The SMASH Reality Index Season 2 Episode 5

Uggggggghhhhhhhh

Back by popular demand, Dave (@NineDaves) and I have teamed up to bring you our take on what’s keepin’ it real and what’s faking it each week on SMASH. Follow the 'caps here or on Dave's site.

This week on SMASH, we come to yet another crossroads with Bombshell. Julia and Peter finally finish the book - which has been a total disaster up until this point - and the gang gets together to have a good old fashioned read-through. Spoiler alert - the book’s great. But Jerry doesn’t want to produce the new version because he fears it’s “too good” and would therefore, not recoup. Tom somewhat agrees, and sums up his conflict with Julia’s book concisely: “You’ve written an incredibly rich story about the men who created Marilyn. I’ve always been more interested in how Marilyn created herself.”

We’re then presented with a conflict far more interesting than that ‘Team Ivy’ or ‘Team Karen’ nonsense from Season 1: Should Bombshell be "a sexy provocative insightful musical about Marilyn and the men who made her,” as Julia wants, or “a lush dazzling still insightful spectacle about a girl who became an icon,” as Tom wants? It’s a poignant debate: Art versus Commerce. And if you’ve ever paid attention to the New York theater season, you’d see it’s something that the entire industry struggles with year after year. Bravo SMASH. You finally found a topic that strikes a solid chord.

Too bad it’s the only one you hit this week. Your other plot point was straight up recycled from last season. Remember how Ivy Lynn got cast in that Liaisons musical? Well her partner is Hollywood funnyman Terrence Falls (Sean Hayes), who is so dense, he doesn’t even know Liaisons is supposed to be a drama. Playing every scene as if it were a comedy, Terrence is SMASH’s way of reminding us that celeb-casting is ruining Broadway. Producers may cast celebrities in shows to bring in audiences, but all celebrities are buffoons who will ruin your show. Just like Rebecca Duvall (Uma Thurman) taught us last season. Terrence is even addicted to pills! Stay away, Hollywood!

Guess we can’t get many ‘Totally True’ moments without those ‘Oh Hell No’ plot points, huh? Here’s how everything else fell into place this week:

Totally True

• The read-through of Bombshell is happening at The Belasco, which Tom says contains "all the great hopes and crushing failures." We lean towards crushing failures. (Women on the Verge of a Nervous Breakdown, anyone?)

• This “Public Relations” number includes multiple Christian Borles! All our dreams coming true! (Except in our dreams, Ivy Lynn is playing Marilyn.) 

• We usually deduct points for dream sequence musical numbers, but if they all star Christian Borle, we're ok with it. The show needs to let Christian Borle show more of his comedic song-and-dance man side. The dude won a Tony for it and he’s brilliant in this number. He deserves more chances to do just that. 

•  This new song "Public Relations" is not our favorite Shaiman/Whitman Bombshell number, but it is a solid Act 2 opener. Hey Krysta Rodriguez! We almost forgot about you! Plus 10! 

• Derek tells Karen that he wants to take advantage of the buzz coming off of Jimmy and Kyle’s big song at last week’s Veronica Moore concert. The theater community doesn’t feed off overnight success like other industries, but we give him credit for thinking this way. 

• Derek says that a fringe festival is a "place to throw up a work in progress and see if it plays for a few days." Sounds about right. 

• Ivy says Terrence Falls is a big movie star and Liaisons wouldn't be happening without him. Plus 20 because revivals often don't happen without big stars. Just ask Sean Hayes and his 2010 Promises, Promises revival with Kristin Chenoweth. 

• OH HEY VEANNE COX! WE SEE YOU IN LIAISONS! 

• "The work just flowed. It was easy," says Julia about writing with Peter. We're guessing that's a euphemism. 

• Leo still exists! And we don't have to see him! Plus 100. 

• Playwright Jon Robin Baitz (Other Desert Cities) appears as himself! And we learn he used to date Tom. That must have been after his 12-year relationship with Joe Mantello ended. But plus 10 because the man has taste. 

• Jeremy Jordan in a wife-beater. We repeat – Jeremy Jordan in a wife-beater. THIS IS NOT A DRILL, PEOPLE. 

• Karen decides to have a read-through of Hit List because she just learned what read-throughs were 10 minutes ago from Derek. 

• Karen says that people like to be a part of new work, which we have to admit is actually a smart thing to say. Well done, Iowa. 

• Jimmy had a girl over. Which he would. And which makes Karen upset. Plus 20. 

• Ivy and Tom eat at the Shake Shack at Madison Square Park. Plus 10 because that place is hella good.

