The SMASH Reality Index Season 2 Episode 3

Back by popular demand, Dave (@NineDaves) and I have teamed up to bring you our take on what’s keepin’ it real and what’s faking it each week on SMASH. Follow the 'caps here or on Dave's site.

There’s this very famous episode of Law and Order: Criminal Intent that’s become a cult favorite of theater fans everywhere. The plot centers around the murder of a Broadway actor, and everyone’s a suspect. The director. The understudy. The composer. The producer. You get the picture. In the end, it turns out it’s the dramaturg who did it. The sneaky, meddling, researcher was apparently trying to get a payout for the lead actor’s death. For shame!

So when SMASH decided to call this week’s episode “The Dramaturg,” we were immediately convinced bad things were afoot. Surprisingly though, the dramaturg in this case only led to positive changes for our show within a show. Peter Gilman (played by the delicious Daniel Sunjata) tore through Julia (Debra Messing) and her pathetic Bombshell book. And wouldn’t you know it – everything he said was “Totally True.”

Peter basically claimed that Bombshell was all song, no book – something we’ve been bitching about since the beginning. (Seriously, did the guy read The SMASH Reality Index or what?) The same thing seemed destined to happen with Hit List – the new show within a show by newcomers Jimmy Collins (Jeremy Jordan) and Kyle Bishop (Andy Mientus). We were worried we may never get to see a competent book writer portrayed on SMASH. Lucky for us, by the episode’s end, not only did we get to see a skeleton of the Hit List plot, but it appears Peter has finally lit a spark under Julia’s lazy ass. Once again, the dramaturg did it – but this time, that’s actually a good thing. 

Here’s how the rest of the episode broke down, Reality Index-wise.

