The SMASH Reality Index Season 2 Episode 10

Back by popular demand, Dave (@NineDaves) and I have teamed up to bring you our take on what’s keepin’ it real and what’s faking it each week on SMASH. Follow the 'caps here or on Dave's site.

Every once and awhile, we have to give the SMASH writers props for getting an episode right. And while “The Surprise Party” was by no means perfect, we’ll give them kudos for actually finding a common theme in all the storylines that not only made sense, but was worth exploring. Surprise, indeed!

The topic on this week’s agenda? Professionalism. Where do you draw the line between working, dating, and friendship? Should they be mutually exclusive? Tom struggled with the fact that Ivy couldn’t be friends with him anymore, at least not while he was directing her. Karen wanted Jimmy to go public with their relationship. Old feelings started to stir up between Julia and Scott. Richard didn’t want Eileen’s work to get in the way of their dating. There were no easy answers to any of these conflicts because everyone had valid reasons for their actions. Sometimes people date and work together and they have long happy lives together. Other times it all goes to shit. These are questions that not only matter in theater, but really, in any work environment.

In the end, Karen and Jimmy decided they’re willing to take that risk, even if it means the wrath of Derek. Tom and Ivy decided to keep things professional, even if it means missing out on the fun times now and then. Julia and Scott decided to give things a go, even if it means hurting an already fragile relationship. And Richard and Eileen decided to take things slow, even if it means... not fucking for awhile. For possibly the first time this season, we’re intrigued to see where things go from here! (More-so with the Julia and Scott sex, and less so with the Eileen and Richard sex).

Plus this episode gave us Liza! How can you go wrong with that!?!

Here's how it all played out:

Totally True

• Ivy and Tom are having a tense time in tech rehearsals. And whenever Ivy throws shade towards Tom, the whole cast laughs. We’d like to think ensemble members in a Broadway show would be a little more professional than that, but we’re pretty sure it’s still like high school drama club.
• IT’S TIME FOR OUR FAVORITE FEATURE! THE ANN HARADA LINE OF THE WEEK. “Let's reset and run it again.” Bonus points for her facial expression. CONGRATS ANN!
• Tom says that Ivy is poisoning everyone against him. "Sam won't make eye contact with me anymore," he says. "That one's not Ivy. That's all you," Julia tells him, doing our jobs for us.
• Julia is depressed that Leo is visiting colleges without her. Meanwhile the entire audience at home just jumped for joy knowing we won’t have to see Leo! Plus 10.
• Tom tells Julia not to follow Leo on Facebook. Or Instagram. EXACTLY! Everyone knows you follow people on Twitter, not Facebook.
• Michael Riedel runs a column in the Post, revealing the tension between Ivy and Tom over the casting of Leigh Conroy. Plus 50 because dammit those Riedel columns are always right.
• “What is he, seven years old?” The New York Times arts editor Richard says about Michael Riedel. We can think of worse things to call him, but that works.
• “She’s not my friend,” Karen says to Jimmy, about Ivy. Once a shade thrower, always a shade thrower.
• Plus 10 for the Once and Peter and the Starcatcher posters, since they both originated at New York Theatre Workshop.
• This is the third time we’ve seen a Peter and the Starcatcher poster on SMASH. It’s the new Catch Me If You Can!
• “I can’t wait to get out of here and get drunk,” Ivy tells Sam. “I just want to go blow of a little steam if you know what I mean. It’s been four months! Something’s gotta give.” Ivy Lynn, talking about drinking and sex? AMEN SISTER.
• Ivy talks about possibly hooking up with the actor playing JFK. Intercast dating! It is just like high school drama club!
• Ann Harada gets another good line this week: “Oh right there. The blonde,” she says to the flower delivery guy looking for Ivy. Then she tells Tom they’re not doing anything for her birthday because “everyone’s so tired.” Plus, did you see her gold facial expression she threw Tom when she told him “it’s her birthday?” WE LOVE YOU, ANN!
• “Ivy loves her birthday,” Tom says. WHO DOESN’T!?!
• Eileen sent Ivy champagne for her birthday. We’re sure she meant her assistant sent Ivy champagne, but whatever - how do we get on that list!?!
• Of course Tom has Liza’s phone number in his contacts. Of course.
• Tom thinks that arranging something between Liza and Ivy will fix things between him and Ivy. “I can’t take back what I did,” he tells Eileen, “but I can remind her how much I love her. And after she forgives me, everything can go back to the way it’s supposed to be.” Normally we’d shit on Tom for being so ridiculous and thinking that you could just buy someone’s forgiveness. BUT IT’S LIZA! IT’D WORK FOR US!
• We finally understand the purpose of the Diva character. Karen’s character wants to reinvent herself to be like her. So Karen’s character is as lame as Karen herself! Finally - this all makes sense!
• We’ve been pretty hard on Hit List so far, but this “Original” song (written by Pesek and Paul) song is serving us musical theater pop realness.
• WAIT A MINUTE WAIT A MINUTE WAIT A MINUTE. THIS “ORIGINAL” SONG IS ABOUT LANA DEL RAY AND LADY GAGA!?!? AHHHAAHAAAHAAHAAHAAAHAA
• NO THESE DANCERS ARE NOT SHOWING US LANA DEL RAY AND LADY GAGA GETTING MADE OVER?! OMFG! THIS IS THE BEST WORST THING SMASH HAS EVER DONE!
• Also Gaga and Lana Del Ray would never do any of these dance moves. WHICH MAKES THIS NUMBER THAT MUCH BETTER.
• SERIOUSLY YOU GUYS JUST NEED TO WATCH THIS. IT’S UNREAL!!! Our favorite lines from this “Original” number, by far: “And now it’s crazy clothes / a brand new name / a fixed-up nose / and monster fame / Though she might say that she was born this way / she made herself a star.” That pretty much sums up Gaga!
• Richard says every new piece of Hit List he sees makes him more intrigued. If it’s going to be this much of a trainwreck, then we’re totally there!
• Richard wants to write a piece about Derek and Karen’s relationship. “Director and ingenue leave the bright lights of Broadway for off-Broadway arm and arm.” “Too bad that’s not true,” Derek says, claiming that he’s not involved with Karen. “Are you saying the bad boy of Broadway’s reformed?” asks Richard? “I’m saying that’s a lot of alliteration for The New York Times,” Derek responds. Because that’s a Post headline if we ever heard one.
• (It took a bit to get to that last one, but it was worth it, huh?)
• Julia gives a pretty substantial critique of the Hit List book to Scott. “I love the questions the show is asking about identity and fame in the modern age. The songs are outstanding. But right now, the Diva’s not a character. She’s just a symbol. A trigger for Amanda to transform herself. She has no real agency of her own.” Julia is apparently much better at fixing other shows than her own! Plus 50.
• “You’re both adults. You can be professional and still be public,” Ana tell Karen about the fact that Jimmy wants to keep his relationship with Karen a secret. Lots of couples date and work together in the industry and it never stays secret for long.
• Jimmy booty-calls Karen by sending her cryptic text messages about being “needed in wardrobe.” Plus 10.
• Ivy agrees to go to dinner with Tom because he says he had a big surprise for her. Gurl loves a surprise!
• “And you can have your pick of the hot guys,” Bobby says to Ivy about her party. “Hot straight guys,” she says in response. “Straight guys. Don’t mess that part up.” An important distinction when you work in the theater. (Linda says, from experience).
• Characters keep saying that they are in tech and we’re not sure if this is supposed to be a meta reference to last season’s infamous “I’m in tech” line, but we hope so. We like it when SMASH has a sense of humor about itself.
• OH HEEEEY DAPHNE RUBIN-VEGA IS BACK AS AGNES, THE BEST PUBLICIST EVER. Plus 100!
• We’re not sure why reporters would care about this dinner between Liza, Ivy, and Tom, or how that would lead to good press for Bombshell, but we’re too afraid of Agnes to cross her.
• “I don’t want to do this here,” Karen tells Jimmy while they’re making out in the costume closet. “You want to try the lighting booth?” Jimmy responds. Plus 50.
• Ivy spends the bulk of her dinner with Tom checking her phone. “Checking your phone is the international symbol of ‘I’d rather be having a root canal,’” Tom says. Plus 100 because he’s right and that’s so annoying.
• Agnes accompanies Michael Riedel to the surprise publicity opportunity. Do you think between takes, he and Daphne gossiped about Rent hookups?
• IT’S LIZA WITH A Z, BITCHES! PLUS EVERYTHING!
• Liza says hello to Agnes, but completely ignores Michael Riedel - instead brushing his chest with her hand. OMFG YESSSSSSSS.
• Ivy decides not to leave the party when Liza tells her to stay. BECAUSE YOU DO ANYTHING LIZA TELLS YOU TO DO.
• CHRISTIAN BORLE AND LIZA ARE SINGING A SHAIMAN AND WITTMAN SONG AND WE FORGIVE EVERYTHING, SMASH.
• The song, which Tom wrote for Ivy’s birthday, is called “A Love Letter From The Times” and it’s adorable.
• YOU CAN WRITE US A SONG FOR OUR BIRTHDAYS ANYTIME, TOM!
• Also, Liza is sitting for the whole song. She did the same thing for her Liza and Alan show a few weeks back. SHE’S GOT A BAD ANKLE, Y’ALL!
• “I may have overreacted a teeny bit,” Ivy tells Tom, as they make up. Understatement of the year.
• Julia says she may have known that Scott had feelings for her the night they heard John Guare speak at the 92nd Street Y. Plus 15 because that’s a theater nerd’s idea of romance.
• Kyle has a brilliant idea to fix Hit List while he’s in the other room. We always get the best ideas when we take a break from our work too.
• Ivy finally arrives at her birthday party. Sadly, she won’t be getting any. “JFK left with High-Kick Heidi 10 minutes ago.” Plus 100 for the intershow nicknames and hookups.
• Ivy tells Sam to lighten up on Tom. Well that storyline lasted long!
• Ivy’s birthday cake has Marilyn on it. Plus 50.
• Jimmy and Karen are in the middle of rehearsing a cheesy scene in which he actually says the line, “What about me? I’m right in front of you,” and Derek interrupts by saying, “That’s enough. This is so sweet I’m getting a cavity. The scene is supposed to prevent Amanda from committing suicide. You do it like that, the entire audience is going to want to jump off the bridge with her.” Again, he’s making our job easy.
 • Kyle makes major changes to the book, which require Karen and Jimmy’s parts to be reduced. Plus 30 because FINALLY Kyle did something useful!
• Derek doesn’t care about cutting Karen and Jimmy’s part. Hell hath no fury like a lover scorned.
• Julia and Scott go to get a drink and she tells him that this time, if he feels something, he can tell her. Somebody’s getting lucky!
• Eileen and Richard decided to take things slowly because they both have baggage. Probably the most sound decision Eileen has made all season.
• Derek joins Ivy for a birthday drink. And probably, birthday fuck. At this point, we’ll take any action that’s not Karen and Jimmy. Plus 10.

