• The “previously on” part of this episode is basically a recap of the season. Already getting us in the mindset to say goodbye to SMASH. (A retrospective with interviews would have been even better. We can dream can’t we!)
• Ivy Lynn wakes up signing. She’s a real-life Tracy Turnblad! Plus 10.
•
Bombshell got 10 Outer Critics Circle nominations and
Hit List got 11. This year,
Chaplin got 8 and
Matilda got 5, so the OCC does crazy shit like this all the time.
• “The Outer Critics Circle are a bunch of sadists,” says Tom. “They don’t tell you they’ve won, you have to keep refreshing their website to find out.” Plus 50.
• Tom, Eileen, and Agnes attend a production of
The Gathering Storm. “There’s Tony voters in there,” says Agnes. “They need to see we support the competition.” Plus 20.
• OH HEY LUKE MACFARLANE! YOU LOOK DAMN GOOD! WE LOVED YOU ON
BROTHERS & SISTERS!
• Tom is checking his phone during
The Gathering Storm to see if he’s won an Outer Critics Circle Award and it pisses off everyone around him. “Are you kidding me?” gripes Luke MacFarlane’s character. “Haven’t you ever been to a theater before?” Plus 100 because this is the type of theater etiquette
SMASH should be promoting, not that nonsense over at
Hit List.
• Luke MacFarlane is playing some character named Patrick Dillon. Because guys with full names that sound like two first names is like, so goddamn hot.
• Tom wins his Outer Critics Circle Award for Best Director! Guess they must have really loved that new staging of “Dig Deep,” huh?
• Karen also wins an Outer Critics Circle Award over Ivy Lynn, which we can believe because the OCC Awards make even less sense than most other theater awards.
Bobby and Jessica think Ivy’s relapsed. “She black-swanned once before,” Bobby tells Sam. “And that was only Boston. This is Broadway!” Plus 60 for Bobby’s last bitchy line.
• Apparently Tom tied with Derek for his OCC Award for Best Director. Sure, why not! This is all fake anyway - why not make everyone win!
• Apparently,
Bombshell only picked up two OCC Awards: Tom for Director and Julia for Book. The rest went to
Hit List. Again, it’s just the OCCs, which often plays out differently than the Tonys.
• Patrick Dillon is signing autographs on
The Gathering Storm Playbills, outside the theater, despite not being in the show. Plus 10 because we see celebrities do that all the time (even though it’s totally annoying).
• “I love his movies,” Tom says, of Patrick Dillon. “His
Long Day’s Journey Into Night last season, not so much.” “Well he won a Tony for it,” Agnes responds. Plus 85 because Hollywood stars win Tonys for mediocre turns on Broadway all the time (see: Scarlett Johansson, and probably Tom Hanks).
• “Only winners get to go to the Outer Critics Circle luncheon,” Jerry tells Derek, Jimmy, and Karen. “But since we practically swept the awards, we have a whole table.” Plus 15 for accuracy!
• Jerry shows the Karen and Jimmy mockups of posters with Tony Award nominations.
• Jerry says that they don’t expect Kyle to get a fake Tony nomination for Best Book. “Our show is basically sung-through,” he says. “So were
Rent and
Passing Strange,” Karen barks back. “And they won.” Dammit we hate when she’s right.
• Ana is suing Derek because he promised the Diva role to Daisy Parker. Man, the meetings she must have had at Equity...
• “Maybe some things are more important than a career,” Karen tells Derek. “Like self-respect.” Let that be a warning to any theater actor during pilot season, please.
• Ivy hasn’t told Derek yet about the baby, and isn’t sure she’s keeping it. LET IT BE YOUR STAR, IVY.
• “In some circles, they don’t consider that a gift at all,” Tom says of the bottle of wine he sent Patrick Dillon. Plus 10.
• Oh hey Michael Musto. Sorry you just lost your job at
The Village Voice, but all these actors on
SMASH lost their jobs too!
• Like any good Michael Musto interview, this one with Jimmy Collins is totally gossipy and shit, we love it.
• A fangirl at the
Bombshell stagedoor tells Ivy Lynn that
Hit List shouldn’t have won any awards and that Bombshell is so much better. “Karen should not have beaten you,” she gripes. Plus 100 because we’ve seen those fangirls. Heck, we’ve
been those fangirls.
• Also, plus 100 because Ivy is positive to the first fangirl, saying that “Hit List is a wonderful show and Karen’s wonderful in it.”
Ivy Lynn tells another fangirl that the only reason
Hit List made it to Broadway was because Kyle Bishop died. PLUS 500!
• Plus 1,000 for that creepy dude who filmed Ivy at the stage door and then ran off. He was so ridiculous!!
• “If You Want Me,” which Ana sings at her audition, is such a beautiful song! Go see
Once if you haven’t already!
• Ivy is still not sure if she’s keeping the baby, and still not sure if she’s telling Derek, but now she told Sam, so there’s that?
• THE SMASH REALITY INDEX FINALLY GETS MENTIONED ON #SMASH!
• Ivy’s created an online backlash against
Hit List. Except it was probably there way before her.
“If it isn’t my two favorite PR disasters,” Agnes says to Tom and Ivy. “What are you going to do today? Burn down Table 46?” Plus 100 because IF ONLY.
• Eileen and Jerry trade quips. “Eileen, I thought you’d be wearing black today!” “No Jerry, I’m saving it for your funeral.” Plus 10.
• “Thank you for waiting patiently while I fixed something that was nearly broken,” Julia says in her OCC Awards speech. She’s talking about
SMASH, right?
