agnes that Richard is an editor, not a critic. Which reminds us again how dumb the Hit List team is for adapting their show to meet his likes. And how it still makes no sense for him to have written such a biased and opinionated article about Hit List and Bombshell. It’s like the Times already reviewed Bombshell before opening. 
• Agnes tells Eileen to text Richard “and say you can’t wait to see him and you’re not wearing any underwear.” Minus 20 because Eileen is far too old for sexting. 
• Eileen Rand invited the whole Hit List cast to the Bombshell opening? We get that she might be trying to be nice to Derek and Karen - and maybe even Scott after Julia’s involvement with Hit List. But for someone who was so upset about that Times article, we’re pretty sure Eileen would never extend the olive branch like that. Minus 50 because clearly this is just a device to have all the action happening in one place. Josh Safran, your Gossip Girl roots are showing again. 
• As Ivy Lynn stares at the Bombshell marquee after the show, she overhears an older couple coming out of the restaurant across the street, complaining about her role in Bombshell. “I liked it, but I didn’t love it,” the man complains. “You never love anything,” his wife says. “The music was great.” “It’s not the music,” he responds. “It’s her. Did you read the Playbill? Been knocking around the ensemble for years.” So many things are wrong with this scenario. The first being that these people would have clearly gone to dinner before the show. The second being that no one would have complained about a chorus girl in a leading role who was that good. The third being that they called “TAXI” for a cab home. And the fourth being that Donna McKechnie would have supported a chorus girl getting her big break, dammit! 
• Adam is hanging outside the Hit List stage door, and tells Ana that he’s Jimmy’s brother. He also mentions that Jimmy wouldn’t want to see him. THEN WHY ARE YOU HANGING AT THE HIT LIST STAGE DOOR, BUDDY?! 
• Tom says that whomever directs City of Angels has to nail the noir. “It’s doesn’t have to be purely comic, it can be dark and tragic too.” Um, Dave saw City of Angels back in 1991 and he doesn’t remember it ever being purely comic. Minus 10 because Tom’s suggestion seems pretty fucking obvious here. But we suppose this is keeping in line with the fact that Tom is a terrible director.
• Chip asks Tom to direct the City of Angels revival. They may be old friends, but we don’t think he would have offered him that gig without reading the reviews of Bombshell first.
• We hated the old credits, but the new, shorter credits are worse. Minus 20.
• Ivy is reading message board•s to prepare herself for what critics will say about her, which makes no sense because often shows are torn apart on message boards, only to be loved by critics and vice versa.
• EWWWW LEO IS BACK. MINUS 100,000!
• The way people are talking about Jimmy’s past it makes it sound like he killed someone. Who is he, Serena van der Woodsen?
• Julia is finally moving out of Tom’s place. “I can’t sleep on the couch forever!” Um... didn’t Tom have to drag her out of bed a few episodes back? We’re pretty sure she was staying in a guest room.
• Tom, Julia, and Leo take a limo to the Bombshell opening. What is this, prom? Minus 30.
• On the way to the Bombshell opening, Julia tells Tom about Gatsby.“ Our lawyer is working on getting us the rights as we speak,” she says. “It’s the only project for us - I already told Agnes we’d make the announcement at the party.” We know things need to move fast, but calm the fuck down Julia. Also, can we talk about how The Great Gatsby will probably never work as a musical? It’s been attempted before.
• There’s no red carpet at the Bombshell opening. And photographers are snapping pictures at the limo as it pulls up. Minus 50 because while some Broadway shows have openings without a major press area, Bombshell surely wouldn’t.
• Eileen dumps Richard in the lobby before opening. Did she not listen to anything Agnes said? Why would she bring him all the way to dump him like that? Minus 10.
• How can Marc Shaiman and Scott Wittman exist as themselves in a world where Tom and Julia write their music? We love seeing them, but it does make our head hurt a little.
• Jimmy finally tells Karen the truth about him. “My dad beat the crap out of me and my mom,” he says. “After she died, me and Adam were on the streets. I dealt drugs. I used them. I watched people OD and I didn’t call 911. When you’re living life like that, you do a lot of things that you are not proud of. Adam got me into that life. So when I tell you that Adam is nobody to me, it’s because he is nobody to me.” Wait, THAT’S THE BIG SECRET OF JIMMY’S PAST? That’s the thing Kyle said might “push Karen away for good?” Seriously? That really doesn’t seem like that big a deal.
• Jimmy tells Karen, “I wasn’t a good person but ever since I met you, that’s all I want to be.” BAAARF.
• Agnes is worried that there will be consequences for Eileen breaking up with Richard. The Times review is written and Richard is a professional. What’s he going to do, call up Ben Brantley and have him change his review? Of course not.
• Karen is sitting next to Derek at Bombshell opening. If she was having such problems with Derek, wouldn’t she have found another seat?
• Tom runs up onstage from the audience to take his bow during the Bombshell curtain call. Minus 10 because he would have already been backstage.
• Also, Julia would have gone with him. And where are the flowers? THERE WOULD BE FLOWERS!
• There’d also be more celebrities at the opening. No disrespect to Rosie or anything, but she wouldn’t be the only one.
• And Rosie would have waited until the party to talk to Julia about Tom doing City of Angels.
• Oh, it looks like according to this press shot, Matthew Broderick was supposed to be in this episode. Why was he cut?