Oh Hell No! 

• We get that Ivy is pissed at Tom, but she wouldn’t be that much of a bitch to him. Especially considering she wasn’t playing Marilyn like, 10 minutes ago. Like, has she been taking temper tantrum lessons from Jimmy Collins? Minus 50. 
• Tom says that tech is supposed to be fun. We have never heard anybody in the industry refer to tech as fun. 
• Minus 10 for alluding to a photo of Frank at a keg party and not showing it to us. •We deserve to see Brian d’Arcy James, dammit!
• Eileen tells Richard that the set designer Sabrina would be perfect for ArtsBeat. We don't recall ever seeing a story on a set designer in ArtsBeat. It's more for short news items.
• Meanwhile, the Bombshell piece already ran in the Times? Minus 20 for not showing us THAT interview between Ivy and Leigh.
• Jimmy and Karen are still sneaking around. He claims it’s because they’re working together. “It’s not professional,” he reminds Jimmy. Since when has Jimmy ever cared about professionalism? He fights with his director all the time! And last week he tried to steal a watch from the coat of someone at a fundraiser!
• Minus a whole bunch of points for this Jimmy and Karen make out. Laaaaame.
• Jimmy makes enough in a week to pay Derek back the $8,000? What the fuck kind of bar does he work at?
• Minus 10 for the Other Desert Cities poster, since that’s a Lincoln Center show and we all know how Scott feels about that place.
• Ivy gets flowers sent to her for her birthday, and the entire cast rallies around them, gawking. Guys, it’s just flowers. Calm the fuck down!
• Plus, you know Ivy sent herself those flowers. Oldest trick in the book!
• Nice to have some dialogue before this Hit List number. But wasn’t the show supposed to be sung-through?
• While we like this “Original” song for all it’s ridiculousness, it sounds nothing like the other songs in Hit List. If this show wins the fake Best Original Score Tony in the fake SMASH Tony Awards, we’re going to be pissssssed.
• “And Karen’s every bit as good as I’ve heard,” Richard says. Really Richard? Really?
• Ugh. They’ve updated the poster for Hit List and now it looks like the poster from Almost Famous. Minus 500.

• Ivy is left at her birthday party, eating cake with Sam. Fags and hags: together until the end.
• Derek is okay with Julia offering changes to the book. We have to admit - we did not see that coming.
• “You’re not asking me to be a dramaturg, are you?” Julia asks Scott and Derek. Um, Scott asked you that last week.
• Ana questions Jimmy’s sketchy behavior to Karen. “Don’t you think this top secret thing is a bit of a red flag?” shes asks. “How much do you really know about Jimmy?” Well let’s see, Ana. You’ve all been working together and hanging out together for months now. SHOULDN’T YOU ALL KNOW THE SAME THINGS ABOUT ONE ANOTHER BY NOW?!
• Also, as far as we can see, Karen and Ana didn’t know much about one another when they moved in together. So really, Ana, this advice is kinda shit.
• Karen tells Ana she’s had a bad track record trusting her instinct with guys. “I dated a guy for three years and look what happened,” she says, referring to Dev. What exactly happened, Karen? You treated Dev like shit and then he cheated on you? Are you saying you don’t hold some responsibility in that matter?
• Tom’s surprise dinner with Liza is apparently at Table 46. The same fictional restaurant where Jimmy and Kyle work. Minus 50 because ugh.
• More making out between Karen and Jimmy. Minus 50.
• Karen thinks that Jimmy is hiding their relationship because he’s ashamed of her. “Let’s just go in there and tell everyone that we’re together,” she begs. But Jimmy tells Karen he’s not ready for that, and she storms off. Oh god Karen. STOP COMPLAINING. YOU’RE MAKING OUT WITH JEREMY JORDAN. STFU AND TAKE HIS PANTS OFF.
• “Is there a night when Eileen is not here?” Tom asks Ivy, at Table 46. Eileen always hangs at Table 46? No. Sardi’s, maybe. But not this place.
• Julia recommends Kyle use index cards on a bulletin board to work on his book. Because that always works so well for you, Julia!
• We like Kyle, but he seems unable to make any decision about his material without consulting with Jimmy first. Minus 50 because Andy Mientus deserves better than this.
• Ivy’s never seen Liza before in person? She’s always around the theater district. Come on now!
• Ivy gets upset with Tom, thinking the only reason he invited Liza to meet her was to get good publicity for Bombshell. STFU IVY. WHO CARES?!?! YOU JUST MET LIZA!!!
• Eileen admits to inviting the press to Tom’s “Liza Surprise” because we need all the good press we can get. This then prompts Richard to leave. We get that Eileen is desperate for good press, but she wouldn’t be so stupid to show her cards like that in front of Richard.
• “Is the Bombshell team combusting again?” Michael Riedel asks Eileen, Tom, and Ivy. “I’m starting to run out of puns for my headlines.” Oh come on Riedel. We doubt that’ll ever happen.
• Minus 100 for Eileen not throwing a drink in Michael Riedel’s face.
• As much as we love seeing Liza sing, it’s weird to see her not singing a Kander and Ebb song.
• Also, we love Liza, but there’s no way she would learn all those lyrics that quickly.
• Derek tells Karen he has feelings for her, and she rejects him. Derek doesn’t ask girls out, he takes girls out. Minus 10.
• Ewww Bobby smokes. Minus 50.
• Ivy leaves her keys at Table 46, so Tom walks them to her place. On the way, he happens to walk by the bar where Ivy is having her birthday party. Maybe it’s on the way to her place, but let’s be honest - Tom would have taken a cab to Ivy’s house.
• And to come in RIGHT when they’re singing “Happy Birthday.” No.
• Also, if Tom would have found out about Ivy’s birthday party, it would have been through a Foursquare check-in, Facebook post, or tweet. For a showrunner who came from Gossip Girl - where social media dictated every plot point - it’s kinda crazy that wasn’t at play here.
• Jimmy reveals that Derek told him to stay away from Karen, and that’s why he wanted to keep their relationship secret. This plot point was so stupid, even we forgot about it.
• Karen is angry with Derek, and points out that he pulled the same thing he did with Jimmy, with Dev. Derek shouldn’t be controlling her personal life, but when Derek points out that he helped her get everything he ever wanted, we have to agree with him.
• Kyle makes major changes to the book, making Amanda (Karen) responsible for the Diva’s downfall. And then the whole second act, the Diva plots her revenge and enacts it in the end. Is this a Broadway musical or an episode of Gossip Girl? Minus 100.
• Can we talk about how the Hit List gang have completely retooled the show to please Richard Francis? We said it last week and we’ll say it again: CRITICS DON’T HOLD THAT MUCH WEIGHT OVER THE CREATIVE PROCESS.
• (Unless you are SMASH, in which case, they apparently do).
• Also, this decision to retool Hit List to make it all about the Diva comes on the whims of one compliment Richard Francis made about the Diva character. THAT’S IT.
• Ivy performs “Bittersweet Symphony” while we see a montage of characters doing boring things. This device really should have been left behind in season one.
• Jimmy and Karen decide to go out on a surprise date. Jimmy gives Karen his coat and she finds cocaine in the pocket. Oh come on - he would have snorted that by now.
• Minus 100 because when they used to have parties on this show, Nick Jonas would show up.
• And minus another 100 for still not finding a reason for Jesse L. Martin and Daphne Rubin-Vega to interact.

…. 

So were you as surprised by “The Surprise Party” as we were? And how many of you suckers actually watched live last night? Let us know in the comments!

The SMASH Reality Index Season 2 Episode 9

Back by popular demand, Dave (@NineDaves) and I have teamed up to bring you our take on what’s keepin’ it real and what’s faking it each week on SMASH. Follow the 'caps here or on Dave's site.

Well here it is: the last Tuesday episode of SMASH. From now on, NBC is banishing the show to a Saturday night time slot, where Marilyn and company can die a slow, quiet death. It’s sad, really, for a show that had such promise from that first pilot episode all those plot points ago. But if we’re being honest, the true death moment for SMASH wasn’t when NBC banished the show to Saturdays. It wasn’t Ellis either. Or Uma Thurman. SMASH really died the second they hired Josh Safran as the new showrunner.

Safran had a pretty impossible task ahead of him, sure. But from watching the past nine episodes of season two, it’s pretty clear Safran was not up for the job of fixing the major problems with the show. He couldn’t clean up the cheesy dialogue. He couldn’t fix the bad acting. He couldn’t create truly captivating, dramatic events. Instead, he just introduced this odd personality disorder to the show (and we’re not just talking about Jimmy Collins).