• Ivy claims that they’re turning Liaisons into Spamalot. Plus 100 because theater people use bad shows as shade all the time. Don’t believe us? Look at every SMASH Reality Index we’ve ever written. 

• And plus another 100 because CHRISTIAN BORLE WAS IN THE ORIGINAL BROADWAY CAST OF SPAMALOT! 

• Also, Ivy is clearly still as bitter about Spamalot beating Dirty Rotten Scoundrels for Best Musical as we are. 

• Ana says Jimmy kissed Karen because he was high. Plus 20 because that's the only way anyone can tolerate her. 

• “Why do I care so much?” Karen wonders, about Jimmy. “Because he’s hot and talented,” Ana replies. Plus 50 cause it’s like Ana knows our dating history. 

• Derek's loyalty to Eileen is cute. 

• “Don’t talk to me like that,” Eileen barks at Derek. “I’m not one of your actresses.” Plus 100 because even without a drink in her hand, Eileen is still HBIC. 

• "I felt so inspired by his commitment to his project," Julia says about Peter. Another euphemism? 

• OH HEY NIKKI BLONSKY. This is the closest you’ll ever get to Broadway! 

• Spring Awakening poster! Plus 1,000! 

• Ana wants to talk to Karen about something and Karen says that everything is taken care of. Because obviously Karen assumes that every conversation is about her problems. 

• “What part am I playing?” Jessica asks at the read-through of Hit List. Spoken like a true actress. 

• Plus 100 for this speech from Eileen: "I've been involved with the show since its inception. And I'll be damned if I'm going to be taking tea while its course is being set 10 blocks away. I lost one love and I'm not going to lose another and if anybody has a problem with that they can take me out in handcuffs." 

• Terrence decides to make all the actors in Liaisons match his tone and play the material as comedy. We’re pretty sure theater actors dumb their shit down for Hollywood actors all the time. 

• Jeremy Jordan is singing "Caught in the Storm" and it's so much better than when Karen sang it. Also, we love it when they do songs we've seen before on this show because when you work on a show, you need to work on songs more than once. 

• Everyone hates the Hit List book. “The concept’s cool,” Bobby tells the room after the reading. “But the dialogue and the characters? Come on guys – I can’t be the only one who sees this.” Wait, is he talking about Hit List or SMASH? 

• Kyle can’t handle criticism, and storms out, claiming everyone just didn’t “get it” because “it’s not Broadway.” Apparently he studied at ‘The Julia Houston School of Musical Book Writing.” 

• Also storming out of the room? Terrence, who freaks when Ivy plays her scene dramatically. Apparently he studied at “The Rebecca Duvall School for Hollywood Actors Who Want To Do Broadway.”

• The new Bombshell book is “brilliant,” according to Derek. GOOD JOB PETER. Now call us because we have a few shows currently running on Broadway we think you should fix. 

• IT’S TIME FOR THE ANN HARADA LINE OF THE WEEK: “[Hugs Julia]” CONGRATULATIONS ANN!

• “You’re not as bad a guy as you try to seem,” Ana tells Jimmy. We die.

• "This version might win some awards but it's not going to put asses in the seats for years and years to come," Jerry says, explaining why he won’t produce this version of Bombshell. This is definitely something producers have to consider.

• Jerry lists off good shows that didn’t recoup: Follies, Grey Gardens, Ragtime, and Sunday in the Park With George. He clearly knows his theater history. 

• Karen mentions that Rent started out as a book musical, but became sung-through by the time it got to Broadway. Plus 15. 

• Tom and Julia want to tell two different stories. We don't like to see Tom and Julia fighting, but we do like where they're going with the storyline—showing the complicated side of composer/lyricist relationships. 

Oh Hell No! 

• Jerry is telling Eileen what she can and cannot do, and we hate that. Minus 10. 

• Why are they doing this read-through at The Belasco? They don't usually use Broadway houses for these things, right? 

• Tom says Julia’s always nervous before a reading. We’d say this is totally true, but we’re pretty sure this is the first reading Julia has ever been a part of. 

• “Jerry’s made it perfectly clear he’s got no problem pulling the plug if [the read-through] doesn’t go flawlessly,” Derek tells us. We’re pretty sure Jerry wouldn’t have spent all the time scheming to take control of Bombshell to walk away after one bad read. 

• “We can’t afford for you to stumble again,” Derek tells Julia. “And neither can your career.” Um... Derek. 20 minutes ago, you couldn’t get a job because of all your sexual harrassment charges. Those in glass houses.... 

• Ana Vargas and Karen Cartwright are taking a kickboxing class. It’s 2002! 