• While we’re talking about who’s missing from this opening, where’s Linda the stage manager? And Jerry? And Katie, Eileen’s daughter. And Sam? And Veronica Moore? And Lyle West, who invested in the show? They should all be here. 
• “It’s the best show on Broadway... for now,” Derek says to Scott, revealing his desire to move Hit List to Broadway. “I wonder if that will happen?” says no one watching at home. 
• Ana invited Jimmy’s brother to the opening party? Minus 20 because she would know better.
• Jimmy and Adam get into a fist fight at the Bombshell party. They may be violent goons, but even they would have had the sense to take it outside. 
• Wait, this party is at The Carter Hotel? Everyone knows that place is a total shithole. Minus 200.
• Karen breaks up with Jimmy, saying that he “scares her.” OMFG GURL! GO BACK TO IOWA!
• When Jimmy is sitting outside all sad, did anyone else expect his brother to come up with him and say, “Well well well. What have we here? It’s going to be a happy new year,” and hand him some drugs? Just us? OK. 
• Scott agrees to take Hit List to Broadway, asking Derek of Ivy and Karen, “I wonder which one the Tony voters will prefer?” Yes, SMASH. We know that’s where you’re going with this whole thing. We’ve been saying it all season. You don’t need to spell it out for us. 
• After the party, Julia tells Scott, “Another opening, another blow.” You just got a rave in the Times, gurl! 
• Scott tells Julia to do Gatsby as a play in the fall. At his theater. Sorry - but an artistic director of a theater wouldn’t give a slot to a new play without reading it first. No matter how much he wanted to get with the author. 
• Also, Scott would know better than to do The Great Gatsby as a play so soon after Gatz. 
• We love that Kyle and Tom are getting together, but what about Kyle’s boyfriend? Does monogamy mean nothing to these people? 
• Agnes says Eileen needs to reduce her advertising budget. “You don’t want to get any deeper until you know what word of mouth is.” We understand this concern, but opening night doesn’t seem the time to have this discussion. 
• Eileen doubles her advertising budget because she wants Bombshell to run longer than The Lion King and we laugh out loud. Gurl. You know you don’t have Disney money, right?
• Agnes says that Bombshell won’t be a long-running hit without the support of The New York Times. Apparently she didn’t read the opening night reviews of Wicked. 
• The opening night party would have been the perfect place to get Daphne Rubin-Vega and Jesse L. Martin on screen together. Minus 100 for not making that happen, SMASH. 
• Also, this whole thing with not showing previews to next week’s episode has to stop, NBC. It’s annoying.  

…. 

Alright Index readers - how’d “Opening Night” play out for you? Do you agree it was as good as we thought it was?

So, How About Those Orphans?

Orphans was one of the most talked about shows of the season before it even started previews because of the firing of Shia LaBeouf and his e-mail-posting frenzy on Twitter. It seemed like the production was doomed, so I was surprised by how quickly I forgot about the backstage drama watching Lyle Kessler's engrossing play, which opened last night at the Gerald Schoenfeld Theatre.

Photo credit: Joan Marcus

The play begins with the limber Tom Sturridge jumping across furniture in a dilapidated house (designed by the always on point John Lee Beatty) as loud music plays. (I immediately checked my Playbill after the show for the composer and was annoyed at myself for not guessing that the faux-rock score was Tom Kitt's.) Sturridge is playing the shut-in Phillip, waiting for his brother Treat (Ben Foster, LaBeouf's replacement) to come home from committing petty crimes to support them. One night, Treat brings home Harold (Alec Baldwin) and the brothers decide to kidnap him for ransom, but Harold soon becomes less of a hostage and more of a father figure.