Totally True

• We can’t tell what’s more '90s about Karen Cartwright’s “Good for You” fantasy. The crowd-surfing? The cutoff shirt? The red chunky hair extensions? Plus 100 because that’s what a girl from Iowa would imagine Rock 'n’ Roll looks like.
• Plus 5 for this being a Drew Gasparini song though!
• Eileen wants a “fresh eye” on Bombshell’s book, and suggests the aid of a dramaturg. “It’s a very common practice these days,” she tells Julia and Tom. “Most of the big shows use one to retool the book.” That’s totally true, Eileen. Pulling a “show doctor” in before Broadway is a common tool used by many a show. cough cough Leap of Faith cough cough Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark cough cough
• Julia thinks she can address the problems with the book by simply reordering the scenes. That’s soooo Julia. (Also, can you guys imagine how bad that book to Heaven on Earth is? Yeek.)
• Ivy Lynn does her best Kristen Chenoweth impression during her audition for the ensemble of Liasons.
• OH HEEEYY BROADWAY SUPERSTAR CASTING DIRECTOR BERNIE TELSEY AS BROADWAY SUPERSTAR CASTING DIRECTOR BERNIE TELSEY! PLUS 50!
• “Every actress in town wants to do Cécile,” says Bernie. We’re sure not every actress, but if Bernie Telsey says it, we’ll believe it!
• Jennifer Hudson Veronica Moore sings the fuck out of “Home.” And looks flawless doing it. “The Wiz has never sounded better,” says Derek, in the understatement of a lifetime.
• “This should feel now, not dated,” says Derek about The Wiz. ‘Cause only Derek Wills would think that what we all really want to see is a modern-day Wiz.
• Derek Wills tells Veronica, “Producers rarely have vision, that’s why they need [directors] to show it to them.” That arrogant fuck! We missed you so!
• Julia looks up the dramaturg on IBDB. Plus 50, but next time try Playbill Vault. 
• "A man who makes his living feeding off of the work of other writers without creating anything of his own is not a shepherd,” says Julia, of a dramaturg. “He’s a parasite.” Actually, he’s a few tweeters that we won’t call out by name.
• Daniel Sunjata plays Peter Gilman, the professional dramaturg of our dreams. Plus 100 for HUBBA HUBBA.
• There were Houston/Levitt nights at Joe’s Pub. Two of them. Plus 20.
• Peter tells Tom and Julia that one of their shows didn’t get “a fair shake in The Times.” Even dramaturgs know what writers want to hear.
• After Peter leaves, Tom tells Julia “he seems pretty creditable.” We’re pretty sure that’s code for cute.
• Julia hates coffee. She would.
• Peter tells Julia that “Bombshell is not a Broadway musical. It’s a biopic. There’s no character development outside of the songs, which are admittedly the best part.” He then later refers to it as “two-dimensional.” From what we’ve seen so far, this is totally accurate (though that didn’t stop Chaplin or Scandalous from coming to Broadway).
• Julia thinks her book was good because “the audience cried when Marilyn died” and “we had standing ovations every night!” She would use that as a barometer for success, but have you been to Broadway lately? It’s filled with sub-par shows where people cry at trite emotional moments and give standing ovations at curtain call, no matter how bad the crap they just sat through was. Believe us – we both saw Baby It’s You.
• Can every episode of SMASH include Ivy Lynn singing “They Just Keep Moving the Line?” Bonus points if it happens by cutting away from Karen singing!
• Ivy Lynn claims that she’s only seen the Dangerous Liaisons movie. She would say this even if she's obviously only seen Cruel Intentions.
• Tom “wanted to be reminded of his initial instincts before jumping back into [Bombshell],” so he watches videos of Ivy Lynn as Marilyn. That’s what we do before each episode of SMASH!
• Ivy Lynn says that “real names like Jennifer Damiano and Jessie Mueller” are auditioning for Cécile. The theater geeks in us are excited to hear those folks referred to as “real names,” but the TV-viewer/reality-liver in us knows that they aren’t.
• Eileen Rand claims she’s “juggling chainsaws here,” which is the best visual we’ve had all season.
• Julia says she’s pretty sure Peter doesn’t even want to call the show Bombshell. Great, because that’s a terrible title.
• Peter apparently lied to Julia about seeing Bombshell in Boston. He saw it 4 times! We’d probably lie about that too.
• “No one has invested more in this show than I have,” Eileen tells a whiny Julia. “And if you don’t want to do the work, I will find somebody who will.” Plus 100 because YOU DON’T FUCK WITH THE MONEY.  
• Peter and Julia get into a heated discussion re: the book. Peter claims that Julia took the sex out of “the greatest sex symbol in history” by focusing on her domestic relationship with Joe DiMaggio. “Maybe you focused on Joe because you were sleeping the actor who played him,” Peter reminds Julia. “Where was the steam on the window?” he asks. “The slow strip tease? The heat?” PLUS 500 BECAUSE THIS SCENE IS EVERYTHING AND GURL KNOWS HOW TO REEEEAAAD A BITCH.
• In the midst of the aforementioned argument, Julia claims, “Women buy the majority of tickets on Broadway.” Goddammit she’s right – but gay men are a close second!  
• “Ivy has a great eye,” Derek tells Karen while inviting Ivy to observe rehearsal. “She can tell us where we’ve going wrong.” Um… we’re pretty sure casting Karen in the first place is what Ivy/everyone would say.
• Plus 10,000 for Ivy Lynn singing Robyn’s “Dancing On My Own.” Yes, it was a dream sequence, but at least we didn’t have to hear Karen sing “I Just Keep Moving the Line.” And it’s IVY LYNN! SINGING ROBYN! OMFG!
• Jimmy has blood on his lip because he’s tough and also because Jeremy Jordan misses playing Clyde.
• “I don’t blame you for yawning,” Ivy tells Tom, when rehearsing for her Cécile audition. “I’m so boring. And my accent is horrible.” That didn’t stop Lilla Crawford from getting Annie!
• It’s time for a new feature we like to call, “THE ANN HARADA LINE OF THE WEEK!” “Tom? 5 minutes…” CONGRATULATIONS ANN!
• Karen Cartwright recorded the Kyle Bishop and Jimmy Collins demo for free. Because obviously she wouldn’t know to charge for that sort of work.
• OH HEYYY MATT BOGART PLAYING MATT BOGART PLAYING JFK!
• Julia writes a new number about the first time JFK and Marilyn have sex, and then claims it was her idea even though Peter clearly pushed her into doing that. Plus 20 because Julia probably thinks it was her idea to stop wearing scarves too.
• Ivy tells Tom he’d be a great director. “You understand style and intention and you know how to get the best out of people without torturing them,” she says. First of all, Plus 10 on that shade you just threw to Derek. Second of all, Plus 20 because dammit we agree (and we’re pretty sure that’s the plan for his character). 
• Jimmy refers to his musical as “a bunch of crap I just scribbled down when I was wasted.“ MAN HE’S BAD ASS.
• OH HEEEY TKTS BOOTH.
• Can the entire series be Peter and Julia arguing? These fights actually have something SMASH has been struggling to find the entire time: substance.
• The plot of Hit List, Jimmy and Kyle’s musical, is basically foreshadowing what Jimmy’s relationship with Karen Cartwright is going to be, right? Are we the only ones who think this sounds kind of bad?
• “There’s all these other characters too,” supporting player Kyle says after leading actor Jimmy describes the plot of Hit List. #Awwwwww