• Winter Fringe Festival is not a thing. 

• Terrence Falls in Liaisons is “like getting Jim Carrey to play King Lear.” Maybe in a few years, we could see that. 

• “You came all the way out to Greenpoint to tell us that?” Jimmy asks Karen. We were wondering the same thing, and then we remember the Gossip Girl showrunner is in charge now, and just like on that show, people travel between Manhattan and Brooklyn like it ain’t no thing. 

• Jimmy’s one-night stand from the night before comes down from his lofted bed in her matching underwear to get a cup of coffee. Minus 100 because this is Greenpoint and that girl did not have nearly enough tattoos or facial piercings. 

• We’re taking points off for those horrible opening credits every time until they decide to cut them. Minus 10! 

• “You don’t hire a comedy star and ask him to play it straight,” Tom says to Ivy, referring to Terrance Falls. Apparently Tom forgot about Jim Carrey in Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. Or Robin Williams in Dead Poets Society. Or a thousand other references we could bring up right now. 

• “You’re having a read-through of a book you didn’t read?” Ivy asks Tom. Are we sure he read the first version? 

• “Karen said we should only do one act in Fringe,” Kyle says. “Leave people wanting more.” Yes Kyle. Great idea. Trust Karen Cartwright. SHE’S HAD SO MUCH EXPERIENCE AT THIS. 

• Okay people. For the last time. THE FLATIRON BUILDING IS NOT A REHEARSAL STUDIO. It’s a publishing house. We know this because one of us works there. And believe us - THEATER PEOPLE LIKE TOM AND JULIA AND IVY LYNN ARE NOT HANGING AROUND THERE ALL THE TIME. Unless, of course, they’re filming SMASH. 

• “This show had people weeping when it was first done,” Ivy says of Liaisons. Are we sure she wasn’t talking about Dracula? 

• Ivy tells Terrence that Liaisons is actually a tragedy. He seems shocked. “What a challenge!” he later says. Look, we get that they’re trying to make Terrence the Dumb-Hollywood-Comedian-Trying-To-Do-Broadway character, but we just don’t believe that anyone would be THAT dense. 

• Karen Cartwright sings Death Cab for Cutie’s “Some Boys,” a song we used to love but now will hate for the rest of our lives. THANKS FOR NOTHING, SMASH. 

• Also, another fantasy sequence musical number? The second of the night! Man, for a show about musicals, they don’t have any fucking idea how to incorporate a musical number into the show, do they? 

• Stop smelling Jimmy's clothes, Karen, you stalker. 

• Julia learns that Peter has passed on his own Bombshell script to Jerry. Said script apparently includes a Liz Taylor sequence that Julia wanted to cut because it “didn’t fit in with the theme.” Minus 50 because we would have given anything to see that. 

• “Why’d you change the title?” Jerry’s assistant Margo (Nikki Blonsky) asks Julia and Tom. “I really liked Bombshell.” Congratulations, Margo. You’re the only one. 

• Bobby hits on Kyle in the most blatant and slutty way ever. Minus 50 because gay guys aren’t all that obnoxious. And minus another 50 because sometimes, they are. 

• The reading for Bombshell ends with everyone raving about it but we didn't see any of it. Why don't you ever let us see book scenes from Bombshell, SMASH? Why? 

• Jimmy assumes Kyle would be a good book-writer because “He eats, sleeps, and drinks theater.” If that were reason enough, we’d have written dozens of books to Broadway shows by now. 

• Karen tells Kyle that she had to work hard for her success. Um... you may have taken some acting, singing, and dancing classes, Karen, but in the grand scheme of things, you got a pretty fucking big break here. You’re not exactly a long-suffering actress. So telling Kyle he “can’t exactly wake up one day and write the next great American musical?” Yeah.. STFU. 

• Eileen goes to see Nick in prison and blah blah blah no one cares. Seriously SMASH. Let this storyline die.

• “She’s a really special person,” Ana tells Jimmy. Um... no. 

• She also tells Jimmy that Karen's been through a lot this year. Like getting the lead in a musical going to Broadway? WHAT A HARD LIFE. 

• Jerry refers to Julia’s book to Bombshell as “a major accomplishment” and “an artistic triumph.” Derek goes on to say it’s “some of the best writing for a Broadway musical he’s seen in years.” Okay, let’s be real here. It can’t be that good. 

• Jerry says he’s going to produce the workshop version of Bombshell he has that Julia wrote 7 months ago. We’re pretty sure that version didn’t have half of the songs in it, including “Don’t Forget Me,” “Our Little Secret,” and “Public Relations.” 