Take tonight’s episode, for example: “The Parents.” Has there been a more disjointed episode all season? On one hand, you have the plot about Jimmy Collins’s past as a drug dealer coming back to haunt him, which felt like it came out of some bad cop show. On the other hand, you’ve got a storyline about Karen’s father trying to figure out who he saw sneaking out of her window, which felt like some bad teen drama. And then there’s Ivy and her mother, Leigh Conroy (Bernadette Peters), bringing back season 1 melodrama realness. With Krysta Rodriguez flying around in a circus number somewhere in the midst of all this. What the hell is going on here? We’re really not sure. But we do our best breaking it down below. So join us on this last Tuesday journey, before The SMASH Reality Index moves to Sundays and we give up our Saturday night social lives for the remainder of the season. Thanks NBC!

Totally True

• This is the second week in the row SMASH has opened with a shot of shirtless Jeremy Jordan. Of all the changes SMASH has been giving us this season, this is by far our favorite. Plus 100.
• Karen’s father shows up at her apartment, unexpected. We’re surprised Karen didn’t just buzz him up without asking who he was!
• Ivy Lynn ignores her mother’s call. Stars! They’re just like us!
• Ivy apparently holds a grudge for her mom not coming to the opening of Liaisons. “She didn’t even send a card!” Plus 50 because Ivy would be pissed about that, but immediately minus that 50 because you know Ivy would be more pissed had her mother actually shown up. Sample dialogue: “You’re trying to ruin my Broadway starring role debut!”
• IT’S TIME FOR OUR FAVORITE FEATURE! THE ANN HARADA LINE OF THE WEEK. “Ivy? Tom and Eileen would like to talk to you right away. In private.” CONGRATS ANN!
• (And because we didn’t have THE ANN HARADA LINE OF THE WEEK last week, here’s another plug to go see Ann in Cinderella on Broadway. She’s going to get a Tony nomination for the role, people. Don’t miss it!)
• Julia is writing an e-mail to Scott while she’s supposed to be working on scenes. The more things change the more they stay the same. “Let it lie,” Tom tells Julia, about the Scott situation. “I think we both know I don’t do that very well,” Julia replies. Plus 10 because at least she’s finally being self-aware.
• When Tom, Julia, and Eileen tell Ivy they’ve cast Marilyn’s mother, Ivy immediately asks “Patti LuPone?” Plus 50 because that’s exactly what Tom said last week, and plus another 50 because that’s our standard answer to any casting call.
• Leigh Conroy tells Ivy she wouldn’t take the role of Marilyn’s mother unless Ivy approves of it. “If you don’t want me here, I will completely understand,” she says. “It’s up to you.” That’s called guilt, people. Straight up mother/child guilt. And godammit she’s good at it.
• The whole cast eavesdrops on Eileen, Tom, Julia, Ivy, and Leigh. We call this “The Ellis Effect” and in this case, it’s pretty great.
• Ivy and Leigh working together is the only reason Bombshell is going to be on the arts cover of the Times. This is totally plausible, but only if Shia LaBeouf is having a slow week.
• Over at Hit List rehearsal, Karen’s dad claps annoyingly when Karen performs. Oh Iowa...
• “What’s gotten into you. You sound happy,” Kyle says to Jimmy. Given that Jimmy’s usually throwing temper tantrums, we get why he’s concerned.
• Tom lies and tells Ivy that it was Eileen’s call to cast Leigh as Marilyn’s mother. We love you Tom, but you are such a weenie.
• It’s the first day of rehearsal and Leigh has already memorized all her lines. Told you she wasn’t spending her time sitting at home, updating her website and writing fan letters...
• Ann Harada’s face while watching this scene between Marilyn and her mother says it all. Ivy and Leigh are terrible in it.
• Ivy and Leigh are rehearsing a tense scene between Marilyn and her estranged mother, Gladys. But because Leigh and Ivy have never addressed the problems in their own relationship, they’re playing the scene like Ivy and her mother are best friends. We have denial about plenty of relationships in our family. We’re pretty sure Megan Hilty and Bernadette Peters grabbed inspiration for this scene from our family Thanksgiving.
• “Why are they being so nice?” Jessica asks, about Leigh and Ivy. “This is boring,” says Bobby. “I want my catfight already.” Plus 10 because we were thinking the same thing.
• “Why isn’t this working?” Tom asks Julia, about Leigh and Ivy. “They’re being so polite, they’re turning Norma Jean and Gladys into The Gilmore Girls.” Plus 50.
• Jimmy doesn’t want anyone to know he slept with Karen. We wouldn’t want anyone to know if we were sleeping with Karen Cartwright either.
• Every time they show the outside of the New York Theatre Workshop or La Mama, an angel gets its wings.
• The simple artwork for Hit List is 100x better than the Bombshell artwork.
• Karen’s dad doesn’t understand why Karen left Bombshell. THAT’S BECAUSE IT’S A DUMB FUCKING DECISION AND IT DOESN’T MAKE SENSE.
• Back at Bombshell rehearsal, Leigh chats with Sam, acting like they’re best friends. If we had a dime for every time a Mom pretended her daughter’s gay best friend was her gay best friend, we’d be millionaires.
• Eileen and Julia decide to go to the fundraiser for the Manhattan Theater Workshop to see the show for which Derek and Karen left Bombshell. Sure, we doubt Eileen and Julia would do something like this THE WEEK BEFORE TECH WHEN THEY’RE STILL WRITING THE DAMN SHOW, but we know every artist likes to secretly check out the competition.
• In order to get stronger performances out of Ivy and Lee, Tom decides to “turn on the drama.” It’s like everything he learned about directing, he learned from watching the Real Housewives.
• Leigh Conroy won a Tony for Anything Goes. So she basically is Patti LuPone.
• Leigh tells everyone that Ivy used to be fat, and they almost cast her as Kurt in The Sound of Music. QUICK GET IVY HER PILLS!
• Ivy tells a story about the time she played Little Red in Into The Woods in summer stock. An Into the Woods mention? Drink!
• (Ivy Lynn would have made a killer Little Red, p.s.).
• “At least the best part of my career is still ahead of me,” Ivy tells Leigh. Ooooh that’s a read gurl!
• Eileen and Julia leave after “Broadway Here I Come” and head right to the bar. We need a drink after we hear Karen sing too.
• Jimmy asks Scott for an advance and Scott wisely points out that there is no money in non-profit theater.
• Julia thinks she can make things up to Scott by bidding on as many items as she can at the silent auction. If you have the money to throw at a problem, why not?
• That “Reach for Me” number may not have been very original, but we have to hand it to Krysta Rodriguez for looking flawless.
• Also, props to songwriter Andrew McMahon.
• Jimmy tried to steal a watch from the coat of someone at the party. He owes his old drug dealer friend $8,000. Derek catches him and gives him the money. He should give us $8,000 for making us sit through this plot line.
• Julia and Scott are flirting. And dammit, Julia looks hot. Finally, one of the promises about this year’s new and improved SMASH (that Debra Messing would look better) came true!
• Karen’s dad is as annoying as she is. Back the hell off. But at least Dylan Baker is a better actor than Katherine McPhee.
• Leigh Conroy sings “Hang the Moon” and it’s flawless. Even Linda, admittedly not the biggest Bernadette Peters fan, has no complaints. Bravo Bernie!
• And bravo Shaiman and Wittman, for yet another beautiful, perfect song.
• Plus 100 for Bernadette Peters wearing her Mama Rose wig from Gypsy.
• Julia cries and so do we. And if Christian Borle were here, we’d be holding his hand too.
• This scene where Karen says goodbye to her dad was shot in the lobby of New York Theatre Workshop. Plus 20 for consistency.
• Karen’s dad says Hit List looks “interesting.” That’s one way to put it.
• In her most dramatic move yet, Ivy tells Tom off for all the emotional pain he’s put her through by casting Leigh. “We’re not friends,” she says, as if she’s on a reality show. “I work for you now and that’s it.” Plus 100 because in every other working relationship in the world - including Broadway - that’s how it should be.
• Jimmy pays off his ex-dealer friend using the money Derek lends him. But he doesn’t leave without taking some cocaine. Because Jimmy Collins is a bad ass.

Oh Hell No! 