Oh Hell No!

• This week’s episode opens with another dream sequence. Minus 10 because those were supposed to be gone with season 1.
• Derek won’t consider looking into the new musical without reading the book first. Um, that didn’t stop him with Bombshell.
• Derek also claims he doesn’t want to get involved in this new musical because “new musicals take years to develop.” Um, we’re pretty sure Bombshell took 15 episodes to develop last season.
• As much as we’ll praise Eileen for thinking about bringing in a dramaturg to help with the book, she really should have involved a dramaturg from the beginning, as he/she could have helped with costumes, sets – hell, maybe even that terrible artwork.
• Minus 100 for not giving us a full-fledged Jennifer Hudson Veronica Moore performance of “Home.” There better be an mp3, dammit.
• In order to get his directing job back, Derek agrees to stage a number for The Wiz for producers, acting once again like so above auditioning despite us knowing he did the same thing with Bombshell in the SMASH pilot.  
• Julia fears that if people hear Bombshell has a dramaturg, they will think the show is in trouble. That’s probably true, but we’re pretty sure everyone already thinks the show is in trouble based on the fact that they still don’t have a theater or sound financing.
• We were remiss last episode to not mention the RIDICULOUS new opening credit sequence. WTF IS THAT!?! The only good thing is that we at least get Anjelica Huston throwing a drink each week, but even that is wearing thin.
• They may be out there, but we doubt there’s any dramaturg out there who has made enough money from script doctoring to afford an apartment like that.
• Peter thinks the audience reacted so positively to Bombshell because “it was Boston.” Funny, but again – even New Yorkers have bad taste when it comes to Broadway.  
• JIMMY COLLINS SMOKES?!? We get that he’s supposed to be a bad boy, but MINUS EVERYTHING. #GROSS
• Minus 200 for making us Google this Liasons cast recording that Ivy claims is out of print, only to find out the show Tom claims is a “lost gem” that “Madeline Kahn got nominated for featured” for is a totally made up show. DAMMIT WE WANTED THIS TO BE REAL.
• During rehearsal, Karen snaps at Derek, telling him “I understand the song, thanks,” as if she were a snotty teenager. Later, she yells, “I don’t understand what you want. I’m not sure you do either!” Look, we get that Karen Cartwright is supposed to have an ego now, and supposed to feel like she’s hot shit, but no one – especially an actor who struggled for so many years for her big break – would be acting this obnoxious this early on.
• Also, are you going to take that shit from Karen Cartwright, Derek Wills?
• While we’re squashing plot points, enough with the Ivy pining after Derek/Marilyn! It’s getting as tired as we are writing these recaps at 2 in the morning!
• Ivy says Cécile is Marilyn, and then Tom points out that Cécile/Marilyn is really Ivy, deep down. WE GET IT SMASH. WE GOT IT LAST SEASON WITH IVY’S PILL ADDICTION TOO! YOU DON’T NEED TO KEEP SPELLING IT OUT!
• “Our Little Secret” was a great song that clearly addressed a problem that Bombshell was lacking. But can we all agree that Karen Cartwright has the sex appeal of a toothbrush?
• Jimmy comes into the Bombshell rehearsal. Surly Linda the stage manager would have stopped him!
• Eileen claims that “Our Little Secret” has “glamour, power, sex,” therefore encompassing “the new Broadway.” Right Eileen. Just like Once. And The Book of Mormon. And Memphis. And Billy Elliot…
• Ivy Lynn was cast as Cécile. OVER JESSIE MUELLER?
• Also, she’d never know she got that job so fast.
• How did Karen and Jimmy get from the rehearsal studio in Times Square to the Flatiron building so fast?
• Jimmy is acting like a little shit, expecting everyone to drop everything and produce his musical. We’re pretty sure the dude who bartends and lives in Greenpoint and plays his songs on the bar’s piano when no one is around would have a little patience.
• Jennifer Hudson Veronica Moore drops out of The Wiz to do a one-night-only show.  “If I’m going to grow, I got to take this chance.” Wouldn’t a limited engagement be a better chance? This seems like a stupid idea.
• Also, Jennifer Hudson Veronica Moore’s decision to drop out of The Wiz was inspired by what she saw during “Our Little Secret.” Really? It wasn’t that inspiring. Imagine what she would have done if she saw Ivy Lynn perform “Let’s Be Bad”!
• Derek and Karen are outside the rehearsal studio again – which is apparently in the Flatiron building now. THIS MAKES NO SENSE, YOU GUYS. THOSE ARE PUBLISHING OFFICES!
• Sorry, but Derek Wills would never go to Greenpoint.
• Derek says Hit List is “A Star is Born plus Hamlet with a bit of Romeo and Juliet.” Kyle adds, “Moulin Rouge, Gaga, and JT LeRoy.” WHY IS NO ONE SAYING AMERICAN IDIOT?
• Minus 200 because Jeremy Jordan didn’t sing a lick during this episode.