• "If you want to take it The Public Theater, I won't stand in your way," Jerry says, implying that The Public is not concerned with making hits. Hair anyone? 

• Terrence is so inspired by Ivy that he decides to go off his meds. “There are plenty of shows that got better as they went along,” says Ana. “Rent, Next to Normal, Bombshell.” LOL. 

• The Hit List gang decides to scrap Kyle’s shitty book and have Jimmy write the show as sung-through instead. “If you work fast enough, you could still go for Fringe,” Karen says. Minus 50 because that basically means Kyle does nothing and we so want him to overcome his problems, not run away from them. 

• Uck. Jimmy tells Karen she’s “pretty cool.” Then he almost kisses her again. BARF x100. 

• Kyle tells Jimmy that Karen is dating Derek. We're not sure whether he's lying or just has the wrong information, but we don't like how pathetic the writers are making his character. 

• In the end, we’re left with two different Bombshell scripts: one that Julia/Derek like and one that Tom/Jerry like. The gang agrees to let Eileen make the tie-breaking vote to choose which script they go with. We appreciate that sentiment. But would Jerry, after all the plotting and scheming to take over, really be giving her control like that? 

 • And also, can we talk about how Eileen complained about not being a part of Bombshell anymore in the beginning of the episode, and now she’s basically totally in control again. Damn that was fast! 

• “From an audience standpoint, what would you spent $200 and give 2-hours of your time for?” Derek asks Eileen, of the two Bombshell books. Um... we’re all going to do the $30 lotto, right? 

…. 

So how’d we do this week? Anything else you add? And is it just us or is the story arc for the rest of the season totally obvious. Here’s what happens: Karen and Derek leave Bombshell for Hit List. Liaisons falls apart/closes early because of Terrence, so Ivy is unemployed again. Tom steps up to direct Bombshell and casts Ivy as Marilyn. Both Bombshell and Hit List open on Broadway and are huge successes. They, as well as Karen and Ivy, face off at the Tony Awards. The season closes before we know who wins. Unless NBC cancels the show, in which case, we find out the winner. Crystal clear, right?

Contest: Win Tickets to Orphans

Update: The contest is now closed. Thanks to everyone who entered. I loved reading all your answers, especially those of you who said Sons of the Prophet. The winner was picked at random. Congratulations Jose Solís!

Orphans has been in the news a lot lately. Shia LaBeouf was supposed to star, but then left the production due to "creative differences." He then proceeded to publish e-mails on his Twitter page between himself and everyone on the planet. But now the show is back on track with replacement Ben Foster. It will now start previews on March 26 at the Gerald Schoenfeld Theatre.

Tom Sturridge's dark comedy is about two orphaned brothers (Foster and Tom Sturridge) who live in a decrepit North Philadelphia row house. They kidnap Harold (Alec Baldwin), a notorious Chicago gangster, and he becomes a father figure to them. 

This production, directed by Daniel Sullivan, is the first time the play will be seen on Broadway, though it originally premiered in 1983. In order to win a pair of tickets to see the show, leave a comment on this post telling me a play that has never been on Broadway that you'd like to see on the Great White Way. For an extra entry, tweet about the contest or retweet one of my tweets about it. You must be following on Twitter for the extra entry. A winner will be chosen at random from all the entries on Friday, March 8, at 5:30 p.m. Please include your e-mail address or Twitter handle in the comments so I have a way to contact you if you win. Good luck!

The SMASH Reality Index Season 2 Episode 4

Back by popular demand, Dave (@NineDaves) and I have teamed up to bring you our take on what’s keepin’ it real and what’s faking it each week on SMASH. Follow the 'caps here or on Dave's site.

We’ve seen it happen time and time again. After years of struggling, an actor finally realizes his/her dream of making it to the Broadway stage in a breakout role. Fanboys and fangirls line up outside the theater for autographs, flooding the BroadwayWorld Message Boards and their Twitter feeds with endless praise and dreamcasting possibilities. Critics follow. The New York Times does a profile or two. Then there’s the Tony nomination. And eventual win. And then – without warning – said actor turns his/her back on us all and goes out to Hollywood to do a television series.

It happened with Kristin Chenoweth. And Cheyenne Jackson. Patrick Wilson did it to us too. Sutton Foster. Laura Benanti. Aaron Tveit. And then Christian Borle, Megan Hilty, and Jeremy Jordan left us to do SMASH.