I was unfamiliar with the 30-year-old play, getting its first Broadway production directed by Daniel Sullivan. Despite the surreal quality, the story is actually quite moving. It is at its heart about the need for family.

Foster is making a memorable Broadway debut, balancing the menace and hurt-little-boy nature of his character. Baldwin is appropriately cast as a comical and sophisticated mentor, but is actually the least interesting of the three. Sturridge, also in his Broadway debut, has the showiest and award bait-iest role, but he is mesmerizing in his physicality and so sweetly innocent that you can't help but be drawn to him. Perhaps most impressively, there is not even a trace of his English accent. It may just be one of the most fascinating performances of the season.

The SMASH Reality Index Season 2 Episode 11

Back by popular demand, Dave (@NineDaves) and I have teamed up to bring you our take on what’s keepin’ it real and what’s faking it each week on SMASH. Follow the 'caps here or on Dave's site.

It’s really too bad that NBC decided to move SMASH to Saturday nights right when the show was getting good. Last week, we were pleasantly surprised with the direction the show was going, and this week’s episode “The Dress Rehearsal” continued to present us with poignant conflicts and smart creative decisions. The Bombshell crew debated cancelling a first preview after a rough invited dress - and wondered what impact that might have on their ticket sales. Derek made significant structural changes to Hit List that created dynamic, exciting dramatic action. And Ivy made a controversial acting choice that added a bit of edge to Bombshell we never thought we’d see! We love when SMASH shows us more of the creative process than the nonsensical personal lives of the cast. Now if only we could get NBC to show us previews for next week again!

Meanwhile, the inevitable rivalry between Hit List and Bombshell came to a head when The New York Times published its article “Iconoclash: Marilyn’s Past Meets Marilyn’s Present.” The article compared how the two shows “explore the power and the price of transformation,” eventually settling that “The difference is while Bombshell rakes over the past, Hit List opens our eyes to the present and the inevitable future." We’re not sure we agree with that end result, seeing the nonsense that we’ve seen from Hit List so far. But Hit List will certainly be on the fast track to Broadway now (which is plausible, since that’s what happened to Once last year). And as we’ve been saying all season, they’re certain to go up against each other at the fake Tonys.

Only 6 more episodes, people. Let’s do this:

Totally True

• Tom is having nightmares about his big directing debut. One of them involves being in bed with Ellis. Plus 50 because that should be the textbook definition of the word “nightmare” right there.
• We may not have gotten to see Tom without his shirt on, but we’ll take Tom in some tight boxer briefs from behind. Plus 10.
• Ivy wakes up in bed next to Derek. Plus 20 because as awful of a couple as they were in season one, they’re both far too attractive not to be getting any.
• Today’s Bombshell’s invited dress. "Whoever thought it was a good idea to have your first performance be in front of your friends and family was obviously not an actor," Ivy says. Plus 50.
• Tom apparently told Derek, “I will hurt you if you come [to invited dress],” which makes us love Tom more than ever.
• "Today's the day," Eileen says on the day of the Bombshell dress rehearsal. "Tomorrow's the real day," says Julia. Because it doesn't really count until a paying audience comes to see the show.
• Jimmy says he’s written 9 songs in 3 days, surviving only on Adderall and Red Bull. That’s how most people these days make it through college! Plus 30.
• “I wouldn’t be surprised if Ana was the lead after this,” says Jimmy, to Karen, about all the changes Derek’s been making to Hit List. Does that mean Karen Cartwright gets Best Featured Actress in a Musical at the fake Tonys and Ivy gets Best Lead Actress in a Musical?
• At Bombshell’s invited dress, Kyle again reminds everyone he saw Bombshell in Boston like the Broadway fanboy he is. Plus 50.
• Also, is it just us or would Kyle and Tom make a cute couple? No? Just projecting our Andy Mientus/Christian Borle fantasies on you? Right. Okay. Got it.
• During Bombshell’s invited dress, “Let Me Be Your Star” starts and the doors don’t open right away. We’re having flashbacks to 9 to 5: The Musical previews where they stopped the show halfway through the opening number to fix tech issues. Plus 100.
• In a scene where JFK is supposed to remove Marilyn’s dress, he accidentally removes Marilyn’s dress and slip, revealing a very nude Ivy Lynn. Plus 20 because we hear some folks at Cat on a Hot Tin Roof had similar things happen with Ben Walker. (And we hate those folks because they weren’t us).
• "I'm sure half the audience didn't even notice," Sam says to Ivy about her Janet Jackson moment. What are best friends for if not to make you feel better after you accidentally flash an audience?
• Bobby and Jessica are reading BroadwayWorld message board comments. Because of course there would already be chatter about the invited dress.
• “The stupendous Ivy Lynn is Marilyn Monroe in the flesh. Also, literally.” These fake message board comments are SO right on.
• The online chatter says to “buy your front row tickets while you can” to Bombshell not because of the book, music, or overall performances - but because Ivy Lynn is naked. We’d like to think theater fans aren’t this shallow, but we saw Cat on a Hot Tin Roof because of “Ben Walker in a towel,” Bonnie & Clyde because of “Jeremy Jordan in a bathtub,” and Ghost: The Musical because of “Richard Fleeshman’s abs.” So....
• Ivy Lynn is embarrassed that word got out about her naked slip up, until she hears that people are raving about it, and then she’s all like, “let me see that...” Plus 50 because a truer Ivy Lynn moment has never happened.
• IT’S TIME FOR OUR FAVORITE FEATURE! THE ANN HARADA LINE OF THE WEEK! “So, the scrim didn’t open in ‘Star.’ Eight-year-old Norma Jean went up on her lines in ‘At Your Feet.’ The fog overwhelmed everyone in ‘Don’t Say Yes.’ The house did not come in for ‘Mr. and Mrs. Smith.’ Brian’s out of commission so we need to put in a swing. Intermission was 45 minutes long.” CONGRATS ANN! THAT’S YOUR LONGEST CHUNK YET!
• Eileen and Julia advocate to cancel Bombshell’s first preview because there’s still technical work to be done on the show. “Productions cancel first previews all the time,” Julia reasons. “Only troubled ones,” responds Tom. “It’s basically an invitation for the press to say the show’s a disaster - sharpen your knives.” Tom is totally right - a cancelled first preview doesn’t show great promise for a show.
• Eileen makes Tom a deal that if he can fix all the problems of the show by 3pm, they won’t cancel. Is this a plot from Xanadu? Plus 50.
• Eileen and Julia want to keep Marilyn’s nudity in the show, but for very different reasons. Eileen thinks it’ll help sell tickets, while Julia thinks it shows Marilyn at her most vulnerable. Plus 50 for showing multiple sides of the debate on why certain choices get made in the theater.
• Ana is slowly becoming the most realistic character on SMASH. Having to yet again calm Karen’s nerves about Jimmy’s past, she smacks Karen in the face with a dose of reality: “He gets high. We know that.” Plus 20 because every girl needs a friend to give her the honest truth. Even Karen Cartwright.
• During a tech mishap, Tom screams after Linda the stage manager. Plus 50 for giving our Linda the chance to hear Christian Borle yell her name.
• Back at Hit List rehearsal, we see the cast applauding after seeing Ana perform one of Jimmy’s new songs. Plus 5 because the Hit List songs have been so meh, we’re kinda glad we don’t have to watch a new one.