• It may look romantic to see Jimmy and Karen all cuddling up in the kitchen. But the Jimmy Collins we know doesn’t cuddle. 
• Can we talk about that ridiculous turquoise-painted wall with the scattering of letters in Karen’s apartment? What is this? Matilda? 
• Because her father is coming up the stairs, Karen tells Jimmy to climb out the window. Sorry, but that shit doesn’t happen in real life. Why couldn’t Karen have just thrown Jimmy in Ana’s room? 
• Also, could Karen be taking any longer with Jimmy? Your father is knocking on the door, Karen. Stop making out! 
• Ivy claims her mom is at home, updating her own website and sending letters to her fans. Sorry, but Leigh Conroy does not know WordPress. 
• Sam’s complaining about being a cover for the Bombshell ensemble. Dude, who’s fault is that? Perhaps you shouldn’t have quit your fucking job starring in the most popular tour out there after a night of drinking. 
• Julia runs her apology email to Scott by Tom one more time. This sort of behavior is what irritates us the most about Julia. It’s like she can’t take a shit without checking to see if everyone’s okay with it first. If she ever thought about killing herself, everyone would know about it because she’d be having them proof her suicide note. Just... minus all the points. 
• Over at Hit List rehearsal, Karen sucks all the mystery and coolness out of “Broadway Here I Come.” Excuse us while we listen to our iTunes version of Jeremy Jordan singing this until this scene ends. We’re still confused about this diva character. Doesn’t Karen’s character become a diva? Then again, why are we questioning this? Nothing about Hit List ever makes sense. 
• The Hit List gang decides to stage a new number for the fundraiser the next day. “Do we even have time to pull this off?” Ana wonders. “Most definitely not,” says Derek. “But that hasn’t stopped me in the past.” NO WONDER ALL YOUR SHIT SUCKS, DEREK! 
• “It might not be Broadway, but it’s right for me,” Karen says, of her decision to leave Bombshell. Yawn. 
• Richard Francis, the fictional Arts Editor of The New York Times, says the only reason he decided to write the piece on Bombshell was to see Eileen. Um... wasn’t it because it was a good story? Because the only reason they cast Leigh Conroy at Marilyn’s mother was to get you to write this story in the first place. So like... is this all really Richard’s fault? 
• Karen’s dad thinks she slept with Derek because Derek wears a leather jacket - just like the guy he saw sneaking out of his daughter’s apartment earlier that morning. Mistaken identity? Why are we suddenly in a Shakespeare comedy? 
• And doesn’t Karen’s dad have a conference to get to? 
• Back at Bombshell rehearsal, Leigh tells everyone she was performing in Anything Goes “the whole time I was pregnant with Ivy.” The whole time, Leigh? That’s one fucked up Reno Sweeney. 
• At the big fundraiser, Jimmy Collins drinks white wine. Please, he’d have a beer. 
• Richard Francis shows up at the fundraiser to see Eileen. Wasn’t he supposed to be at Bombshell rehearsal the day before, taking pictures and working on the story? Isn’t the deadline for the cover story tomorrow? Get to writing, boo! 
• Ana’s song “Reach for Me” looks like one of Arachne’s cut scenes from Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark. It does look cool, but how are they going to pull this off at a non-profit theater? 
• Also, Derek Wills basically went to the Pink tour and stole all her choreography. 
• Jimmy sneaks into the coat check room and goes through the jacket pockets of the guests. In one of them, he finds a gold watch, still in the case. Who in their right mind keeps that in his/her jacket pocket... and then CHECKS the fucking jacket at a coat check? Minus 200. 
• Richard Francis introduced himself to Scott. Wouldn’t they know one another? It’s a small community. Artistic directors and editors of The New York Times arts section tend to at least know one another. 
• Do we really need another Eileen romance? We want to throw a drink in our faces for even watching this shit. 
• Because Richard tells Scott he likes the diva character, Scott decides to put the diva character in the second act, and Derek seemingly agrees. Look, we wish critics had that much power, but they simply don’t. Creatives make creative decisions for the sake of creativity, not critics. 
• Richard gives the Bombshell cover story to another writer so he can date Eileen. “I’ll find something else to write about,” he tells Eileen. Obviously he’s talking about Hit List. GREAT JOB EILEEN.
• “We may need you to open the show,” Ivy tells her mother. “But after that, I’ll never need you again.” Are you sure about that Ivy? She’s your only blood relative. What if you need a kidney or something? 
• Let’s talk about how ridiculous it is that Ivy’s pissed her mother is going to overshadow her in Bombshell. First of all, Marilyn’s mother is in two scenes. Marilyn’s in every scene but one. 
• Plus, didn’t Ivy want Patti LuPone to play the Marilyn’s mother role? Wouldn’t Patti LuPone have overshadowed Ivy more? 
• Leigh sings “Hang the Moon” and it’s beautiful. But it’s supposed to take place in a mental hospital. Yet Tom visualizes it in some weird carnival dance hall. It’s like Derek’s shitty visions all over again.
• Karen’s dad, who apparently can’t stop butting into Karen’s boring ass love life, asks Jimmy if they’d all like to get dinner together when he’s back in town for the Hit List opening. And Jimmy agrees. WHAT THE WHAT?!? THE JIMMY WE KNOW DOESN’T GET DINNER WITH THE PARENTS! 
• Derek hails a cab by whistling and saying “Taxiiiii.” That shit doesn’t happen in real life. 
• Julia is surprised that Scott remembers her drink order from 15 years ago. Um... it’s tea. It’s not that complex. 
• Scott asks Julia to be a dramaturg on Hit List. Um, SMASH, you are fooling no one. SHE NEEDED A DRAMATURG TO FIX BOMBSHELL. How is she going to fix someone else’s show? 
• “You know story,” Scott confidently tells Julia, praising her ability to write. Clearly Scott hasn’t been paying attention to the negative press reports. 
• “Don’t worry,” Jimmy’s drug-dealer friend tells Jimmy. “Your secret’s safe with me!” That’s obviously code for “I’m telling everyone next week!” Barf.

…. 

So what do you think, SMASH Reality Index-ers? Did you want to “Hang the Moon” or “Hang Yourself” after this episode?

The SMASH Reality Index Season 2 Episode 8

If you're looking for this week's SMASH Reality Index, you can find it here on NineDaves.com. He was nice enough to write it while I was at a Passover seder. I was conflicted between choosing SMASH or seder, but a wise man once told me that without our traditions, our lives would be as shaky as a fiddler on the roof.

Three Things Missing From the Les Misérables Blu-Ray Combo Pack

Special Features = More Eddie Redmayne!

Today, the Blu-ray combo pack of Les Misérables was released, which includes a Blu-ray, a DVD, a digital copy, and tons of special features. There are featurettes on the cast singing live, how the battle at the barricade scene was shot, a look at Victor Hugo's novel, and more, as well as feature commentary from director Tom Hooper. There is some fun trivia to be learned. Did you know Hugh Jackman did his one-man show Back on Broadway in part to train for the singing he'd have to do in the film? But I have a few suggestions for special features that would have made the combo pack even better. Maybe on the 10th anniversary edition.

1) Karaoke version: Now I know you can just turn on closed captioning and do it yourself, but it was a missed opportunity to not include a sing-along version. Most Les Misérables fans know the score by heart, obviously, but the cut and changed lyrics (Tom Hooper explains some of these changes on the commentary) can trip us up.

2) Actors' commentary: There is audio commentary from director Tom Hooper, but it would be nice to have another track with the actors. Or at least the boys on the barricade. One of my favorite special features on any DVD is the kids' commentary on The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe. Don't tell me you wouldn't want to hear commentary from the adorable Daniel Huttlestone, who plays Gavroche.

3) Blooper real: I mean, come on.

Hands On A Hardbody Doesn't Play It Safe

Photo credit: Chad Batka

A musical about a contest in which the contestants can't take their hands off a truck. You have to applaud the creative time of Hands on a Hardbody for tackling a subject inherently difficult to musicalize. Though the show is not without its faults, it's a relief to see a musical that doesn't play it safe on Broadway.

Hands on a Hardbody, which opened last night at the Brooks Atkinson Theatre, is based on a 1997 documentary about an endurance competition at a Nissan dealership in Plainview, Texas. The stakes may not seem high, but for the contestants, the truck could mean anything from getting out of the town to supporting a family. Doug Wright's book does a good job of giving us glimpses into the lives of these people, but too much time is spent with the car dealers, who are counting on the publicity to increase sales. It takes away from the momentum of the contest.

The music by Trey Anastasio and Amanda Green is not very memorable (what does it say that while trying to remember songs to write this review, I keep singing, "I really need this truck. Please God I need this truck. I've got to get this truck"?) and the lyrics by Green are often pedestrian. But then there are moments of brilliance, as in the highlight of the show, a number called "Joy of the Lord" in which the cast turns the truck into an instrument (think "Trashing The Camp" in Tarzan). Sergio Trujillo's choreography is inventive in the way contestants are able to move while keeping their hands on the truck, though I could have done without the dream-like moments when contestants take their hands off the truck. It seems like cheating.

The show also benefits from a first-rate cast. Jay Armstrong Johnson (Greg Wilhote), who I've been singing the praises of for years, and Allison Case (Kelli Mangrum) inject some welcome youthful energy and have sweet chemistry in their duet "I'm Gone." Hunter Foster balances confidence and pain as returning champion Benny Perkins. Keith Carradine gives an understated performance as the oldest contestant, JD Drew. And Keala Settle is a welcome discovery as Norma Valverde, whose laughter in one scene infects the characters and the audience. If only that elation wasn't so fleeting.

The SMASH Reality Index Season 2 Episode 7

Fun fact: Ivy wasn't in this scene in the actual episode, so you're kind of seeing a deleted scene. Ooooooh.

Back by popular demand, Dave (@NineDaves) and I have teamed up to bring you our take on what’s keepin’ it real and what’s faking it each week on SMASH. Follow the 'caps here or on Dave's site.

If you can, SMASH fans, set your mind back to last season. We know - the memory can be painful, thinking about those bowling alley/karaoke bar/Times Square musical numbers that came out of nowhere. But don’t think about those. Don’t think about Ellis either. Or Dev. Ignore the pill-popping Ivy Lynn, too. And Rebecca Duvall. Cut through all of that and really think about the central conflict in the show. “Let Me Be Your Star.” Team Ivy vs. Team Karen. It was all about one thing:

“Who should play Marilyn Monroe in the Marilyn Monroe musical?”

That’s it. That’s your central arc. The experienced Ivy Lynn or the novice Karen Cartwright? That’s the question SMASH spent an entire season asking. And, by the last episode, finally answered. Karen was picked to play Marilyn. Game, set, match.

Well, somewhere between the end of season 1 and the beginning of season 2, new showrunner Josh Safran realized Karen was the total wrong decision (duh). And to change that, he and his writing staff spent the past seven episodes erasing all of season 1’s work. The back and forth debates between the creative team? All of Karen’s lamesauce whining and Ivy’s “I just wish I could play Marilyn” pining? Gone. Donezo. No more.

“I’m not your Marilyn,” Karen told Tom. “[Ivy] is.” And then she quit Bombshell. And Tom cast Ivy as Marilyn. And Eileen and Julia celebrated with champagne. And Derek, who fought for Bombshell with Karen as the lead, signed away his work on Bombshell and explained he was “never going back.”