So how’d we do this time around? Any glaring omissions? Comment away!

Much Ado About Cake

Photo credit: Gerry Goodstein

Theatre For a New Audience might be overtaking--or at least tied with--The Public Theatre as the most reliable theater company for putting on Shakespeare. You can see its delightful revival of Much Ado About Nothing through April 6 at the Duke on 42nd Street (the company will soon be moving to a permanent space in Brooklyn).

Whether a production of Much Ado works depends mostly on the casting of Benedick and Beatrice, the characters engaged in a war of wits and tricked into falling in love by Don Pedro, Prince of Aragon, and Claudio, an officer like Benedick. This production succeeds on that front with the casting of Jonathan Cake and Maggie Siff. The sparks fly between them and they make the Bard's words fresh. But it is the charismatic and seductive Cake who steals the show. It is easy to see why Beatrice falls for him (though you wonder what took so long). They rest of the cast is fine with another standout in John Christopher Jones's Dogberry. He excels at playing bumbling fools. Arbus once again proves to have a great understanding of Shakespeare's plays, making them accessible, but also not shying away from the darker undercurrents. In one of the subplots, Claudio (Matthew Amendt) is tricked by Don Pedro's (Graham Winton) brother Don John (Saxon Palmer) into thinking that his intended Hero (Michelle Beck) has slept with another man.

Ricardo Hernandez sets an appropriate lighthearted tone with a simple set of not much more than a clothesline of laundry and a swing. Also adding to the atmosphere is Michael Friedman's charming score, performed by Spiff Wiegand.

At Least The Set Is Cool

Part of The New Group's mission statement is to do ambitious work that pushes the boundaries of theater. I applaud this goal, but sometimes taking risks pays off, and sometimes you end up with a pretentious bore, as is the case with the company's latest, Clive.

"One Song Glory" (actually Vincent D'Onofrio and Ethan Hawke); Photo credit: Monique Carboni

Clive is Jonathan Marc Sherman's adaptation of Bertolt Brecht's first play, Baal, but it has been updated to the 1990s. It stars Ethan Hawke, who also directs, as the self-destructive musician Clive surrounded by a rotating cast of characters. Hawke has assembled a strong ensemble--in particular Zoe Kazan is adorably amusing as his innocent lovers and Vincent D'Onofrio is a striking presence as his friend Doc. But aside from fleeting moments of entertainment, it is hard to care about what happens, not that much does. I am all for new interpretations of old works, but there should be a reason for the choices. The 90s are a suitable time period to depict debauchery and drugs, but the show does not say anything new or interesting about Baal or the time period, though you get the feeling that the creative team thinks they are.

At least there is Derek McLane's set of colorful doors and beer cans to look at. The doors are also adorned with instruments which create a musical landscape by GAINES, the duo which also provided a strong soundtrack for Hawke's effective production of A Lie of the Mind. He didn't star in that production, so I would say that perhaps he should stick to directing, but his acting wasn't the problem here either. At least he appears to be enjoying himself, even if most of the audience doesn't.