For a theater fan, there’s nothing worse. You care so much about them. You’ve woken up early countless times to rush their shows. You’ve gone to their cabaret shows at 54 Below. You’ve waited to see them at Broadway on Broadway. You’ve bought their old shit at the Broadway Flea Market. And now, the closest you’ll come to seeing them on Broadway again is when they attend a Broadway show when they’re in town doing New York press for their TV show. You’ve been abandoned. You’re nothing to them.

It’s not like you don’t want them to succeed. You just want them to stay awhile and appreciate Broadway. You want them to enjoy the audience they’ve worked so hard to build.

It happens time and time again. So it’s no surprise SMASH finally documented this desire of a Broadway star to move past the Great White Way.  And they did so through the story of Ms. Veronica Moore (Jennifer Hudson).

Since SMASH has been heavily advertising Jennifer Hudson’s stint on the show, it’s no wonder we would get an episode devoted to her. Here, Veronica hired Derek to direct her one-night-only concert (missed opportunity to have JHud sing “One Night Only”) that could get her noticed by Hollywood producers. She wanted to break away from her good-girl image – and break out of Broadway. In the end, she spent 45 minutes fighting Derek on all his choices, and then sang a damn good song. It was a one-off episode that did nothing to move the bigger SMASH story forward. What a waste of time.

We’ll miss Veronica Moore (this was JHud’s last episode on SMASH). But at least y’all now know what us theater geeks deal with every few seasons or so. They at least got that right. 

How’d they do otherwise? Read on.

Totally True

• Veronica Moore sings “I Got Love” and it’s amazing and perfect and dammit we wish we could marry it.
• Is that Ryan Watkinson, our favorite ensemble member from recent revivals of Promises, Promises and How To Succeed…? Why yes! Yes it is! Plus 20!
• Sheryl Lee Ralph plays Cynthia Moore, Veronica Moore’s over-bearing, bossy, Mama Rose-like mother. Plus 100 because we knew the original Deena Jones would grow up to be a total monster.
• “You could never have enough love,” Cynthia tells Derek. “You of all people should know that after what I’ve read.” Plus 10 because that’s a read, gurl.
• IT’S TIME FOR OUR FAVORITE FEATURE, ‘THE ANN HARADA LINE OF THE WEEK!’ This week, upon meeting Veronica’s mother, “Linda” asks: “Isn’t she a little old to have a mom-ager?” CONGRATULATIONS ANN!
• Cynthia goes toe-to-toe with Derek, which makes us love her even more.
• Derek thinks Veronica sold out her concert in six hours because his name was above the title. Man, if Derek keeps up this egotistical behavior, we’re going to start calling him Tyra Banks.
• Derek refers to himself as “The Big Bad Wills.” Plus 50
• Derek complains that the songs Veronica wants to sing too safe and therefore aren’t edgy enough to shake up her image. “Get me something raw,” he screams to Tom. Karen then immediately gets in touch with Jimmy and Kyle because she thinks she knows everything.
• Julia hates acting classes. Why Julia? ‘Cause they could actually help you become a better writer? Oh yes… precisely.
• Jimmy Collins is throwing coins into what we assume is a douchebag jar. Plus 10.
• Another Joe’s Pub shout-out! Woohoo!
• Derek’s advice to Jimmy and Kyle while they finish their musical: “Try out material somewhere that counts, build buzz, get noticed.” We’ve been to enough up-and-coming composer concerts at Joe’s Pub to know that this is what people do. And spoiler alert – half of them are writing for SMASH now.
• “How fast can you get into Manhattan?” Karen Cartwright asks Jimmy. He lives in Greenpoint, Karen. Off the G? Don’t hold your breath…
• Ivy Lynn and Veronica Moore are old friends. Probably because they both have controlling mothers!
• Veronica Moore played Audrey in Little Shop of Horrors. Man, that “Somewhere That’s Green” must have been LOUD.
• “We’re big fans,” Kyle tells Tom, upon meeting him. “I haven’t seen any of his stuff,” Jimmy tells Kyle. Plus 20. 
• “An audience of a thousand just turned into a few million,” Derek tells the cast, announcing the show will be filmed for Bravo. A few million? Doubt they’d get those ratings.
• Plus 500 for SMASH showing live-singing. Take note, Les Miserables. This is how it should have been done.
• Sorry, Jimmy and Kyle, as much as we like you and your songs, we have to agree with Tom here. None of the songs you played were at all in Veronica’s voice. 
• Kyle mentions that Sondheim wrote “Send in the Clowns” in one day. Then Karen shares that Julia and Tom wrote “Don’t Forget Me” in less than that. And that, our friends, is the problem with Karen Cartwright. She thinks Julia and Tom and Stephen Sondheim are on equal playing field. Heck, she thinks they’re better! Three on a Match = Sweeney Todd.
• Peter has his acting class read Julia’s Bombshell book out loud. Only he changes all the character names. And guess what? Everyone can tell how horrible it is! ‘This is supposed to be a play about a strong woman, right?” says one student. “But she’s not strong at all. She’s far more defined by the men around her.” DING DING DING. We could have told you that and we haven’t even read 2 pages of the damn book!
• Julia loses her shit in acting class because she’s a child and can’t take criticism. Plus 10 because this is consistent with the Julia we’ve seen for the past two seasons, but minus 10 because SERIOUSLY STFU JULIA.
• Also, Plus 100 for that girl in acting class grabbing the arm of her friend while Julia acted like a total nightmare. Genius.
• Of course acting students would think that Hedda Gabler was amazing, even with the names changed.
• Jimmy lists “scotch, weed, and coke” as things that would help him write. It’s like he knows the key ingredients to The SMASH Reality Index.
• “Come to the theater,” Tom tells Julia, joking. “We have nothing but well-adjusted happy people here.” Plus 50 because they’re all crazy.
• OH HEY TOWN HALL!
• “Why did you date Derek anyway?” Veronica asks Ivy. “Was it the accent, or the hair?” Plus 80 because it was clearly both.
• Cynthia suggests Tom direct Veronica’s concert. Once again, another mention of Tom’s directing ability. You guys see that foreshadowing, right?
• Ivy tells Derek to let Veronica sing what she wants to sing. Plus 15 because it’s nice to see Ivy standing up to Derek and taking his ego down a few pegs. 
• Jimmy gets frustrated when Derek won’t look at his song, prompting a lecture from Derek to Jimmy about patience and hard work. “No one deserves anything in this business,” Derek barks. “You wait your turn and you earn it. You are not there yet.” If only he would have told that to Karen Cartwright last season.  
• Derek calls Karen “darling” for the first time in a long time. Plus 60 because we missed that misogynistic pet-name. 
• According to Kyle, Jimmy “has a trigger and when it gets pulled, he’s gone for days.” We wouldn’t mind pulling his trigger from time to time.
•  “I suggest things and you start bantering which is your way of really not listening,” Peter tells Julia, also summing up eight seasons of Will & Grace.
• “The good girl is what the people want to see,” Cynthia tells Veronica. “And you darling, need to play to your strengths.” PAGING LAURA OSNES. 
• Derek lists off Veronica’s set list. “A Sleeping Bee” (from House of Flowers), “If I Loved You” (from Carousel), “Ease on Down the Road” (from The Wiz), and “I Could Have Danced All Night” (from My Fair Lady). Hey we’d go to this concert! But only if Norm Lewis duets on “If I Loved You,” obviously.
• Tom tells Derek that when he caves, Tom likes him even less. Us too!
• Tom refers to Jimmy as “the real thing” and we can only assume that it’s really Christian Borle talking about Jeremy Jordan.
• Kyle Bishop walks down the street, singing Billy Joel songs. Just like we do sometimes. Plus 50.