Hope you weren’t too attached!

Don’t get it twisted - it’s not that we don’t like change. We love that SMASH cut back on some of the ridiculousness of season 1. But to totally pretend that the main conflict from season 1 wasn’t even a conflict? Not cool, SMASH. Not cool.

Oh, and if you have a television show that’s a musical drama about the staging of a Broadway musical drama, try putting more than two musical performances in your goddamn episode. And put one in earlier than 40 minutes into the episode, dammit!

Those annoyances, and more, are all here in this week’s SMASH Reality Index. 

Totally True

• Because Karen can’t be in Hit List anymore, she’s replaced by Ana. Plus 20 because they should have replaced Katherine McPhee with Krysta Rodriguez at the start of season 2.
• “We sorta get our own coffee around here,” Blake the lighting designer tells Derek over at Hit List rehearsals. IT’S SO TOUGH DOWNTOWN!
• Kyle hits on Blake, saying, “I will gladly get you coffee any time.” We don’t really blame him. Blake is cute.
• Meanwhile, over at the Bombshell rehearsals, Tom is ordering up a grande mocha chai something or other from his assistant with ease. Plus 50 because we’d serve Christian Borle anything he wanted.
• And over at Liaisons rehearsals, the director is finally giving the actors notes. It’s about time!
• “You’re like the Terry whisperer,” Veanne Cox’s character tells Ivy at rehearsal. Plus 20. Maybe we should start a new feature: the Veanne Cox line of the week?
• Back at Bombshell, annoying Karen is being annoying Karen and arguing with Tom over every one of his directing choices. Plus 10 because she suuuuuuuuucks.
• Bobby and Jessica are gossiping about Tom’s directing mistakes. They’re like a modern day Thomas and O’Brien! #DowntonAbbey
• IT’S TIME FOR THE ANN HARADA LINE OF THE WEEK: “Tom, the new choreographer has a question. Let’s set up for ‘National Pastime’” WE LOVE YOU ANN!
• Bombshell’s had to hire a new choreographer because Derek choreographed the show the first time around and they fear he won’t sign a contract letting them use his original work. Plus 20 because finally a real problem!
• Jerry hates the new choreography. We do too. What is happening, SMASH? We’re agreeing with the villain of the piece? Help!
• Julia thinks the show is fantastic, even though they’re not using the book she likes. Normally we’d balk at how quickly she sold out, but we think this storyline isn’t over. Also, we like that the only reason she seems happy about the show now is because Tom’s the director. That’s sooooooo Julia.
• “Let me be you.” Tom says, jumping up and showing Karen how to be sexy. Plus 100 because even though it’s bad directing, Karen needs the help.
• Plus 100 for the Rent poster in Tom Collins’s Jesse L. Martin’s Scott’s office.
• Scott tells Derek, Kyle, and Jimmy that Hit List is “fresh, young and vibrant but it doesn’t have more of a theme.” Looks like he’s been reading The SMASH Reality Index! We’ve been complaining about that for weeks!
• “If our older members can’t relate to the subject matter, we have a hard time getting them to renew,” Scott tells Kyle, Jimmy, and Derek. “As a non-profit, we need our subscribers around.” This is, unfortunately, true, and the reason Roundabout does so many boring revivals.
• Derek and Jimmy agree on something. It’s technically disagreeing with Kyle, but hey - we’ll take it.
• Derek, Kyle, and Jimmy walk out of the fictional Manhattan Theatre Workshop, which is apparently on the same block as the New York Theatre Workshop. Plus 100 because at least they’re being consistent!
• “Rent had a narrator after it’s workshop and it got to Broadway,” Derek says.
• We didn’t know that, but we’ll believe Derek because we’re too lazy to look it up.
• “I’ve got comps for the opening night of Liaisons,” Derek tells Kyle and Jimmy. “And since that’s a small chamber piece that apparently completely reinvented itself as a big musical without changing a word, I would say it’s mandatory viewing, wouldn’t you?” Plus 100 because we’d totally be there.
• OH HEY WELCOME BACK GRACE GUMMER!
• Sean Hayes is back performing at the Broadway Theatre. Sure, it’s really Terrence Falls in Liaisons, but dammit that’s good enough for us. Who knows - maybe if we watch long enough, he’ll strap on a guitar and start singing “I’ll Never Fall In Love Again” from Promises, Promises. Paging Kristin Chenoweth!
• Karen tells Derek she’s “confused” working on Bombshell now. Plus 10 because we’re confused why she was ever working on Bombshell too.
• “Did you really think you weren’t going to have to rewrite anything?” Karen asks Jimmy, actually making sense. Oh man, first we’re agreeing with Jerry, and now this? Help again!
• “Sometimes the work gets better...” Karen tells Jimmy, referring to rewrites. “And sometimes it doesn’t,” Jimmy responds, referring to SMASH season 2.
• Julia runs into Scott and the sexual chemistry is palpable. Plus 50 because between Scott and Peter, Julia is definitely down with the swirl. We never thought she had it in her!
• “You were never going to leave Broadway for some East Village basement,” Ana tells Karen. Duh Ana. Though... perhaps you can explain why this is a plot point then?
• “I’m sure you were better in it,” Karen tells Ana, of Hit List. “Well that’s true,” Ana responds. Plus 100.
• “Ivy, I’ve been on the boards all day long. BroadwayWorld. All That Chat. TheaterMania,” Terry tells Ivy. We won’t deduct points for the fact that TheaterMania doesn’t have message boards because we love this line so much. And we know actors read the boards even though they say they don’t.
• Terrence then says, “Did you know our show is ‘meh?’ The only thing they seem to like it you!” That’s soooo All That Chat. Plus 50.
• “I wish I could get out of this show,” Ivy confesses to Terrence. “I really hate it. There’s just something better for me out there!” Do you think this is how Norbert Leo Butz felt about Dead Accounts?
• “If we’re going to go down, let’s go down in a blaze of glory,” Ivy tells Terrence. Was this another Rent reference? Or another SMASH reference? Either way, we totally have “One Song Glory” in our heads now.
• Terrence was apparently planning a version of Liaisons “with mirrors” and “sheep” and “full-frontal nudity.” We. Feel. Robbed.
• Heeey Seth Rudetsky! He was also in Bunheads this season too, so if his career as a musician/radio host/writer doesn’t work out, he has a bright future in television.
• Kyle says John Cameron Mitchell is at the Liaisons opening. Plus 100 because Kyle would totally spot Jon Cameron Mitchell out in a crowd. Plus 200 because John Cameron Mitchell would totally be at the Liaisons opening. Plus 300 because we saw John Cameron Mitchell and Andy Mientus IRL at the Ragtime concert a few weeks back. And Plus 400 because we just love John Cameron Mitchell and damn we want a Hedwig revival.
• Jerry kept press clippings from Carousel, the first show he and Eileen, which is actually sweet. We like that they’ve been giving Jerry multiple dimensions this season. They should try that with more of their characters.
• We’re pretty sure this is really the lobby of The Broadway Theatre. Plus 50 for authenticity.
• “Ce N’Est Pas Ma Faute (It’s Not My Fault)” feels like a cut number from Nice Work If You Can Get It. It’s not our favorite Shaiman and Wittman number from SMASH, but we’ve definitely seen worse than this on Broadway. And at least it’s entertaining.
• Tom and Ivy make references to Irene Dunne in The Awful Truth because they are both SO GAY.
• Karen gets jealous of Ivy and Tom, and quits Bombshell. That sound you hear are the angels singing.
• Derek says that they are putting on Hit List in a space not much larger than his bathroom. Remember how huge his apartment is? That’s probably true.
• Grace Gummer is acting her face off. “I’m her daughter,” she tells Jerry. “You hurt us both for the last time.” THAT’S STREEP REALNESS.
• Terry’s understudy will finish the week and Liaisons is closing on Sunday. Kind of reminds of when Christian Hoff had to leave Pal Joey due to a “foot injury” and was replaced by his understudy. That show didn’t close in less than a week, but it should have. Also, another SMASH Reality Index prediction comes true! Check!
• Aaand Tom agrees to put Marilyn’s mother back in the show. Check again!
• And Ivy’s playing Marilyn. Check again, again!
• Now that Karen is back in Hit List, Ana won’t be playing the lead. “Oh great. The sister. Again,” she gripes. Plus 100 because this is really Krysta Rodriguez complaining about The Addams Family.

Oh Hell No! 