Behind The Music-al at 92Y Tribeca

As is often the case on Mondays, there were a ton of events last night for theater people to choose from, like the In The Heights reunion concert and the NAMT songwriter concert at 54 Below, so you might have missed Behind The Music-al: Just Add Music at 92YTribeca. So I'm here to tell you what you missed.

Behind The Music-al is an ongoing series about up-and-coming musical theater composers. Past guests have included Adam Guettel, Joe Iconis, and Ryan Scott Oliver. This week's guests were Duncan Sheik (Spring Awakening) and Laurence O'Keefe (Bat Boy: The Musical, Legally Blonde: The Musical). The series is curated by Kyle Ewalt and Michael Walker (Bromance: The Dudesical).

O'Keefe was the moderator and the format was fairly casual, with performances interspersed with conversation about the writing behind the songs. First up were performances from musicals that Ewalt and Walker are working on--Pumped, about the world of designer shoes, and Separate: Battle Songs of Youth. Separate actually began as an adaptation of A Seperate Peace, which they didn't have the rights to. They ended up not being able to get the rights, but they liked the music they had written, and decided to write a new book to fit those songs. The theme of the evening was just add music (as in adding music to preexisting material, like a movie), so this led to an interesting discussion about letting the music dictate the story or vice versa as well as making sure you have the rights to something before you adapt it.

Next up, O'Keefe presented a song from Walk of Shame, which actually started as an idea for a raunchy movie musical, but since there apparently isn't a lot of demand for that (crazy, right?), it might end up being a stage musical. Of all the shows we heard from that night, this is the one I most want to see, though I honestly hope to get to see all of them. The next musical he talked about, Life of the Party, about the music industry in Stalin's Soviet Russia, also sounded fascinating.  The last song was from Heathers, a musical adaptation of the movie.

O'Keefe frequently collaborates with his wife, Nell Benjamin, who is apparently working on a musical adaptation of Because of Winn Dixie with Duncan Sheik (if this was already announced, I'd forgotten about it). Sheik didn't sing anything from that, but did sing songs from Whisper House, Nero, and The Nightingale (backed by a string quartet!).  He closed with a song not from theater, which seemed out of place for the evening, but it was still a good song, so I can't complain too much. Except I would have preferred he close with something from American Psycho.

The next Behind The Music-al will be in April and the lineup hasn't been announced yet, but I encourage anyone interested in the behind the scenes of musical theater to check it out.

Song List:
1) "Back to the Drawing Board" from Pumped (Ewalt and Walker)
2) "Woe Is Us" from Pumped (Ewalt and Walker)
3)"Fat Old Man" from Battle Songs (Ewalt and Walker)
4) "Not Worried (Split Screen Love Duet)" from Walk of Shame (O'Keefe)
5) "Honey I'm Home" from Life of the Party (O'Keefe) (turns out this was a trunk song from Legally Blonde that fit really well!)
6) Song from Heathers (Didn't catch the name, but it was sung by the character of Martha Dumptruck before attempting to kill herself) (O'Keefe)
7) "The Tale of Solomon Snell" from Whisper House (Sheik)
8) "The Lover from Hell" from Nero (Sheik)
9) "My Extraordinary Past" from The Nightingale (Sheik)
10) "Such Reveries" (Sheik)

Contest: Win Tickets to NEWSical

Update: The contest is now closed. The winner was picked at random. Congratulations Jax!

Happy Monday! This week, I'm giving away a pair of tickets to NEWSical the Musical at Theatre Row. NEWSical, created by Rick Crom, is a musical mocking the news. It is constantly updated with new material spoofing current events, celebrities, and politicians. Emmy Award winner Carson Kressley is now in the show through March 3.

Since it's almost Valentine's Day, this week's contest has a Valentine's Day theme. To be entered to win a pair of tickets to Newsical, leave a comment on this post telling me which character from a play or musical you'd want to be your Valentine. For an extra entry, tweet about the contest or retweet one of my tweets about it. You must be following on Twitter for the extra entry. A winner will be chosen at random from all the entries on Friday, February 15 at 5:30 p.m. Please include your e-mail address or Twitter handle in the comments so I have a way to contact you if you win. The winner will receive a ticket voucher redeemable for two tickets to a performance of his or her choice through March 30, 2013 (blackout dates and restrictions may apply). Good luck! 