And plus another 50 for choosing a Billy Joel song that’s not on one of his Greatest Hits albums.

• “Everybody Loves You Now” is a fantastic song.

• Yay! A ghostlight! Plus 10!

• Jimmy’s a lot nicer when he’s on drugs. Plus 30 because we are too.

• We assume the only way Jimmy was into kissing Karen Cartwright was because he was on drugs.

• “So this is your fix?” Julia asks Peter, while pouring a glass of wine. “Getting drunk at noon on a weekday?” Sounds good to us.

• Julia finally has a breakthrough, realizing that the show is not about Marilyn, but more about how men saw her. “Every scene should be from a man’s point of view,” she says. “She didn’t have a voice. They all spoke for her.” Damn this show sounds good now!

• Nick turns himself in and Eileen confesses that she knew where the money came from and no one cares.

• Veronica decides to do the edgy version of her show as if none of us didn’t see that coming from a mile away.

• Oh hey Joe’s Pub reference #2!

• WE’LL GO TO YOUR HOME IN THE BERKSHIRES WITH YOU, PETER!

• Eileen gathers Derek, Tom, and Julia together to tell them that Bombshell is going to Broadway… with Jerry as producer. “He’s the world’s worst human being, but he’s a very good producer,” she says, stepping down from the production. We’re sure that’s true of a lot of producers.

• Turns out Ellis is the one who tipped off Jerry to Eileen’s legal problems. BECAUSE OF COURSE ELLIS IS STILL AROUND. 