• At the beginning of the episode, we hear the end of another Hit List song and it sounds laaaame.
• Seconds into Derek’s break at Hit List rehearsals, the theater is filled with young kids, ready for some children’s theater performance. We get the joke, showing angry Derek surrounded by annoying kids, but there’s no way the rehearsal space would turn over that quickly. 
• At Bombshell rehearsals, Tom gives Karen a line reading which YOU NEVER DO as a director. Are you new here? 
• In an effort to change Derek’s choreography, the new unnamed choreographer stages “The National Pastime” as a tap number. Apparently the new choreographer is Kathleen Marshall. Minus 50. 
• Also, remember how much better Ivy was in this number? Minus another 50. 
• “Maybe you’d see it more if I wasn’t jumping up and down the whole time,” Karen says about why she can’t get the come hither look. The choreography does suck, but don’t blame the choreography for the fact that you’re not sexy, Karen. 
• Scott is talking about an upstairs and a downstairs at the Manhattan Theatre Workshop, but it’s based on New York Theatre Workshop, which just has one theater space. Minus 10. 
• “Ana is good,” Jimmy tells Derek, “but she doesn’t have what Karen has.” Is it gonorrhea? It has to be gonorrhea, right? (Minus 100) 
• “I’m a director so I think this is exactly how it should go,” Derek barks at Jimmy and Kyle. We get that he’s a boss, arrogant prick of a director but seriously - give the guy some plausible fucking dialogue here. 
• There is a performance of Liaisons, but we don’t understand what is happening here. Derek said earlier that he was going to opening night that night at 7pm. But this can’t be that performance because Derek isn’t there. Is this an invited dress? Or a rehearsal? If so, why are there people with Playbills? It could be a preview performance. But weren’t they just in tech the other day? And if this a preview, is it a matinee? On the same day as opening? That doesn’t seem right... 
• The audience hates Liaisons and the cast seems totally surprised. Maybe if they had some fucking preview performances, they wouldn’t be so shocked here... 
• “It’s not bad,” Karen tells Derek, of the new direction Bombshell is going in. “It’s just not you.” Minus 50 because BARF. 
• “It wouldn’t be confusing if you left with me,” Derek tells Karen when she talks to him about Bombshell. “Gwen would have bailed if Fosse quit.” After Derek worked so hard to get her there, why would he be trying to convince her to leave? We get that she’s his muse or whatever, but it is totally unprofessional of him to try and get her to break her contract on her first Broadway show. 
• Eileen wants Julia and Tom to threaten to leave Bombshell, saying that’s the only way they can gain control of the show back from Jerry. And apparently Jerry didn’t sign the new choreographer contract because he wants Derek back. Could these plots be more ridiculous?
• “The song about fame and what people do to get it doesn’t do that?” Jimmy asks Kyle when he asks for a song about fame. Kind of funny, but wouldn’t Kyle know they already have a song about that.
• Karen shows up in Greenpoint again, uninvited with a new boring hairdo. She’s like Vanessa from Gossip Girl all over again. 
• Karen tells Jimmy the theme of Hit List is “changing who you are” and “reinvention.” “That’s not universal,” Jimmy snarkily replies, “because people don’t really do that.” He’s referring to the fact that Karen hasn’t changed her mind yet. But STFU Jimmy - STOP MAKING US HATE YOU.
• “If I fail it’s right back to regional theater. The last artistic director only lasted a year,” Scott tells Derek. There may be some truth in this, but some artistic directors stick around for longer than they should.
• Julia shows up at the restaurant where Derek is meeting with Scott to get Derek to sign the contract, releasing his choreography. She complains that he wasn’t answering his phone, so she had to see him in person. TV shows do this all the time and it’s soooo fucking annoying. Think about it. How did Julia know where Derek was? He doesn’t have an assistant. And she was apparently surprised to see Scott, so she couldn’t have gone through him to find them. Did Derek check in on Foursquare? Did he Instagram his lunch with locations enabled? NONE OF IT MAKES SENSE. 
• Derek sniffs out that Julia is unhappy that Tom’s cut the bit about Marilyn’s mother. But we all know Marilyn’s mother is coming back into the story because there are two songs by Bernadette Peters on the Bombshell “Original Cast Recording” NBC released two months ago. Minus 100 because SPOILER ALERT. 
• Julia acts surprised that Derek knows what’s going on in Bombshell rehearsals. “I have my spies,” he tells her. OBVIOUSLY IT’S KAREN, JULIA. ARE YOU REALLY THAT DENSE? 
• “I’ve never done this before. I’m still learning,” Tom says, bringing Karen flowers to apologize. Obviously. Would a director really go to an actress’s apartment to personally deliver flowers to her
• Tom wants to bring Karen to the Liaisons opening and tells her that Ivy will be ok with it. While Tom needs to play nice with Karen, we think he cares too much about Ivy to risk ruining her opening night like that. 
• “I don’t know what this show is anymore,” Ivy says, of Liaisons. “I guess we didn’t have enough time to fix it.” NO SHIT IVY - IT’S BEEN THREE EPISODES AND YOU DIDN’T EVEN SEEM TO HAVE A PREVIEW PERIOD. 
• Seth Rudetsky has a tape recorder and he’s interviewing Karen and Tom about Bombshell. Although Seth does some writing for Playbill now and again, it’s not like he’s an investigative reporter. Was Michael Riedel busy? 
• And even if Seth were an investigative reporter, he wouldn’t be doing that shit in the lobby. That’s what press lines are for. 
• How did Derek get enough comps for him and Jimmy and Kyle? It’s called a plus one and Jimmy and Kyle don’t count as one person. 
• Julia finds out that Eileen got the rights to material from Marilyn’s early life, such as journals, which Julia used. This is going to be the loophole that gets her back the show, but we’re having trouble caring. 
• Derek tells Jimmy and Kyle that Karen fits into the opening night scene because “she’s a star” and BARF. 
• “I’m not going to lie,” Jerry tells Derek and Karen. “Seeing the two of you together makes my heart beat faster.” BARF AGAIN. 
• Derek calls Karen “One of the brightest young actresses around.” BARF FOR THE THIRD TIME.
• YOU ARE MAKING US BULIMIC, SMASH. 
• Derek and Tom fight about... oh god, we don’t even care anymore. Minus everything. 
• The usher tells the gang they need to take their seats for the show. And then the lights flicker for the first time. Come on, SMASH. Are you even trying here? 
• 40 minutes into this episode of SMASH, and we finally have our first musical number. Minus 500 because this show is supposed to be a musical, right?
• Are we supposed to believe Terrence Falls and the cast of Liaisons are improvising this number? No.
• SMASH has definitely done “disastrous musical numbers” better before. Give us “The Higher You Get The Farther You Fall” over this anyday!
• Seriously, could they have at least put Sean Hayes and Debra Messing in the same scene at the Liaisons opening? Everyone else found an excuse to be there.
• “Call my psychiatrist,” Terrence Falls says at the end of his number. More like, “call my agent,” Sean Hayes.
• That’s not the Broadway Theatre stage door. Minus 10 because they were doing soooo well up until that part!
• “Is the show going to close?” Karen asks Tom as soon as the show ends, not even waiting until the reviews come out. She’s worse than the vultures on the boards.
• “We tried,” Karen tells Tom before she quits Bombshell. They tried for like 5 minutes. You’re going to give up a starring role on Broadway that easily, Iowa?
• Nice subtle billboard for The Voice, NBC.
• “Ever since you left and ever since I left you,” Karen tells Derek, Jimmy, and Kyle, “I haven’t felt right.” IT WAS LAST EPISODE, KAREN.
• “Did you really just give up a Broadway show for us?” Kyle asks Karen. “I guess I did,” Karen optimistically says. AND THE WHOLE WORLD PUNCHES THEMSELVES IN THE FACE.
• Eileen, her daughter, and Julia tell Jerry to sign show over to Eileen because blah blah blah we stopped listening.
• Eileen leaves without throwing a drink in Jerry’s face. She had a martini right in front of her. Minus 100.
• We love Pasek and Paul, but it’s kind of hard to judge the song “Rewrite This Story” that Jimmy and Karen are performing for Scott because we can’t really put it in context. Kyle tells us the show is about transformation, but what exactly is happening in this scene? Other than bad direction.
• And we brought this up last week, but it’s worth repeating. We’ve been told of Derek’s brilliance, but everything they’ve shown us just proves to us that he’s an awful director. Those projections? So cheesy. Like 2009 Guys and Dolls revival cheesy.
• And minus everything for this whole Jimmy and Derek fighting over Karen thing. We’d even take the “Who will be Marilyn?” drama over this. Derek, why don’t you just let Jimmy have Karen and finally hook up with Tom?  

…. 

So, did we miss anything? Are you as annoyed by Derek's direction as we are? Does anyone else miss season 1? Let us know in the comments.

Contest: Win Tickets to The Memory Show

Update: The contest is now closed. The winner was picked at random. Congratulations Brad Buchholtz!

I've been a fan of Transport Group Theatre Company since I saw its site-specific The Boys in The Band, so I'm excited to give away a pair of tickets to the company's new musical The Memory Show. This two-hander about a daughter who comes home to care for her mother who has just been diagnosed with Alzheimer's was written by Sara Cooper (book and lyrics) and Zach Redler (music). It stars Catherine Cox (Baby, Footloose) and Leslie Kritzer (Sondheim on Sondheim, A Catered Affair).

To go with the memory theme, in order to win a pair of tickets* to see the show, leave a comment on this post telling me your favorite theater memory. For an extra entry, tweet about the contest or retweet one of my tweets about it. You must be following on Twitter for the extra entry. A winner will be chosen at random from all the entries on Friday, March 22, at 5:30 p.m. Please include your e-mail address or Twitter handle in the comments so I have a way to contact you if you win. Good luck!

*Winner will receive a voucher redeemable for two tickets to a performance through May 18, 2013. Blackout dates and other restrictions may apply.

If you don't win tickets, you can still see the show at a great deal:
EARLY BIRD OFFER (April 16-28 perfromances): $35 tickets – use code TMSRR1
OFFER #2 (May 1-18 performances): $45.50 tickets – use code TMSRR3

TO REDEEM:
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Q&A with Kaitlin Colombo

Kaitlin Colombo is 26, but she's been working as a comic and writer for 13 years. Her new play, The Choking Game, is part of IRT's 3B development series. IRT is a theater for the development of new work. The Choking Game is about Natalie and Matt, a suburban 18-year-old couple with an amateur Internet sex show. The press release describes it as "Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf for the YouTube generation." Colombo also stars in the show opposite John Zdrojeski.