• Derek has a new idea for how to open Hit List. He wants to start at the end with the Diva character going to Amanda's concert and pointing a gun at the audience, with the audience not knowing who she killed. Though starting at the end doesn’t work a lot of the time (did any of you see Grace?), the idea intrigues us more than what Derek has come up with for the rest of the show. Plus 80.
• P.S. How amazing is Krysta Rodriguez in this scene?
• Karen, like the brat she is, doesn't want Ana to sing her favorite song, even if it means improving the show.
• “Kids, never again,” says Tom after getting Norma Jean off book. “We fixed the fog, never again,” Linda responds. Plus 50 because these are two things we can do without in musicals.
• Derek wants the show to be more than a Romeo and Juliet clone. Good because we don’t need any more of those. We’re already getting two Romeo and Juliets next season!
• Jimmy is once again fighting Derek about the changes he’s making to Hit List. “This is how development works.” Derek barks. “You keep making changes until you get it right.” Finally, we are remembering why we love Derek.
• When asked what he thinks about Derek’s Hit List changes, Kyle sides with Derek. Jimmy, of course, throws a shit fit. But Kyle, shockingly, stands up to him. "We're a team except you don't listen to anything I say." Way to finally grow a pair, Kyle. We’re so proud of you!
• Ivy is still debating whether she wants to do the nudity in Bombshell. We’re sure many actors have this internal debate, and we applaud SMASH for giving Ivy something to actually struggle with.
• Sam tries to convince Ivy not to do the nude scene. "You are giving an amazing performance,” he says. “If you take your clothes off, that's all people will remember. Trust me. I was in Take Me Out. Do you remember the plot?" “I remember... penis,” she says. “I see your point,” “Everyone saw my point,” Sam responds. Plus 500 for this whole exchange. To this day, we still regret missing that show.
• Tom puts Jordan on as a swing first because he’s been in the company longer. THAT’S HOW THIS SHIT WORKS FOLKS!
• "We got the intermission down but it's still running long,” Linda says. “Well, maybe I could quickly write a really long entr’acte,” Tom says. “And orchestrate it, and give it to the musicians, and have them learn it? Did I say that out loud?" LINDA THE STAGE MANAGER IS THE VOICE OF US ALL.
• Karen is pissed Ana let Derek give her “Broadway Here I Come.” And in doing so, Ana finally stands up to Karen, calling her out on her unsupportive, jealous ways. “It’s not my fault Derek thinks I’m talented and wants to use it,” says Ana. "This isn't about talent," Karen replies, implying that Derek is just jealous of Karen and Jimmy and is trying to punish her. "Maybe not for you. Guess you should have slept with Derek when you had the chance,” Ana replies. Damn Ana! Way to finally call Karen out on her shitty ways! Plus 100!
• Also, both Ana and Kyle, standing up to Karen and Jimmy in the same episode? Thank you SMASH!
• “That’s the best part about downtown theater,” says Scott. “There are no planes. Except the ones made by dancers.” “Oh God that is so Derek,” says Tom. Plus 15.
• Derek is reading American Theatre again. Plus 10.
• Plus 30 for referencing The New York Times fact-checkers! If only the SMASH writers used them!
• Derek tells Karen about Jimmy’s sketchiness. It had to come out somehow - and we kind of love that Derek was the bitch to do it.
• Ivy didn't go for the nudity in the song, but she does it later when JFK is about to leave her. Plus 100 because Ivy Lynn made a damn good acting choice. If JFK strips her naked, it’s just another man sexualizing Marilyn. If Marilyn strips herself naked, it’s Marilyn using her sexuality. She’s vulnerable in both places, but more so in the second choice because she’s rejected by JFK. GREAT JOB, IVY!
• While we’re giving out kudos, kudos to SMASH for actually showing us the BOOK of Bombshell.
• And shit - Plus another 100 because we actually agree with the choice Ivy made. We knew that Ivy wouldn’t care if she is remembered for taking off her clothes, just so long as she is remembered.
• Outside of Bombshell, some random woman asks Tom, “Wasn’t it wonderful?” Plus 50 because we always witness audience members talking to members of the creative team, not realizing they’re members of the creative team.
• Tom is watching Ivy sign autographs at the stage door and it's such a sweet moment that it's melting our cold cold hearts.
• Tom has to check what people are saying about the preview before he can enjoy the rest of the night. We’ve said this before: no matter how often actors and creatives pretend to ignore message boards and Twitter and reviews, we know they all read everything.
• Tom learns about Julia’s work on Hit List in The New York Times article. Because Julia is too much of a pussy to tell him herself.
• We have to give props to Christian Borle in this scene. Give the man an Emmy.
• “I’m sorry. I am a dick,” Jimmy says to Kyle, apologizing. “Yeah, you are,” says Kyle and the 5 people still watching SMASH.
• Derek is waiting on Ivy’s front steps and says that she didn’t call. Because Derek doesn't wait for girls to call - he goes out and gets them!
• Karen and Jimmy break up because he won’t tell her about his past. This seems like a ridiculous reason to end things, and we know it’s not the end of them, but shit at least we have some time of not having to deal with these assholes being together. Plus 50.