• “Don’t ever, ever contact me again” Jerry tells Ellis, cutting him a $50,000 check. 10 bucks says the producers told Jaime Cepero the same thing – but paid him way less. 

Oh Hell No!

• Another week, another montage. We’re going to keep deducting points for this, SMASH, until you get your shit together and change up your format!
• Derek is directing Veronica Moore’s solo concert, and he hires Tom to be musical director? They hate one another! This makes no sense.
• And it’s not just Tom. Linda’s here. Karen. Doesn’t Derek know anyone else in the industry? Or is it just people he worked with on Bombshell?
• Derek wonders where ensemble member “Beth” is, despite the fact that none of the other ensemble members are performing with Veronica during “I’ve Got Love” at the moment. Focus Wills!
• As much as we like Sheryl Lee Ralph as a bitchy stage mom, we kind of had that character last season. Only she was played by Bernadette Peters. Meh.
• Veronica apparently sold out her one-night-only concert in six hours. And her mother thinks she could have done it in one hour! Both of these are completely implausible for a Broadway star. Even Alan Cumming and Liza Minnelli didn’t sell out their concert that fast!
• Beth’s boyfriend won’t let her work with Derek because of his sexual harassment issues. Sorry Beth, but you’re a fucking idiot for letting your boyfriend dictate what ensemble parts you’re going to take.
• “Musicals take years to develop,” says Kyle. “There’s no shortcuts.” Obviously he didn’t watch SMASH last season, when Bombshell was produced in 15 episodes.
• Karen Cartwright criticizes Jimmy for not dressing up to meet Derek. Derek is wearing a dirty v-neck t-shirt. Minus 10.
• Can we talk about how ridiculous it is that this concert is even happening this quickly? Jimmy and Kyle couldn’t get Joe’s Pub because it was booked six months in advance. You think Town Hall is just free? Last week, Veronica mentioned she wanted to do this concert. And now we’re here, two days before, with tickets already sold, and a TV crew on the way? Minus 100.
• The only way Bravo would be filming a Veronica Moore concert is if Kathy Griffin were hosting and Kim Zolciak was headling. Minus 200.
• Are we the only ones who think Jimmy should have song all his demos? His voice is amazing – far better than Karen Cartwright’s!
• We get that they’re going for this “Jimmy is a total asshole” thing. But even a bad-boy Broadway composer is still a fucking BROADWAY COMPOSER. He would know better than to mouth off to Tom when given a huge opportunity like composing a song for Veronica Moore to sing in a nationally televised concert.
• Sorry. We don’t buy that Karen Cartwright knows shit about writing songs.
• Also, why is Karen everyone’s fucking muse?
• Karen gives Jimmy terrible advice, saying he should write the song for him, not for Veronica Moore. Was she not there just two scenes ago when all his other songs that he wrote for himself were totally rejected because they didn’t fit Veronica Moore’s voice?
• Kyle eavesdrops on Karen and Jimmy. Because apparently, the writers think we miss Ellis. Ugh.
• Minus 100 for everything about this songwriting scene. EVERYTHING.
• Nick’s back and we still don’t care.
• Veronica Moore doesn’t have a life at all because she works too hard. Minus 500 because if SMASH thinks they’re going to get us to care about their characters by presenting a storyline about a famous star who works too hard and doesn’t have a personal life, they’re wrong. Give us something we can relate to for fuck’s sake. #RichPeopleProblems
• Veronica is complaining about working with Derek. She doesn’t like how he pushes her so hard outside her comfort zone. Yet she was the one who hired him to direct her concert SO SHE COULD BREAK OUT OF HER GOOD GIRL IMAGE. AND SHE’S THE ONE WHO WANTED HIM TO DIRECT HER IN THE WIZ BECAUSE HE WAS THE ONLY ONE NO AFRAID TO MAKE AN EDGY VERSION OF THE SHOW. GODDAMMIT WHAT IS THE PROBLEM HERE.
• Karen Cartwright tries to stand up for Veronica when Derek is yelling at her. Girl, STFU THIS IS NOT ABOUT YOU.
• Eileen Rand has a tearful conversation with Nick, convincing him to stay. The Eileen Rand we know would have thrown a drink in his face for totally disappearing on her. Minus 10.
• Karen Cartwright refers to Jimmy and Kyle’s song as “simple, pure,” and “Broadway – with a fresh take.” Minus 400 because we get the feeling Karen hasn’t seen a Broadway show in years.
• Jimmy once again mouths off to Derek, and then get’s pissed at Karen because she doesn’t leave with him. Again – we get it. Jimmy’s an asshole. But this is a little much. 
• Derek claims Jimmy’s bad behavior is an attempt to show off in front of Karen. As if Derek isn’t always doing the same thing.
• “Look Karen, you’re a really nice person…” Kyle says, in the lie of a lifetime.
• The Singing Bird, Peter’s play, is actually about a bird who sings. Peter might be a bad playwright, but no one would publish that shit under that title.