Q: It says on your bio that you got started as a comic at the age of 13. How did you get started? 
Colombo: I'm the daughter of a gay man and a lesbian (I'm a friggin' Dateline special!), so standup seemed... logical. When I was 13, my Big Gay Dad and I moved to Los Angeles from Long Island. I was an awkward tween (puberty hit me like tanker truck) but I wanted to be on stage. In trying to find afterschool activities for me, I stumbled upon a teen stand up comedy group. My first show was at the world-famous Hollywood Improv and I was hooked. Stand up is the perfect combination of performing and writing for yourself. At the suggestion of the Improv's owner, Budd Friedman, I broke away from the group (I'm an only child and I don't play well with others). I went on to become the youngest person to ever play the mainstage of the Hollywood Improv. So essentially, I grew up in comedy clubs. My friends were at sleepovers, having pillow fights, I was sitting at the bar of the Improv getting hit on by Jay Mohr. Since then, I've appeared on Last Comic Standing (voted online fan favorite), did comedic commentary for E!, did a terrible reality show with Andy Dick on MTV, and had a development deal with FOX when I was 17. And that's all my name dropping for the day.

Q: Who are your comedy/writing inspirations? 
Colombo: My comedy inspiration is George Carlin. I was nearly expelled from my kindergarten class because, for show and tell, I sang "The Seven Words You Can't Say On Television" to the tune of "It's A Small World After All." However, the piece of writing that did nothing short of change my life was Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf? I read the play for a 7th grade book report and the musicality of the language coupled with the brute force of the subject matter was the most exciting thing I had ever encountered. I have many dog-eared copies of that play in my apartment and will still scream "I don't bray!" when out drunk with my friends in Hell's Kitchen.

Q: When did you first start writing The Choking Game? What was your initial inspiration? 
Colombo: It took about a year for me to finish The Choking Game. It was an arduous process. It's a very dark play and it's a hard world to live in and obsess over as a writer. I have the stress-related ulcer to prove it! I was the culmination of a very difficult period of time in my life: my manager and surrogate mother figure, Caresse Henry, committed suicide in 2010. It sent me into a bit of a spiral and I knew I could have either gone to therapy, done a lot of hard drugs or written this play. Writing this play was the cheapest.

Q: Why should audiences come see The Choking Game? 
Colombo: It's a scary play. There are moments where it's very funny and very touching but ultimately, when I was writing it, I was trying to see if I could create a contained thriller on stage, in the vein of Rear Window or Paranormal Activity. The play takes place during an amateur internet pornography show so everything that the on-stage webcam sees is projected onto a giant screen over the stage. The live audience will always see what the "webcam audience" would see. It happens in real time, 90 minutes with no intermission. So when that curtain goes up, there's nowhere to hide. It's a play about sex and violence. It's challenging, venomous and devastating, with an ending no one will see coming.

Q: Are you hoping to appeal to a young audience with this play? Do you have any ideas for how to get young people to the theater? 
Colombo: I definitely want to appeal to a young audience with this play. I'm 26 and I've lived in New York for about 5 years. I try to see as much theater as I can and I'm always struck by how little the next generation of playwrights seems to be supported or represented. There are hundreds of revivals and plays based on movies. This isn't new for Broadway but it's now permeated the off-Broadway scene. Where do we go if off-Broadway is no longer experimental? With the cost of theater space constantly climbing and resources rapidly dwindling, producing quality theater is extremely difficult if you don't have an actor from Glee in your cast (on a side note, it's why I am so incredibly grateful to the folks at IRT. They are the only people out there at this level who give you their complete support but don't try to constantly pick at and meddle with your work unlike some places I've been to). Unfortunately, if there's no new work, there won't be new audiences. My generation has been raised on the reality television and MTV and Facebook. This hasn't shortened our attention span as much as it has increased our ability to process information and move onto the next thing. We're so much more intelligent and receptive than we're given credit for and our theatre needs to reflect that.

Q: If you could invite anyone to see your show and they had to say yes, who would it be? 
Colombo: Edward Albee. Let's bring this full circle.

The show runs at the IRT Theater from March 19 through the 23. For tickets, RSVP to ChokingGameThr@aol.com or visit www.thechokinggame.net.

The SMASH Reality Index Season 2 Episode 6

Back by popular demand, Dave (@NineDaves) and I have teamed up to bring you our take on what’s keepin’ it real and what’s faking it each week on SMASH. Follow the 'caps here or on Dave's site.

In the previews for next week’s episode of SMASH, we’re told to expect “the moment no one saw coming.” “The moment everyone saw coming” would probably be more accurate, as everything SMASH has done for two seasons now has been entirely predictable. Why, last week, we closed our column laying out the future of SMASH down to the finale. And wouldn’t you know it - in one episode, most of those things have already happened. Tom’s directing Bombshell. Derek’s over on Hit List. And it looks like by next, Karen will be over to Hit List and Ivy will be making her way back to Bombshell. Snooze.

But rather than dwell on the future, we should probably talk a little bit about the present. And that means Episode 6 - “The Fringe.” If you remember, episode 5 left us with a cliffhanger that kept us up every night this week (aka we forgot about it until the first scene). Remember, Eileen had to choose which Bombshell book the show would go with: an older version which Tom and Jerry (he he, Tom and Jerry) loved, and a new version Julia wrote with Peter that she and Derek loved. What did she go with? Julia’s old version! Much to Julia and Derek’s disappointment. And, quite frankly, ours. Though... why are we worrying about this so much? We’re never given the chance to see book scenes. This conflict makes absolutely no impact on the viewing audience because we’re never given the chance to see the material in question. It’s impossible to judge. 

Here’s something we can judge though: Hit List. This week, the show goes up at Fringe and we’re finally given a look at its generic staging. We’re also shown a new song or two - one, “Heart Shaped Wreckage,” that involves a boring duet between Karen and Jimmy that ends in a boring kiss. Look, we’re happy that SMASH is giving exposure to so many young songwriters. But there are like, 20 songwriters writing Jimmy Collins’s music. Joe Iconis, Pasek and Paul, and now four new new writers this week: Julian Emery, Jonathan Green, James Irvin, and Lucie Silvas. Say what you will about Bombshell, but at least there is one composing team (Shaiman and Whitman) writing all the music. Hit List might benefit from some consistency here. 

What else would we like to see? We’ll let you know below.

Totally True

• Julia says the previous book to Bombshell she wrote with Peter is “the best thing I’ve ever written.” That’s probably true. Three on a Match and Heaven on Earth don’t exactly look like they have complex plot points.
• Derek admits he only let Eilleen have the final say on which book they choose because he thought she’d choose his side. Plus 20 ‘cause we’d do the same thing.
• "It's for tourists. It isn't art," Julia says at rehearsal. A show can be both, but this is definitely something New York theater types think.
• “We might have to cut something to make room for this number,” Jerry says. “It’s a lot music.” Plus 30 because we have the Bombshell “cast recording” and there are so many songs in it, we’d guess even Shaiman and Whitman feel the same way.
• A stage manager tells Jimmy Collins and company that there is a performance upstairs and they need to shut the fuck up. Plus 50. Also, a stage manager who isn't Linda? We miss Ann Harada, but yes, there are other stage managers out there.
• “Dude, it’s Broadway,” Ana tells Kyle when he complains about Karen leaving for Bombshell rehearsal. “It doesn’t work like that. There’s millions of dollars at stake. You can’t just take off.” Plus 100 because it’s like Krysta Rodriguez was writing the ‘Reality Index’ for us.
• Ivy lies about Terry Falls in the elevator because obviously she wants Karen to think she's better off not being in Bombshell.
• "Never Give All The Heart" is not the best ballad from Bombshell. We wouldn’t be that sad to see it go. Just don’t take away “They Just Keep Moving The Line.”
• Julia gets pissed that Eileen keeps agreeing with Jerry. For once, we’re on Julia’s side. It’s annoying. GET THAT WOMAN A MARTINI!
• Derek is jealous that they’re moving forward with Hit List without him. Plus 50 because that’s the ego we’re used to seeing in Derek!
• "I have the right to approve any other show while you're in my show. That's in your contract," Jerry tells Karen when he finds out about Hit List. Finally, someone putting her in her place.
• “If you want to go, go,” Jerry tells Karen. “But don’t bother coming back.” “GOOOOO,” the world collectively screams at their televisions.
• Plus 100 for Jeremy Jordan PSAs.
• When Karen bails out on Hit List, they’re forced to find a last minute replacement. “Whoever does the part can hold the music,” Ana claims. “It’s Fringe.” Apparently it’s like Encores! But even at Encores! they barely look at the music anymore.
• Ivy Lynn and Derek have a conversation on the table and chairs outside the Flatiron Building. Plus 100 because unlike Times Square, people actually sit and talk on those.
• “How am I supposed to be good working opposite a lunatic?” Ivy asks Derek. She’s talking about Terrence but we’re pretty sure this is another subtle dig at Theresa Rebeck.
• Peter tells Julia to leave Bombshell and go with him to work on a production in London. Julia claims she can’t go because of Leo. “Bring him,” Peter says. “Leave him there,” says everyone.
• “He’s like the Incredible Hulk,” Ana says to Karen, of Jimmy. “One little thing and he’s ripping through his shirt.” Plus 50 because that’s the best description of Jimmy we’ve heard yet. Plus another 50 because we can’t wait till Jeremy Jordan’s shirt comes off.
• OH WELCOME BACK CONDOLA RASHAD!
• Ellis’s ex-girlfriend says he was a psychopath and also gay, finally figuring out what everyone else picked up on from season 1 episode 1. But we’ve all been in denial about guys we’ve dated, right?
• “Oh hey somebody tweeted about us,” Kyle says. It was probably us.
• People are hate-tweeting about Hit List. Plus 200 because we love when the SMASH writers reference what’s happening to their show in the real world.
• Jimmy complains that there’s no heat in the theater. We’ve been to the summer Fringe and they never have air conditioning in the theater.
• SpotCo shout out! Plus 100!
• Derek is annoyed that Tom is directing Karen. As he should be. He’s the director.
• Derek says that Tom is commandeering his show and it’s like he’s Norrington from Pirates of the Caribbean again.
• Derek quits Bombshell, and his goodbye speech is everything we wanted it to be and more: “Julia, I’m sorry. I tried to make the show we wanted. Oh, and Jerry, you truly are what is wrong with American theater. And Eileen, you are smarter, classier, and better than your producing partner, and if I were you, I wouldn’t agree with a single decision he makes from here on. Oh, ladies and gentleman. Tom, oh Tom, we’ve got a long history, haven’t we? And I’m not sorry to say it ends today. You want to direct this show so much, well now’s your chance, because I’m done. Thank you. It’s been a pleasure working with you. Some more than others. I quit.” Plus everything.
• Karen Cartwright goes after Derek.
• We finally get to see Ivy Lynn singing a song from Liaisons (“A Letter From Cecile”) and it’s just as amazing as we expected it to be.
• Seriously. All the awards to Shaiman and Whitman for this “Letter From Cecile” song. Week after week, they knock it out of the park. “I see a nomination in your future,” a reporter tells Ivy. We’d probably say the same thing if we were sitting there.
• Julia and Tom eat when they’re depressed. “Stars” - they’re just like us!
• Plus 100 for bringing up Rebecca Duvall. Any chance we can shit on Uma Thurman, we’re happy.
• “Can you come to Chinatown?” Tom asks Eileen. Sure she can Tom! Eileen loves downtown!
• Hit List looks like a show that fan girls everywhere are going to love the shit out of. Mostly because it stars a hot boy.
• The cast of Liaisons finally tell Terrance the truth, and they all agree to make changes to the show before tech. “I’ve never been so embarrassed by my work before,” says Veanne Cox’s character. “And I was in Urban Cowboy.” Plus 500, even though Veanne Cox wasn’t.
• OH HEEEEY JESSE L. MARTIN!
• We love that Jesse L. Martin is playing the Artistic Director of a fake organization based on New York Theater Workshop, where he starred in Rent. It’s such a full circle moment.
• Tom does the choreography for Bombshell around his apartment when he thinks no one is watching. We’ve been there.
• Just because she wasn’t in this week’s episode, doesn’t mean we still can’t have our favorite feature, THE ANN HARADA LINE OF THE WEEK! “Hey bitches, I’m slaying in Cinderella right now. Come see me on Broadway.” CONGRATULATIONS ANN! )