If you don't win tickets, you can still see the show using this discount offer:

$51.25 tickets (All performances except Saturday)
$55.25 tickets (Saturday performances)

HOW TO ORDER:
ONLINE: Visit BroadwayOffers.com and use code TRNRRM
PHONE: Call 212.947.8844 and mention code TRNRRM
IN PERSON: Bring this offer to Theatre Row Box Office
(Box Office Hours: Monday – Sunday, Noon to 8pm)

RESTRICTIONS: (Reg $86.25) Subject to availability. Not valid on prior purchase. Offer cannot be combined with other discounts or promotions; blackout dates and restrictions may apply. No refunds or exchanges. Offer may be revoked at any time. All discounts include $1.25 fee. Standard service fees apply to all phone and internet orders.

The SMASH Reality Index Season 2 Episode 2

"It's time to retire the scarves."

Back by popular demand, Dave (@NineDaves) and I have teamed up to bring you our take on what’s keepin’ it real and what’s faking it each week on SMASH. Follow the 'caps here or on Dave's site.

----------

They called the second episode of SMASH’s 2-hour premiere “The Fallout.” We’re guessing that’s more of a commentary towards the reception SMASH received in its first season than it is an explanation of the action we saw throughout the episode.

Sure, there was some fallout going on for Bombshell’s cast and creatives. Eileen Rand (Angelica Huston) is doing her best to keep the show alive despite having no money. Julia (Debra Messing) can’t get out of bed because her marriage is over. Derek Wills (Jack Davenport) is being chased by the paparazzi due to his impending sex scandal. And our two heroines, Ivy Lynn (Megan Hilty) and Karen Cartwright (Katharine McPhee) finally have something in common: they can’t get any work.

But SMASH doesn’t want you to focus on the boring ploys of the season 1 characters anymore. No, it’s all about Jeremy Jordan’s bad boy composer, Jimmy. At least that’s what it feels like whenever Jeremy Jordan appears on screen. Suddenly the birds chirp brighter. Suddenly the air seems warmer. If SMASH wants us to know anything about a fallout, it’s that at the end of it is a beautiful redemption story with a crooked smile who mumbles all the time named Jeremy Jordan. Get onboard.

Hey, at least that’s one “Totally True” thing we can support this time around. Here’s a few other things – and some of those ridiculous “Oh Hell No” moments – from episode 2.  

Totally True

• Karen Cartwright finally introduces herself to Jeremy Jordan’s character, Jimmy. Because she probably just assumed he knew who she was.

• Karen Cartwright has stupid braids in her hair.

• JEREMY JORDAN’S SMILE. PLUS 1,000,000.

• “Girls usually call to yell at me,” Jimmy says. Obviously because you’re the hot bad boy we always wanted.

• “There’s nothing to hear. I don’t write anything,” says Jimmy. THAT’S RIGHT CAUSE JOE ICONIS DOES!

• Jimmy hits on Karen Cartwright. We all have our weak moments, we guess.

• When Karen leaves, Jimmy is like, “see ya!” as if she didn’t matter at all. BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T!

• When asked if that was Karen Cartwright, Jimmy responds “No idea,” despite the fact that she just introduced herself to him. JIMMY IS TOO FLY TO REMEMBER GIRLS NAMES.

• Kyle calls Jimmy “complicated” and we die because we know he’s really talking about Jeremy Jordan. 

• Plus 4 for the Mamma Mia! marquee because they finally showed a show currently playing in the theater it’s currently playing at!

• Derek calls Bombshell a circus which is a really nice way of describing SMASH’s first season.

• “Let’s talk about you juggling every Marilyn in the show,” Tom says to Derek. Gurl knows how to throw some shaaaade.

• Derek Wills is reading American Theatre Magazine.

• You are Ivy Lynn. You don’t stay down for long.

• Annaleigh Ashford returns as Lisa McMann. Remember when we saw her audition for Marilyn in the pilot? Well now she’s out of “the biz” and selling stationary and her life is “sooo much better” (that was not a Legally Blonde reference, we swear). Plus 50 for SMASH calling back on its history and plus another 50 because actors who get out of “the biz” always act like assholes. 

• Amy’s Bread! Plus 20!

• Derek loses The Wiz because we’re guessing he needs to be freed up for Hit List.