• OH HEEEEY MARY TESTA! PLUS 50!
• Tom lets Derek give his acceptance speech first. “You first, I’ll finish. That seems familiar.” Plus 10.
• Tom thanks Derek Wills in his Outer Critics Circle Awards speech. Because he’s classy like that!
• He also makes a lame joke that doesn’t get a huge laugh--”You and I go together like Lena Dunham and a bra.” Thank you speeches are so hard to get right.
• Ivy tries to apologize to Jimmy halfway through the Outer Critics Circle Awards luncheon, which leads to a giant pile up fight between Ivy, Jimmy, Julia, Tom, Derek, Karen, and eventually, Eileen. Aww the whole gang’s back together!
• Halfway through Karen’s number, Jimmy looks around, as if he’s distracted and bored. We guess he’s just surveying the crowd, but LOL.
• “My life has to be about more than this show,” says Eileen. “WE AGREE!” says every
SMASH recapper out there, who’ve given up their evenings for the past two seasons.
• “You know what they say about Tony voting,” Patrick Dillon tells Tom. “First you vote for yourself. Then you vote against your enemies. And then you vote for your heart.” Man, for a big Hollywood movie star who’s a first-time Tony voter, he sure knows a lot!
• Jimmy waits for Karen’s autograph and we guess that’s kinda sweet.
• Also, Karen doesn’t recognize Jimmy at first when he’s at the stage door in a hoodie because she’s signing autographs without looking at people’s faces. It didn’t take her long to learn how to rush through a stage door line.
• Julia comes to the
Hit List stage door and apologizes to Jimmy (for doing nothing wrong) and he apologizes back and OMG GET ON WITH IT.
• “Artists shouldn’t feel ashamed about helping each other. It shouldn’t always be a competition,” says Julia, and she has a point. In real life, we love seeing Broadway artists support each other.
• Ivy sums up Derek’s entire arc this season on
SMASH: “You’ve never done the right thing, Derek. And you never will.” Plus 10, even though we still want to make out with him.
• Julia arrives at Tom’s to watch the Tony nominations with him and Ivy. “I brought scones,” she says. “And scotch in case things go badly.” Plus 10.
• OF COURSE KAREN CARTWRIGHT AND ANA AND JIMMY ARE WATCHING THE TONY AWARD NOMINATIONS ONLINE. BECAUSE THEY PROBABLY DON’T OWN A TV.
• OH HEY CHRISTINE EBERSOLE AND CHEYENNE JACKSON LOOKING FABULOUS!
• Leigh Conroy and Ivy Lynn pick up Featured Actress fake Tony nominations! And they said the category right and everything! Plus 10!
• Ann Harada wasn’t in this episode, but it’s time for our favorite feature, THE ANN HARADA LINE OF THE WEEK. “I was even snubbed in the fake Tonys for a nomination for featured actress in
Rogers + Hammerstein’s Cinderella!” CONGRATULATIONS ANN!
• Derek gets two nominations for Best Choreography - for both
Hit List and
Bombshell. But he’s up against Casey Nicholaw for
The Gathering Storm and Susan Stroman for
Imitation of Life. Nicholaw gets it, right?
• Kyle Bishop gets the Tony nomination for Best Book of a musical, becoming the youngest person ever nominated for a fake Tony for Best Book of a Musical! CONGRATULATIONS KYLE!
• Kyle’s competition, meanwhile, is Julia for
Bombshell, Harvey Fierstein for
The Gathering Storm, and David Lindsay-Abaire for
The Last Good Year. Tough category.
• Man, the few seconds we heard of
The Gathering Storm while Tom was checking his phone didn’t do much for us, but directed by Susan Stroman with a book by Harvey Fierstein? TWO TICKETS PLEASE!
• Tom and Derek both pick up nominations for Directing, going up against Rob Ashford and Diane Paulus (
Oliver). A Diane Paulus
Oliver? Do Fagin’s boys come into the audience and pick the pockets of audience members? This we also need to see.
• Derek is apparently the second person in fake Tony history to be nominated for three awards in the same year. The first one was Bob Fosse! (Okay that one was real). Also, let’s not forget about Kenneth Posner and his three lighting design nominations in the same category this year (in the real Tonys)!
•
Bombshell and
Hit List are obviously nominated for best score, and so is Jeanine Tesori for
Imitation of Life. It’s about time she had a new score. Why are none of these shows real? We want to see all of them.
• Christine Ebersole forgets to mention Ivy’s Lead Actress fake Tony nomination, and has to go back. DAMN YOU CHRISTINE EBERSOLE! NO WONDER THEY LEFT YOU OFF THE POSTER FOR THAT WEDDING MOVIE!
• Ivy obviously gets the nomination. Because god forbid
SMASH spare us from an Ivy vs. Karen fight ‘til the end.
• All in all,
Bombshell picks up 12 nominations, and
Hit List, 13. “That doesn’t mean anything, that’s just one more than us,” Agnes tells Eileen. Does she do PR for the folks at
Matilda too? ‘Cause we bet they were saying that about
Kinky Boots this season!
• Patrick Dillon sends Tom a bottle of Petite Syrah with a hand-written congratulations note on his own stationary. What a homo!
•
BRIAN D’ARCY JAMES IS BACK! PLUS 300!
Brian d’Arcy James threatens to take Julia for all she’s worth and we’ve never been more attracted to him.
• OH HEY MICHAEL RIEDEL! You’ve had more lines on this show than most of the recurring characters.