Oh Hell No! 

• Tom begins the episode by having a cliché naked-in-front-of-the-audience nightmare. Normally, we’d be all about seeing Christian Borle naked. But SMASH deprives us of even a little torso action, and shoots him in silhouette from behind. Minus 100. 
• Tom then dreams he’s in bed with Ellis! Minus 100 because ewwww, and another 100 because we saw more shirtless Jamie Cepero than we did Christian Borle and that’s just not fair.
• Tom telling Julia about how concerned he is about Bombshell. “You’re not the only one who has a lot to lose here.” Julia says. “Remember my reviews in Boston?” NOT EVERYTHING IS ABOUT YOU, JULIA. 
• Tom says he’s worried about the ghost of Derek Wills. Given what we've seen of Derek’s work, Tom shouldn't be too concerned. 
• Tom also says that as a first-time director, he won't get another shot if it doesn't work out. Even if Bombshell bombs, we’d guess Tom will be okay. Frank Wildhorn keeps getting musicals produced, after all. 
• What the hell is the Lily Hayes Theatre? Bombshell is playing at the Lyceum. Why did they change the name on the marquee? Minus 100. 
• Why is Kyle at the Bombshell invited dress? He's in the middle of rehearsals for his show. 
• Tom and Julia notice that JFK’s ring caught on Ivy’s dress. Minus 20 because that shit was happening with their back to the audience. Tom and Julia never would have seen that. 
• Julia says there’s been 14 mistakes in act 1, and Tom seems really bothered by that. It’s invited dress - 14 mistakes isn’t that much. 
• The audience audibly gasps at the sight of Ivy’ neeked body. Like, we get it that they might not be expecting nudity in this musical, but they wouldn’t react like children. 
• Also, wouldn’t Ivy be wearing some sort of nude performance panties? We wouldn’t have seen her hoo ha. 
• For the last time, SMASH, TheaterMania doesn't have message boards! Minus 100.
• Eileen wants to cancel the Bombshell first preview because she doesn't want to show something to an audience that isn't ready. Though we appreciate that a producer wouldn’t want to sell full-price tickets for an unfinished show, no show is perfect during any preview period, let alone the first. Previews are for making changes. Audiences expect that. 
• Also, Eileen should know that cancelling a preview = bad press. And for someone so stressed out about Bombshell’s press, she shouldn’t be advocating for a live date. 
• In more bad decisions, Eileen wants to keep the nudity in Bombshell to sell tickets. Remember all those articles about the nudity in Breakfast at Tiffany's? How’d that do for ticket sales?
• “We sold more tickets to the show this morning than we did the whole of last week,” says Eileen. She somehow thinks that has to do with Ivy’s nudity. It couldn’t have anything to do with the fact that YOUR INVITED DRESS WAS LAST NIGHT AND PEOPLE ARE FINALLY TALKING ABOUT THE SHOW?!? 
• Richard Francis is coming to the Hit List stumble-through. Journalism, at its most credible! 
• Ivy says she’s comfortable with nudity because she did Hair. Ivy Lynn in Hair? No. 
• Eileen tries to talk Ivy into doing nudity. “I thought it emphasized Marilyn’s vulnerability - it was shocking and real,” she says to Ivy. Um... no you didn’t. You thought it sold tickets. 
• Derek is struggling to find a connection to Hit List. “When Michael Swift and I ended things,” Julia tells him, “I saw the show more clearly than I ever had. Free from any distractions that had happened before.” That’s not what happened, Julia. You didn’t see the show clearly until you worked with a dramaturg. What is with all these characters rewriting history?
• Derek tells everyone his idea of starting Hit List at the end, like Sunset Boulevard or All About Eve. "Won't that spoil the ending?" Kyle asks, as if this is a completely new concept to him. Minus 200 because obviously Kyle would be obsessed with Merrily We Roll Along. 
• Jimmy thinks “Broadway Here I Come” won’t feel like Karen’s character’s song if Ana’s character sings it first. Did he forget this is a flashforward? Technically, Karen’s character does sing it first. And the Diva character is copying her! Doesn’t that fit in better with your whole theme?
• Why is everyone acting like its this difficult to load in this plane set? It really doesn’t look that hard.
• Derek once again reminds Jimmy that he left Broadway to do Hit List. Sure, we’d like to see Jimmy show some gratitude towards Derek. But no one held a gun to your head here, Derek. You can’t get pissed at someone else for your choices.
• “This is my first show as Artistic Director of Manhattan Theater Workshop,” Scott barks. “I took the biggest risk here!” Um... since when is this Scott’s first show as Artistic Director? Did we miss that? We thought he was long established here.