• “I want Bombshell to be great,” Julia says. “I just wish I knew what was wrong.” Um… Julia? EVERYONE HAS BEEN TELLING YOU WHAT IS WRONG FOR FOUR EPISODES NOW. STFU AND LISTEN!

• “If my mother loved me half as much as I loved you,” Cynthia tells Veronica, “Maybe my singing wouldn’t have stopped in church.” Okay Mama Rose. We get it.  You were born too soon and you started too late. What you have in you? You could have been better than any of us. What you’ve got in you? What you’ve been holding down inside of you… oh if you ever let it out. There wouldn’t be signs BIG ENOUGH. THERE WOULDN’T BE LIGHTS BRIGHT ENOUGH!

• “Sometimes I don’t remember what I wanted,” says Veronica. Go back and watch last week’s episode, gurl.

• As much as we don’t believe Jimmy’s bad boy attitude, we also don’t believe his “I’m so sick of letting everyone down” excuses.

• Karen advises Jimmy to go back into the theater so everyone can see he can handle rejection. “That’s what I did when I didn’t get Marilyn,” Karen says. Actually Karen, that’s not what you did. You bitched and moaned and pouted until you got your way.

• Also, why would Jimmy go back into the theater if they’re not using his song? He’s not involved anymore! Time to go home and sober up!

• Jimmy and Karen kiss and MINUS EVERYTHING.

• Veronica sings “I Got Love” as a slow, sultry number, accompanied by bad Fosse-esque choreography. Congratulations Derek! You’ve helped break Veronica out of her good girl image. She’s now terrible! Like, truly truly awful.

• Also, Ivy Lynn is not a dancer.

• Jimmy and Kyle are inexplicably backstage, watching Veronica’s performance. They had no reason to be there given that they thought their song wasn’t chosen.

• Fun fact! “I Can’t Let Go” – the show-stopping number Veronica sings at the end of her concert that’s supposed to be written by Jimmy and Kyle? It was actually composed by Marc Shaiman and Scott Whitman. The same guys who wrote all the songs Julia and Tom wrote for Bombshell. We love the song (and Veronica’s performance). But if Jimmy and Kyle are supposed to be the anti-Tom and Julia, perhaps pick a different song.

• And that was clearly not Karen and Ivy signing backup. Unless they magically can sing like black women.

• Veronica brings Jimmy and Kyle on stage to bow at the end of her concert. First of all, they weren’t even supposed to be there as her singing their song was a totally surprise (and last minute decision). Second of all, it’s not like they’re established composers or even first-timers after the performance of their first full show. And third of all, Kyle didn’t do anything to write this song.

• Tom and Derek are pulled from the after-party of Veronica’s show to talk to Eileen. Tom is wearing a tux. Derek, that same dirty black t-shirt from rehearsals. Minus 50.

• “I just hope I’m not making the wrong decision,” Eileen says, as the camera pans in on the awful Bombshell artwork. Too late for that!

• Jerry gives some speech about how Bombshell will be “the biggest hit Broadway’s had in years” (LOL The Book of Mormon LOL) and how “everyone will know Eileen Rand couldn’t do it on her own” (eye roll). 

….

So what do you think? Were you as annoyed with this week’s episode as we were? Let us know!  

Contest: Win Tickets To Ann on Broadway

Update: The contest is now closed. Thanks to everyone who entered. The winner was picked at random. Congratulations Phillip! If you didn't win, check back on Monday for a chance to win tickets to another new Broadway show.

Happy morning-after-The-Oscars! Today, I'm giving away a pair of tickets to see Holland Taylor's one-woman show, Ann. Taylor, who also wrote the show, portrays Ann Richards, the legendary governor of Texas.

In order to win a pair of tickets to see the show, leave a comment on this post telling me which political figure you'd like to see a play about. If you have an idea for who should play that person, include that as well, though it's not necessary for the entry. For an extra entry, tweet about the contest or retweet one of my tweets about it. You must be following on Twitter for the extra entry. A winner will be chosen at random from all the entries on Friday, March 1, at 5:30 p.m. Please include your e-mail address or Twitter handle in the comments so I have a way to contact you if you win. Good luck!