Oh Hell No! 

• The Hit List gang signed up for this “Winter Fringe Festival” with only two weeks to go. The “Winter Fringe Festival” may be fake, but we highly doubt they’d let a show in that close to performances. 
• "It's the Fringe. You get two days and a shoebox," Ana says. “Sometimes it’s a disaster, sometimes you break out.“ Having seen many Fringe shows, the ‘two days and a shoebox’ thing is definitely right on. But name one show besides Urinetown that’d you consider a “break out?” Yeah... 
• The Hit List gang sing a new song called “This Will Be Our Year” while they clean the theater. Minus 30 for it not being “All Over the World” from Xanadu. 
• Kyle complains that Karen has to go to Bombshell rehearsal. We get that he cares about Hit List, but kid - be a little gracious here. 
• Karen tells Derek that they don’t have a director for Hit List. They’re just “throwing up” the first act. Even Fringe shows have directors. 
• Okay, now they’re using the Flatiron Building ELEVATOR BANK as the fucking rehearsal building!?!? Plus 10 for staying consistent with their other choices, we guess, but Minus 20 because THOSE ARE PUBLISHING OFFICES. 
• And for christ’s sake, CAN KAREN CARTWRIGHT TAKE AN ELEVATOR WITHOUT IVY LYNN BEING THERE!??! ARE THERE NO MORE ELEVATORS IN THE WORLD?!?! 
• “Ever since I went off my meds I feel amazing,” Terrence tells Ivy. “I got certified in archery, I learned French, I got arrested!” Minus 100 because a huge celebrity going off his meds and getting arrested would be a bigger deal. 
• Jerry says that there are too many ballads in Bombshell. You can never have too many ballads! Right, Ragtime fans? 
• The Winter Fringe Festival is on the cover of Time Out New York. Again, no such thing as the Winter Fringe. And the only time theater gets front page coverage on Time Out New York is when Broadway stars are photographed in “winter bars.” 
• Jerry claims that “Bombshell’s entire marketing campaign is centered around introducing Karen Cartwright.” Minus everything because that’s the worst campaign ever. 
• Derek complains that he and Karen are both “stuck” at Bombshell. Like, two weeks ago weren’t you both complaining about the show not going to Broadway? Jeeze... 
• “Your career is more important than your friends,” Jimmy tells Karen. Like, two episodes ago he was ignoring her and now they’re friends? 
• Jimmy is throwing another temper tantrum because Karen can’t do his show and it’s getting old. 
• Peter is flying to London to work on a show at the Royal Court and asks Julia to come with him. Isn’t that a little highbrow for Julia? 
• Minus 10 for not telling us who starred in Jerry’s She Loves Me revival and minus another 10 because it’s been too long since She Loves Me has been on Broadway and isn’t it time someone revived it for real?
• “That song is too intellectual,” Jerry complains, referring to “Never Give All The Heart.” “I like songs that make me feel something.” Who is he? Clearly this is why Jerry produces She Loves Me and not Sondheim. I mean, who is he? Jerry Herman? 
• Tom refers to “Never Give All The Heart” as “the emotional core of the show.” We would have picked “Second Hand White Baby Grand.” 
• Jeremy Jordan gets pissed off at the bad reviews of Hit List, and storms out of the room, claiming he won’t do the next show. The “Hulk” Ana referred to earlier is here and apparently he’s only rolling a joint and going to get high. Meh. 
• Julia wants to go to London because she’s not getting her way, and Tom is forced to sit and explain to her the definition of collaboration. Minus 50 because is this a rerun?
• “It’s not like we’ve got the problems Wicked had and look what happened,” Tom tells Julia. “Nine years later it’s still one of the highest grossing shows on Broadway.” We’re not sure if Wicked’s problems can be compared with Bombshell’s, and besides, most troubled shows do not have those kinds of grosses. 
• The rehearsal press preview for Liaisons seems a little soon for us. But even if it weren’t, they for sure wouldn’t be rehearsing in full costume here.
• Instead of rewriting “Never Give All The Heart,” Tom re-stages it and makes Karen sing the song to the men in her life. No longer a cautionary tale, the song becomes an explanation as to why Karen holds herself back from all her men. He claims he got the idea from Julia’s version of the book. Okay, first of all, minus 200 because this is a terrible restaging of what was a great number. And OF COURSE Julia is too stupid to see that and agrees with Tom. 
• “How many Best Director Tonys have you got?” Derek asks Tom. How many do you have, Derek? We’re super curious! 
• Karen not only leaves rehearsal to run after Derek, but then gets in a cab to presumably go to the Fringe rehearsal. Girl, you have to at least tell Linda the stage manager where you’re going. 
• Minus 1,000 for that Time Out New York ad at the subway station. Because no way could they afford that. We know because we’ve never paid for a subscription to Time Out New York, but we still get it every week. Even Linda’s parents in California have a free subscription.  

• Jealous that the critics like Ivy Lynn, Terrence cuts Ivy’s song. “I’m the lead of the show,” he tells her. “So If I’m not the funniest in the show, they’ll be disappointed. It’s just one of the great burdens of being a celebrity. I have to be the best all the time. You can be funny, just not as funny.” Minus 100 because once again, SMASH paints celebrities like they’re all bumbling egomaniacal idiots. Minus another 100 because even if Terry felt that way, he would never say that out loud in a room full of critics. And minus another 100 because Megan Mullally probably wanted to say that on the set of Will & Grace each week and never did. 
• And are they really going to have Sean Hayes on this show and not have him interact at all with Debra Messing? Minus your life. 
• “The only place I wanted to be... the only person I wanted to be with was you,” Karen tells Jimmy, as if she is the star of a romantic comedy. Gag.
• Ivy tells Terry that he’s terrible in the show. In turn, he gives her back her song and praises her for her honesty. “You reach a certain level of fame and everyone just says yes all the time and no one tells you the truth,” he marvels. Um... didn’t Ivy tell you the truth last week? And then you went off your meds and acted like a bigger jerk? 
• And why does this Terry have total creative control over the show again? That shit would never go down. 
• Tom is excited about the fact that Derek has left Bombshell. “Think about all the problems we have,” he says. “It all goes back to him.” Apparently Tom is forgetting about Julia’s awful book that we just spent five episodes trying to fix. 
• Derek goes to the Hit List Fringe performance and is so inspired by what he’s hearing, he starts envisioning what the number would look like staged on a big Broadway stage. To the surprise of no one, Derek’s Hit List looks awful. Karen has a bad wig on and an ugly flowy gown with a wind machine, and is singing in front of a Pepsi-Cola billboard. It’s like a bad '90s soda commercial starring Celine Dion. What is even happening in this scene? 
• Question: was this Hit List scene supposed to take place in front of a Pepsi-Cola billboard? Or were they just too lazy to paint the backdrop? 
• Karen Cartwright with bangs. Minus 100. 
• Wasn’t Hit List supposed to be sold out? The theater is half empty. Which is typical for any Fringe performance, but still. And why is everyone standing in the back? There are plenty of empty seats, guys! 
• Terry is standing in front of the Liaisons cast asking for their opinions on the night before tech. Shouldn’t they be getting notes from the director or something? 
• Jesse L. Martin’s character says he works for the Manhattan Theatre Workshop. Did you mean New York Theatre Workshop? 
• There are way more people hanging out in the lobby of Hit List than were at the actual show. And it’s not just the cast. 
• Also, Jesse L. Martin’s character was not in the audience at Hit List. We paused that shit and boy was nowhere to be found. 
• Eileen finally learns how Jerry got control of Bombshell and in the least shocking twist of all time, makes Tom the director. How, again, does she do that when she’s not the producer anymore?

…. 

Miss anything? Let's break this shit down in the comments.