• Jimmy and Karen both think Derek is making these changes to punish them, because he’s jealous. That excuse went out that door in high school guys.
• Jimmy basically calls Kyle on the fact that he’s in love with him. Which is a really shitty thing to do to your best friend. Then again, this whole “gay guy in love with a straight guy” is a really shitty plot point. So hopefully that’s over with now.
• Sam tells Ivy, “If you Google Sam Strickland, do you know the first thing that comes up?” referring to his nudity in Take Me Out. We know that if you Google any actor, the first that comes up is “'actor's name' gay.” 
• “I think you’ll like what you see,” Derek tells Richard at the special Hit List run-through for The New York Times. Again, shows don’t do specific run-throughs for news publications. Let alone tailor their creative decisions to please one person. This. Would. Never. Happen. 
• Julia gives Tom an idea on how to fix the problem with making the 15 minute intermission. It involves switching “Public Relations” to the second song in Act II, so they have time to set up for the plane, and starting “Dig Deep” in the audience. It’s not a bad idea. But since when did Julia become Diane Paulus? 
 • Also, why is Tom choreographing this new number? Doesn’t he have a choreographer? Or is he supposed to be composer, director, and choreographer? Minus 10.
• Ugh. Of all the Bombshell numbers we wanted to see performed again, “Dig Deep” certainly wasn’t one of them.
• So you’re telling us 12 seats in the orchestra are going to be held for every show so the cast can perform one number at the top of Act II? No. That would never happen.
• "Did you give me the part of Marilyn because of my talent or because you wanted to sleep with me?" Karen asks Derek. Have you not been paying attention, Karen? HE TRIED TO FUCK YOU IN THE PILOT!
• “After the show’s over, I don’t think we should work together,” Karen tells Derek. Great idea, Karen Cartwright. Burn the only bridge you have in this industry.
• Julian Ovenden is doing the worst JFK impersonation we’ve ever seen.
• Once again, the audience gasps when Ivy drops the sheet. THE NAKED BODY IS NOT THAT SCARY.
• Sam quits Bombshell because he has been in seven Broadway shows, had a featured role in a national tour, and now he's a swing, which he considers a step down. First of all, it was your choice to leave The Book Of Mormon tour. Secondly, that’s the business you signed up for. This happens to actors all the time. Yeah, being a swing is a lot of work for not a lot of recognition, but it’s still a job on Broadway.
• The stage door for the Lyceum is actually in the back of the theatre, on 46th Street. Minus 10.
• Sorry, but the folks at that stage door were not nearly as enthusiastic as they would be.
• Tom Google searches the words “Broadway,” “Bombshell,” “Preview,” “Wednesday.” Um... Tom. It’s the first preview. Pretty sure you don’t need that “Wednesday” in there.
• The New York Times article says, “First-time writers Jimmy Collins and Kyle Bishop have collaborated on Hit List, an edgy, occasionally brilliant and topical new rock musical, bound to take this theater season by storm when it opens in three weeks.” Not from what we've seen. Then again, this is the type of show that theater types would use to fool themselves into thinking they are edgy. Like Murder Ballad or something.
• That article also refers to Karen Cartwright as luminous. Have you been taking Jimmy’s drugs, Richard?
• Here’s the thing about that article. We like the points it brought up about the similarities between Hit List and Bombshell, but there was a lot of opinion and gossip in it for a preview article. We don’t think The New York Times would print something like that. That’s more of a Post article.
• Also, calling Hit List the future of Broadway sounds like SMASH is shitting on Shaiman and Wittman and we don’t approve of that. You want to shit on Theresa Rebeck? Fine. But leave Shaiman and Wittman out of it!
• "You were in tech," Julia tells Tom as her explanation for why she was helping Scott with Hit List. Enough with “in tech” being used as an excuse for everything.
• Minus 10 for Tom drinking that martini and not throwing it in Julia’s face.
• Eileen breaks up with Richard for the Hit List article. He’s a journalist, Eileen! You can’t expect him to be partial!
• Ana flirts with Jimmy’s drug dealer friend, Adam, outside. We’re all for flirting with strangers, but you don’t do it with creepy guys you meet on the street.

…. 

So are any of you still watching this show? Anyone? Let us know in the comments!