• Plus 20 because that “Will New Marilyn Musical Sleep With the Fishes?” headline and cartoon in the fake newspaper was pretty great.

• Eileen tells Tom to tell Julia it’s cocktail attire. THAT MEANS NO SCARVES, JULIA.

• Julia doesn’t want to go to the American Theatre Wing Gala. “Not tonight,” she tells Tom. “Maybe tomorrow.” Plus 15 because Julia would think that they could just reschedule the entire Gala for her.

• Plus 100 for Julia meeting Leo off-screen so we don’t have to see him.

• Jimmy is such a bad ass, he doesn’t even write down his songs.

• Karen Cartwright went on a Clearasil audition.  Plus 10 because Katharine McPhee did that ridiculous Skin ID endorsement.

• WE’LL COME TO YOUR HOUSE ANDY MIENTUS!

• Evita marquee at the Marquis! We’ll allow it since it only closed a few weeks ago.

• Plus 10 for Karen Cartwright not breaking out in “Cheers (Drink To That)” while standing in Times Square.

• Derek Wills directed a production of Sweet Charity. Plus 100 because no matter how much of a bad boy personality he’s supposed to be, he still directs cheesy musicals (see: The Wiz, Bombshell).

• Derek tells Daisy that she’s a pretty good dancer and only an okay actress. Apparently that’s not good enough for his Sweet Charity revival but we’re pretty sure that could get her a lead in Chicago. 

• Daisy teaches Pilates. Plus 10.

• Julia gives Ivy a pep talk, and then gives her Marshmallow Fluff to make her feel better. Hey, at least it’s not pills!

• OMFG HARVEY FIERSTEIN! PLUS A MILLION POINTS!

• “If they said half the stuff about a show of mine that they said about yours, I would be on suicide watch,” Harvey Fierstein tells Tom. Um… are we pretending that Fiddler revival didn’t happen, Harvey?

• Harvey Fierstein pinches Tom’s stomach because we would too if we got that close to Christian Borle.

• “Dude, I don’t know, my shift’s over,” Jimmy tells Derek when Derek tries to talk to him. They’re really driving home this bad boy thing, huh?

• Mary Testa, Jackie Hoffman, and Cheyenne Jackson were all talking to one another about Bombshell. We’re so glad to hear the cast of Xanadu are still in touch! Though… was Kerry Butler not around? SOMEONE CALL KERRY BUTLER!

• Karen Cartwright is uptight and doesn’t realize when guys are hitting on her because she’s from Iowa and she’s lame.

• Spotted: a poster for Uncle Vanya. We’re not sure if it’s real, but there were 20 productions of it last year, so chances are high.

• Plus 100 for that old woman who told Tom and Julia that “the new gal’s not that good” in Heaven on Earth.  Because we know what it’s like to love a show and then see a subpar replacement (see our shout out to Annaleigh Ashford in Hair below).

• Ana says Jimmy is “worth getting on the G train for.” PLUS EVERYTHING.

• YOU GUYS WE CAN’T EVEN HANDLE HOW JEREMY JORDAN FLIRTS.

• Karen Cartwright can’t flirt because she’s from Iowa and she’s lame.

• The ATW President tells Eileen she’s sorry for her financial troubles… with a smile on her face. Plus 5.

• Karen Cartwright talks to Jimmy about The Strokes because she thinks that’s what hipsters from Brooklyn like to talk about. Because she’s from Iowa and lame.

• Also, Plus 10 for Jimmy’s “I liked The Strokes… when I was 15” response.

• Karen Cartwright finishes her song and no one at the party claps because hipsters from Greenpoint doing like things. Plus 100.

• Even though we hate Karen Cartwright, we gotta give it up for “Caught in the Storm” because Pasek and Paul wrote it and it’s goddamn beautiful.

• Plus 100 because Jeremy Jordan’s Jack Kelly accent is totally coming out in this Jimmy character and we missed it so.

• PLUS 200 BECAUSE ANGRY JEREMY JORDAN IS SO MUCH HOTTER THAN WE THOUGHT HE’D BE.

• Jimmy thinks that Kyle, his bookwriter, just sits there and watches him write the songs. Plus 5 because that’s what it seems like Kyle does. And, quite frankly, what Julia does.

• While Karen is nowhere to be found, Ivy is ready at the drop of a hat to sing at the Gala. “I’m just happy people want to hear me sing,” she says. Yes Ivy. We do. We really really do.

• Julia announces Bombshell is coming to Broadway “this season.” As we know, people make announcements like this all the time before having the funding. Rebecca

cough cough>

• In case anyone was wondering if Ivy Lynn should play Marilyn, she gets up there and completely knocks it out of the park. Neigh – the universe. BRAVO GURL. WE FUCKING LOVE YOU.

• Jimmy tells Kyle that Karen bugs him. “She’s so full of herself.” WE AGREE JIMMY.

• Tom tells Julia, “It’s time to retire the scarves.” Plus 100.

• Karen is back to being a bitch towards Ivy. Because god forbid SMASH lets its characters evolve. 

Oh Hell No!

• Jimmy tells Karen, “If you stopped clenching your jaw like that you could actually be cute.” It’s going to take a lot more than that, buddy.
• Karen doesn’t want to hang out with Jimmy. Gurl, what are you thinking?
• Why does everyone insist Karen Cartwright is a big deal? Bombshell isn’t even on Broadway yet!
• Every Broadway big wig is invited to the American Theatre Wing Gala, but most of them don’t go.

• Karen is singing at the American Theatre Wing Gala? What, was Veronica Moore busy? Minus 10.

• Ivy says she can’t even get a callback for an eHarmony commercial. We doubt that. Match.com, maybe. But eHarmony?

• OH HEY, IT’S ANNALEIGH ASHFORD! BEING JUST AS ANNOYING AS SHE WAS IN THE HAIR REPLACEMENT CAST AND DOGFIGHT AND EVERYTHING ELSE WE’VE SEEN HER IN BESIDES LEGALLY BLONDE.

• Lisa says she and Ivy and Sam were in a Shakespeare Festival in the Adirondacks. Ivy Lynn doing Shakespeare? Yeah. No.

• We know Jerry’s supposed to be petty and slimy and childish, but this gloating is going a little too far. 

• Eileen calls Derek and Tom at the same time despite them being on two different phones. We’re pretty sure there’s no way to do that.

• In the wake of his sex scandal, paparazzi are outside Derek’s home. Reporters, maybe. But this seems a little ridiculous. 

• THOSE DAMN RED CHAIRS AGAIN! MINUS EVERYTHING!

• Karen Cartwright rolls her eyes when invited to Kyle and Jimmy’s house. BECAUSE SHE’S THE WORST.

• Julia groans when she hears Ivy is at the door. Oh please Julia – it’s not like it’s Karen!

• Minus 5 because Ivy still has that damn brown leather jacket that doesn’t fit her boobs.

• Minus 200 for not having Harvey Fierstein talk to Jimmy. We wanted a Newsies reunion!

• We’re going to ignore the fact that Tom just made up that he and Julia are giving a speech at the American Theatre Wing Gala they weren’t even invited to until this morning because even he’s not that stupid, right?

• Derek gets punched and wakes up in a musical number. We thought they weren’t going to do these ridiculous dream sequences in season 2? MINUS EVERYTHING AGAIN.

• Bobby refers to Jimmy as “Jonathan Larson-good.” It’s 2013 and that’s your reference for a good musical theater writer?

• Minus 10 for this whole Tom/Julia fight because we all know they’re going to get back together.

• Karen Cartwright’s first apartment was in Fort Greene. Minus 20 because clearly it would have been Carroll Gardens.

• Derek tells Ivy Lynn, “You were my Marilyn.” Um… wasn’t Karen his Marilyn? HE CAST HER.

• None of these people at Jimmy’s party would stop and listen to Karen Cartwright singing. No matter how good the song. 

• Again, we thought SMASH wasn’t going to have their characters stand up and randomly break out into song in inappropriate locations. We feel betrayed, Josh Safran. You might as well go back to the bowling alley. Or Karen’s hometown karaoke bar.   

• Minus 10 because that’s clearly not Greenpoint.

• Whenever Jerry and Eileen are together, we stop paying attention.

• Julia is wearing a scarf again. Ugh.

• Karen tells Ivy she couldn’t make the Gala because she was on the subway. Or at a party in Greenpoint. Whatever’s less embarrassing Karen.

• Minus 5 for sad puppy-face Megan Hilty.

So what’d you think of episode 2? Hot for Jordan like we are?